Pretzles and beer offered unto idols?

Sammy Sosa of the Texas Rangers hit his 600th home run a couple of weeks ago. But there was that nagging question about the steroids scandal, and whether his statistics reflect a "level playing field" or one tipped in his favor through the use of drugs.

But is baseball ignoring even more powerful influences on the game?

For instance, what is Major League Baseball's position on the use of supernatural entities to gain advantage on the playing field?

Superstition has always been part of baseball. But something new seems to be going on. A recent article in the Chicago Tribune about Chicago White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen discusses his involvement in Santeria, a Caribbean-based religion similar to voodoo. It's described as "a largely misunderstood Afro-Cuban spiritual tradition that incorporates the worship of orisha, 'multidimensional beings who represent the forces of nature,' with beliefs of the Yoruba and Bantu people of Africa and elements of Roman Catholicism."

Among those who have acknowledged their devotion are Angels pitcher Francisco Rodriguez and Florida Marlins third baseman Miguel Cabrera --both Venezuelan--and the White Sox's Cuban-born pitcher Jose Contreras, all of whom have been All-Stars and won World Series rings. Others, such as Cincinnati Reds shortstop Alex Gonzalez and Chicago Cubs infielder Ronny Cedeno, have experimented with it.

"It's something beautiful," said Contreras, who became a babalao, or Santeria high priest, before defecting from Cuba in 2002. "And it helps me a lot. It gives me peace and tranquillity, but more than that."

And don't forget about all the Christian players who give credit to the God of the Judeo-Christian tradition when they win. In fact, some ball clubs are sponsoring "Faith Nights." Fans who pay an extra $10 will be able to stay after the game and visit booths from Christian colleges and shops, meet Veggie Tales characters and hear a concert by Christian bands.

This all seems tremendously unfair. What about the outfielder who, as a nominal believer, attends church only on Christmas and Easter; or the secularist third baseman; or even the atheist shortstop?

After all, hitting a 90-mile-per-hour fastball is hard enough without having to dodge lightning bolts or sorcery from multi-dimensional beings.

As Yogi Berra once said: "Baseball is ninety percent mental, and the other half is physical.” Today he might have thrown in some percentage points for "supernatural."

Ah, well. You're right, Yogi. “The future ain't what it used to be.”



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Sammy Sosa, Christian humor, satire, humor

R.I.P Farfour

Farfour, the cuddly terror mouse who stars in a children's program Tomorrow's Pioneers on Hamas-affiliated Al Aqsa TV in the Gaza Strip, has ended up as a "martyr mouse." Really.

The final program shows Farfour being beaten to death by an Israeli, according to a CNN report.

"Farfour was martyred while defending his land," said Sara, the teen presenter. He was killed "by the killers of children," she added.

Americans worry about their Saturday morning cartoon shows manipulating kids to buy cereal and toys. The Hamas TV station tries to get them to strap on suicide belts.

Hmm.

Anyway, it's always difficult to decide how to end a popular series.

In this case, there is no chance for a sequel or a spinoff. Farfour is dead. Caput. It's as if the Veggie Tales series ended with Larry and Co. being trapped in a juicer.

I suppose that's art imitating life in the Middle East.

The show has been cancelled to make way for new programming, although the station manager couldn't say what the new program will be.

Let me guess: SpongeBadr SquareSmagh and his friends survive a waterboarding session at Gitmo?

Stop it, already. The reality is bad enough.


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Intelligent Design, Live Earth and the shaping of Simian behavior

By Guest Columnist Dr. Zaius,
Minister of Science, Chief Defender of the Faith

Well. Those "damn, dirty apes" have caused quite a ruckus in your human theological and scientific institutions, it seems.

I could have predicted it. Humans are always asking themselves who they are and where they come from, instead of making a difference in the here and now. From my vantage point, living in A.D. 3978 and portrayed in a 1968 film, there are more important questions.

That difficult human, Taylor, played by that difficult actor Charleton Heston, expressed it well: "Does man, that marvel of the universe, that glorious paradox who sent me to the stars, still make war against his brother? Keep his neighbor's children starving?"

I didn't understand him when he remarked, "I can't help thinking that somewhere in the universe there has to be something better than man. Has to be."

The obvious answer is "Yes, there is. Me." After all, aren't I better than him?

Anyway, the first problem I see is your human obsession with sex. As Taylor put it, "Oh, there were women. Lots of women. Lots of love-making but no love. You see, that was the kind of world we'd made."

What would he know about love anyway? His first words to another species were, "Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!" Not very loving. Later he tried to kiss Dr. Zira goodbye, which looks like a clear case of sexual harassment to me.

Intelligent design might not explain everything, but if it succeeds in bringing humans down a peg from their prideful ways, then it may be worth the intellectual muddle that results. As Taylor said to me, "A planet where apes evolved from men? There's got to be an answer." "Don't look for it, Taylor," I responded. "You may not like what you find."

But really, there is no contradiction between faith and science... true science.

Consider just one piece of evidence. Would an ape make a human doll, that TALKS? Clearly, no. Would God make a planet that breeds people like you? I doubt it.

Origins will never be discovered from experiments. I think I've made myself plain on this question repeatedly.

Experimental brain surgery on these creatures is one thing, and I'm all in favor of it. But behavior studies are another matter. To suggest that we can learn anything about the simian nature from a study of man is sheer nonsense. Why, man is a nuisance. He eats up his food supply in the forest, then migrates to our green belts and ravages our crops. The sooner he is exterminated, the better. It's a question of simian survival.

Yes, I have always known about man. From the evidence, I believe his wisdom must walk hand and hand with his idiocy. His emotions must rule his brain. He must be a warlike creature who gives battle to everything around him, even himself.

You know the Forbidden Zone? It was once a paradise. Your breed made a desert of it, ages ago.

Have you forgotten your scripture, the thirteenth scroll? "And Proteus brought the upright beast into the garden and chained him to a tree and the children did make sport of him."

I think the sacred scrolls are clear on this. It may be more true now than ever. Man is a menace. A walking pestilence.

Our great Lawgiver tells us that "never will the human have the Apes’ divine faculty for being able to distinguish between Evil and Good. The only good human is a dead human!”

"Beware the beast man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death."

And this planet of yours? It's a mad house. A mad house.



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Christian humor, satire, humor

Uglyband: In memory of Earthsuit

Earthsuit
No longer active
Last release: The Rise of Modern Simulation, 2003

We're examining the defunct, melodic and ethereal alternative Christian band Earthsuit this week because of the bankrupt state of style among today's Christian music groups.
You haven't seen this column for several weeks because there's been nothing to write about. Christian bands are blindly following the crowd (though always a step behind) and hopelessly copycatting anything they see being worn on American Idol.

The photos above show the radical sense of fashion that used to drive Christian music at the turn of the century. The imagination and coolness that directed these clothing choices, where's that gone?

I sense a heavy Devo/Blue Man Group influence here, but this could all have been serendipitous, bestowed on them accidentally, by grace. Perhaps their very innocence led to this breakthrough in stage presence.

Earthsuit took a dirt nap in 2003, and the flowering of fashion ended as abruptly as it began. Some band members reformed as Mute Math. The photo of that band (at right) shows a return to drab and pedestrian concert garb, circa 1954.

Apparently, these days real attention to style can only percolate up, from the fans. So this is a call to action.

I blame it all on downsizing from the album LP cover with liner notes, to the CD insert and now to the tiny screen on your mp3 player. What you can't see can neither inspire nor offend.

Earthsuit is dead. Welcome to an eternal Casual Friday. Christian music has no clothes!


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Beastie: Tales of Romney and the Evil One

I tuned in to watch the Republican presidential candidates debate last night, because I'd seen a disturbing report about Mitt Romney.

Bill Keller, a St. Petersburg, Fla., evangelist declared on his website, "If you vote for Mitt Romney you are voting for Satan." If Romney, a Mormon, becomes president, he said, it would "lead millions of souls to the eternal flames of hell."

Keller bills himself as the "Dr. Phil of Prayer" and "the next big thing in mass media religion." Howard Stern calls the guy up to have him on his radio show. Keller's ministry brings in more than $2 million annually. Now his TV show is on the i Network (formerly PAX).

So I tuned in, just in case Keller knew something no one else did. But I didn't see anything evil about Mitt Romney--at least not any more evil than the rest of the politicos.

That's when I decided to find out some more about Keller himself. Could this man be the Antichrist? These random thoughts often enter my head, but stranger things have turned up in my decades of supernatural sleuthing. Cabbages and kings, vorpal blades and hand grenades, I always say. Ya never know.

Anyway, turns out Keller has a shady background, which he disguises as part of his "testimony" on his website. In 1989 he became involved in insider trading of the stock market, was convicted, lost everything, and spent the next 2 1/2 years in federal prison. That brought him back to God, he says. He sometimes claims he doesn't solicit donations. But last year he started telling viewers donations are needed to pay off his ministries' $500,000 debt.

One unsettling aspect of Keller's media ministry, however, caught my eye. He refuses to put his programs on religious radio or TV stations. "I'll go sell shoes before I do that," Keller said.

This of course is un-American, and vaguely communistic.

He also once called Oprah Winfrey a "New Age witch." That, of course, is also un-American.

Finally, when I heard that Americans United for Separation of Church and State had asked the IRS to yank Keller's tax-exempt status for his remarks about Romney, I knew we had a live one.

So I entered all his data, hooked together all the bungie cords to the correct levers and kick-started the Beastie machine. Nothing. Clean as a whistle. Undetered, I did more research. I found one news article that included Keller's middle initial-- H. Hmm. Adding that in didn't help.

But is that "H" as innocent as it appears, I wondered? Could it stand for the word "hogmagog," a Celtic version of the biblical "Gog and Magog?"

In fact, "Hogmagog" is a Celtic solar divinity. Britain’s Megg’s Hills are named for her, and several hillside chalk effigies portray her. (One is carved into the earth at Wandlebury near Cambridge). In Scotland, New Year’s Eve is called Hogmanay or "Moon of the Hag" in her honor.

Indeed, typing in "Rev. William Hogmagog Keller" adds up to exactly 666, the number of the Beast, using the Hebrew Gamatria methods I rely on.

In my opinion, Keller just went from being a squeeky-clean televangelist to a groveling minion of the Dark Lord himself. And any thinking person would give him at least half a chance of being the Antichrist, as I have done.

So who's a New Age witch now?


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Holy *&$^@#! Bono exonerated!

The Second Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that the FCC's 2004 declaration that "fleeting expletives" should be subject to a hefty fine is "arbitrary and capricious."

The FCC policy was established after U2 frontman and Christian world- hunger lobbyist Bono said during an NBC broadcast that winning a Golden Globe was "really, really !*&$^@# brilliant."

In the Bono decision, the FCC changed its definition of "fleeting" use, deciding that a certain word can be so vile that it runs afoul of the nation's indecency laws. The court's decision Monday appears to undo the Bono decision.

The rock star will continue to lobby the FCC to change its policy against vile celebrity sunglasses.


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Web: All about frivolous diversions

I've always said what the contentious Evolution/Intelligent Design debate needs is a rollicking, feel-good, old-fashioned screwball comedy about Adam and Eve.

And here it is!

Disney has made a preemptive six-figure purchase of All About Adam, according to Variety.com. The script "follows the biblical Adam as he trails Eve to modern-day Gotham after they have a lover's quarrel. Adam discovers Satan was behind the breakup."

See? Left to itself, our culture can sort through these prickly issues without resorting to violence.

Now all we need is a rollicking, feel-good, old-fashioned screwball comedy about Iraq.



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Christian humor, satire, humor