Uglyband: You're crowding me

David Crowder Band
Latest release: B Collision
www.davidcrowderband.com

The dubious background of The David Crowder Band begins in Waco, Texas. Its first fans were students at Baylor University, where, according to the band's promotional material, half the students at that "Christian" university don't even go to church.

This is hardly a recommendation.

The lack of imagination in the band is evidenced by several of its albums, which are named for colors —or perhaps for David's T-shirt of the day— The Lime CD, The Yellow CD, The Green CD, etc. (This worked for the Beatles... once). Or they're named with mindless alliterations—2005's Sunsets and Sushi, for instance. They even label albums like a freakin' middle school essay outline: "A" Collision in 2005; "B" Collision in 2006. I'm sure we're all looking forward to "C" Collision sometime in 2007.

Their most popular song, apparently, was a cover of Feliz Navidad that they posted on their website. And there's supposed to be a "secret" link on their site to a clip of "high-pitched male singing and playing piano." Who could resist that?

The photo at top shows an early attempt by the band members to get bit parts in Schindler's List.

Sure, they were MSN.com's Artist of the Year for 2006. Their music is probably great. But I don't see the attraction. These are all the kids who didn't get picked for anybody's dodgeball team, and had to form their own.

The inset photos of Crowder show a desperate attempt to create a style with thrift store purchases. Nothing seems to help.

This group might be beyond the aid of a fashion overhaul. Perhaps they should start a Meals on Wheels ministry instead.




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Christian humor, satire, humor

Web: Chocolate Jesus could be worse

Where to start.

An anatomically correct 6-foot statue of Jesus made out of milk chocolate and entitled "My Sweet Lord" led off an exhibit at the Lab Gallery inside midtown Manhattan's Roger Smith Hotel just before Holy Week.

The Catholic League, a watchdog group. called the exhibit "an assault on Christian sensibilities."

But there are several reasons to look on the bright side.

• At least this isn't a hollow chocolate Easter Bunny, touting commercialism and a dead pagan religion.

• No colored eggs or baby chicks are involved.

• Recent findings show chocolate is good for the heart.

• It's not white chocolate, which would stir up all kinds of racial controversy.

• No Easter bonnet was upon it.

• He could have included a soundtrack of Tom Waits' song Chocolate Jesus.

• He could have made it anatomically in-correct.

• Artist Cosimo Cavallaro didn't use his last sculpting material, in which he festooned a four-poster bed with 312 pounds of very un-kosher processed ham.

Update: Oh, never mind. They cancelled the exhibit.


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Web: Focus on the First Family?

Picky, picky, picky.

Focus on the Family founder and conservative political kingmaker James Dobson threw cold water on the presidential hopes of former Sen. Fred Thompson. "I don't think he's a Christian; at least that's my impression," Dobson told U.S. News & World Report.

(Thompson could have responded that as a baptized Church of Christ member, he doesn't think Dobson is saved, either).

The field of suitable candidates is dwindling. Dobson approves of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, but Gingrich recently admitted to an affair. And in January, Dobson said he "would not vote for John McCain under any circumstances."

The others? “I do not believe that the current excitement over Giuliani will continue,” Dobson has said. Mitt Romney? “There are conservative Christians who will not vote for him because of his Mormon faith."

So, hmm. Who's left to back for president? Who can live up to Dobson's expectations?

Probably no one but Dobson himself.

Dobson grew up influenced by an overpowering atmosphere of Nazarene holiness-sinless-perfectionism, according to Family Man, the biography by former Wall Street Journal reporter Dale Buss. "Jim's parents and grandparents really conveyed to him a sense of destiny, that he would be used of God to touch the world in a special way," according to a close friend from college.

Well, isn't it about time America had a president who can't sin? We've had plenty of the other kind. Who better to explain the difference between love and mere infatuation with a candidate? Who else could deal with a "strong-willed" Congress or spank the press?

He already often travels with four bodyguards, including a retired Delta Force commando.

That's why we predict that James Dobson will rally his eight million supporters and dare to discipline them for a White House run in 2008.

You heard it first here.

Video: I love the smell of xenophobia in the morning

How'd we miss this?

Pat Robertson--who's never, ever had any designs to take over the U.S. government himself... well, no new plan in the last 24 hours (see photo above)-- was spooked by the election of the first Muslim to Congress last year. Now he's issued a call for churches to work to get Christians elected and to "stand up and not worry about the IRS, not worry about if you're gonna lose your tax exemption." To break the law, in other words. (Watch the video clip from his 700 Club program).

"The curse of God is to bring in people who don't share your point of view and then ultimately destroy your civilization."

Ah, the dangers of diversity. Sounds a lot like the Know-Nothing party of the 1850s, who were fearful of Irish and other Catholic immigrants.

Robertson probably would have signed up as a Know-Nothing back then. But many descendants of those same Catholic immigrants are now charismatic Catholic supporters of his TV program. Go figure.

Pat needs to reread William Kristol's April 2006 article in the Weekly Standard warning that populist Republicans are in danger of "turning the GOP into an anti-immigration, Know-Nothing party."

Meanwhile, we're all FreeSoilers here at The Door.


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Primitives in paradise

The Association of Social Anthropologists recently ruled the terms "stone age," "primitive" and "savage" are unacceptable to describe tribal and indigenous people. They assert that "stone age" is a term that has been used for many years to create an impression that such people are "backward."

In response, 150 million tribal people in 60 countries have lodged a complaint with the United Nations, saying that "tribal" didn't originally refer to backwardness, but that wars, insurgencies and violent incidents in the Middle East and elsewhere are giving the term itself a bad name.

Uma ilouonga, a member of a peaceful tribe on the shores of Lake Tahuto on Upper Lumpopo Island, carried the request before the world body in New York, first distributing garlands of flowers and bags of fresh-killed monkey meat to the gathered diplomats. Communicating in the almost unintelligible grunts and squawks of his native Lumpopo-ese, Uma's speech was pieced together in translation for the delegates.

"The world's wars, clan and gang rivalries, vendettas and grudge killings always seem to have a religious or political component," Uma said. "And yet, the media refer to this as 'tribal' conflict. But when it goes on between western countries because of ideology or nationalistic concerns, nobody says 'tribal.' Instead they start talking about 'just war theory.' We don't understand. Please explain."

Uma suggested "tribal," "primitive," "savage," "backward" and "stone age" not be banned but rather applied to every society, at least until people start showing more human kindness.

His request was turned down, and Uma later was voted off his own island after his fellow stone-age neighbors sold it to the Chiquita and Dole fruit conglomerates.



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Christian humor, satire, humor

Video: Creation Science 101

Wasn't the world created on a bet between God and L. Ron Hubbard?
Whatever happened, "In the beginning, it begun."

Roy Zimmerman gives us a lesson in Intelligent Design in this youtube video clip called Creation Science 101. It was recorded at the 2006 Skeptics Society conference and appears on his album "Faulty Intelligence."


***************
Um... if this offends you, just skip on over to the latest glimmer of hope for peace for the Middle East. ... or possibly a harbinger of Armageddon: Hooters is opening a franchise in Israel!



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Christian humor, satire, humor

Beastie Update: P&G menace at an end?

I guess you've heard the grim news.

Procter and Gamble just won $19.25 million in damages against the Amway Corp. for spreading the rumor that the company donated some of its profits to the Church of Satan. In the 1980s, rumors also circulated that the company logo -- a man-in-the-moon image surrounded by 13 stars-- was satanic. Some people even discerned the number 666 entwined in the character's beard.


The urban legend website Snopes.com has long debunked the stories. The lawsuit was designed to shut down the rumor mill completely, and I suppose it will.

But our feeling is, where there's smoke there's fire.

Consider the history of the partnership of Mr. Procter and Mr. Gamble (and compare it with the alliance of the Beast with the False Prophet, another famous duo). The candlestick maker and soap maker in 1837 conceived the idea for an unholy mixture of their two trades. Then using secret alchemical machinations they produced a soap that defied all natural physics by floating on the surface of the water. They tried to hide the ghastly genesis of this "Ivory" soap: According to the P&G website, "Inspiration for the soap's name—Ivory—came to Harley Procter, the founder's son, as he read the words 'out of ivory palaces' in the Bible one Sunday in church."

A quick check of Psalm 45 will show there is nothing at all about soap in this passage. How like the son of perdition to use holy scripture in the service of deceit. (And notice the similarity of "Harley Procter" and "Harry Potter"?)

The company later introduced such nefarious products as Crisco and Oxydol soap powder. (Oxydol spelled backward could very well be a supplication to the neopagan god Lody in the Old Slavonic language).

The company's Crest toothpaste was the first to include the controversial gateway drug flouride (later used by the Russians to rob Americans of their ''precious body fluids," as proven in the movie Dr. Strangelove).

Pampers, Tampons and Olestra would soon follow.

The media and the courts have each bought into the conglomerate's shell game act on this, so I suppose it's no use raising a public alarm.

Instead, next week we'll examine another suspicious but overlooked partnership from the 19th century--the cough drop magnates The Smith Brothers-- and how their remedy for "humors and eruptions" loosened the nation's moral vigilance and introduced the French-sounding word "lozanges" into American life.

(The lozange shape is found in prehistoric caves and megaliths representing the pubic area of the Mother Goddess).


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Uglyband: Get back, tobymac

tobymac
Latest CD: Portable Sounds

Tobymac is a solo rap performer who used to be with the group dcTalk years ago (in the photo above, he's the guy in the middle. Click for a larger view). One person like him is a lot easier to take than a whole group, so going solo was a smart move. But in reviewing photos of his musical career, I notice a de-volution of sorts.

The latest photos all feature tobymac with some kind of head covering. In one he has a black cap. In another he's wearing a sort of British, Sherlock Holmes thing. One picture has him in what looks like a white chef's hat. (The one hatless photo suggests that without a hat, his hair just goes every-which-way. Maybe that's why he started wearing hats).


But compare those photos with the original publicity shot of dcTalk above. Now tell me who you'd rather have come into your church or youth group and perform for your kids. What kind of role model do these other photos portray? Which young man do you see becoming a success, the one in the dcTalk picture or the one who can't decide which hat to wear? At 42 he's not getting any younger, so he needs to carefully consider these issues.

And as an aside--simply a public relations question--why "tobymac?" What kind of name is that? Is he Toby, or is he Mac? It tells me, "I'm an indecisive, wishy-washy flip-flopper."


He claims he got the name because he was born in October. Let's just be glad he wasn't born in February.

Makeover bottom line? Lose the hat, find a nice white shirt and a tie. Quickly. Your bio-clock is ticking.





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Christian humor, satire, humor

Web: Amazing Ale

You've probably already seen Amazing Grace, the historical movie about British abolitionist William Wilberforce. Now, from our cousin site in England, Ship of Fools, comes this important product announcement: William Wilberforce Freedom Ale!

Brewed at The Westerham Brewery in Kent, England, near the site where Rev. Wilberforce began his fight against the slave trade, it's "a deep mahogany ale characterised by its mellow bitterness and long hoppy finish." Whatever that means.

Anyway, it's also a free-trade beer made with demerara sugar from a smallholders' plantation in Malawi, and a portion of the sales price goes toward the campaign against human trafficking.

Sorry. Can't buy it in the U.S., apparently, but you can order some.

Or, you could strike a blow against your own slavery to alcohol and chew some gum instead. (But that's just the Baptist in me talkin').


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Beastie: Waiting for Saddam

Looming out of the north country, across the border in Canada, Dean Coombs of www.bible-codes.org has brought clarity to the muddle of numerological gematria studies.

For years he's posted reams and reams of explanations concerning his breakthrough understanding of the "handwriting on the wall" that the prophet Daniel interpreted.

I was pretty much convinced he had pinned the number of the beast on Saddam Hussein, until the former Iraqi president slipped from our grasp at his execution.

Coombs points out that Saddam died exactly 1260 + 1260 days after Coombs' discovered the "mene-tekel-uparsin" code. And, note that Saddam was killed on the day that the Muslims say Abraham offered up his son.

Coombs offers up some compelling translations when he passes the scriptures through to his decoder ring:

"O' Mina, rise up!
For you shall cast down the one being mocked---the bland tasting one!
O' Jealousy! {Cf., Ex. 34:14.)
Spit! Spit out the accursed thing! {Revelation 3:16}
O' Powerful Jaw (i.e., the grave and sheol),
Vomit! Vomit out his decay! {Lev. 18:28, Ps. 16:10}"

The "bland-tasting one"? Powerful, nauseating stuff. Nauseating in a good way.

But Coombs now says Saddam is not the antichrist, merely a forerunner of the coming antichrist.

We disagree. Coombs must be unaware of the scripture in Revelation predicting the Beast will "recover from a deadly head wound." Now, if getting your neck snapped by the hangman's noose isn't a deadly head wound, I don't know what is.

It's way too much work to spend years building a case against Saddam and then throw it all away, just because he's dead. It not good stewardship of your gematria codes.

No, sir. Here at Weekly Beastie, Saddam is still on our list of suspects.

And always will be.


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Lent: Guess we were wrong

UPDATE: We previously scoffed at Michigan Catholics eating rodents for Lent. Now we may have to eat crow.

Apparently, rodents are tasty after all. Who knew?

Take the case of the capybara of Venezuela, reputed to be the world’s largest rodent. Salted capybara tastes like a mixture of sardines and pork. "While the Roman Catholic Church generally forbids eating meat during certain days of Lent, many Venezuelans insist that the capybara is more akin to fish than to meat...."

In fact, Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez swears by capybara empanadas washed down with papaya juice.

So I guess we should say, "Buen provecho!"


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Video: Humans ruining solemn occasions

Religion is Funny is a youtube clip of home videos made at communions, christenings and weddings.

These are examples of just how badly things can go wrong while still trying to maintain an atmosphere of reverence.

I think you'll see that things can go very, very badly wrong, indeed.


Technorati Tags: religion humor,
Christian humor, satire, humor

Medalert: Ethical lapse in genetically engineered 'skeeters

U.S. scientists have genetically engineered mosquitoes with eyes that glow in the dark, don't carry malaria and have a better survival rate than their wild counterparts.

The study, published in this week's early online edition of the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, suggests that the transgenic malaria-resistant mosquito "could one day be introduced into the wild, where it would outbreed natural mosquitoes and reduce the spread of malaria."

That's great. But, um, aren't we forgetting something here, folks? As long as we're mucking around with this insect's genetic code, why don't we just make them all allergic to humans?

Duh!

We don't have much malaria around here, but when I sit out on my front porch in the summer, we do have swarms of 'skeeters that give you whelps that hurt like the dickens. Doesn't that carry any weight with the lab-coated set?

I can't believe this important moral issue is being ignored.

I call on scores of you to stop scratching your mosquito bites and send your complaints to Dr. Mauro T. Marrelli, Department of Epidemiology, Faculdade de Saúde Pública, Universidade de São Paulo, SP, Brazil.

Remember: It's never too late for more tinkering with the genetic code.


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Vernal EquiNOT

"We were completely off this year," confessed Oleg Brohannson, as he and the five other neo-pagan worshippers gathered up their drums, candles and noise makers and put them back into the Volvo wagon.

"We set everything up very carefully. At just the right time, the sunlight was supposed to shine through the cleft in the boulder over there and hit the center of that runestone pillar.

"But that's at the summer solstice. Because of global warming or something-- maybe it was that bad batch of homemade mead-- we showed up at the vernal equinox, not the solstice. We should have been over at the Eisencrag Megalith for that one. That's why nobody else showed up. I guess we just got confused."

"Yeah, and I was all ready to do a real 'Stomp!' impersonation on those drums, too," said his friend, Karl, as he took off his horned helmet and threw it into the back seat.

Their companion, Heatherwind Jasmin, had another explanation. "I think somebody hacked Wikipedia again. The article on the solstice definitely gave today's date for the celebration. Darn it!"

Despite the chance that without their sacred rituals the Great Dragon might swallow the sun and chaos engulf the universe, the group got back in the station wagon and headed over to the Loki and Tokey Tea Room to catch the tail end of the Vernal Equinox afterglow service with their more-clued-in friends.

Later, after a few drinks, none of them could tell much difference between that day and the day before ...or the day after.


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Lent: Are we not having fun yet?

Who says Catholics are rigid in their rituals and traditions? They can be practically antinomian if the conditions are right.

While other Catholics are fasting from meat during Lent, those in southeast Michigan can feast on muskrat. They can eat as much as they want of the foot-long, water-dwelling rodent. Restaurants in the area even have muskrat on the menu.

The practice dates from the early 1800s, when a missionary allowed French-Canadian trappers and the families muskrat as a substitute for fish in Fridays and during Lent. A church ruling in 1956 confirmed that although muskrat is a warm-blooded mammal and technically flesh, the custom had been so long held along Michigan's rivers and marshes that it was "immemorial custom," thus allowed under church law.

Of course, according to the late Bishop Kenneth Povish, "anyone who could eat muskrat was doing penance worthy of the greatest of the saints."

You can, uh, probably eat as many rusty nails as you want, too.


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Beastie Update: Arkansas 666 alert!

Finally, people are waking up.

Arkansas legislators are up in arms about the federal government's attempt to standardize drivers licenses nationwide, according to an Associated Press report March 11. (By way of the Dallas Morning News Religion Blog).

After quoting those who "dabble in biblical prophecy" the reporter asks an academic--Carl Raschke, chairman of religious studies department at the University of Denver--to provide some historical perspective. Raschke explains that fears about the federal government and the mark of the beast stretch back 100 years. "Worries about the number 666 came up when the U.S. established Federal Reserve banks and the Social Security system."


Well, we believe these worries are well founded, Prof. Raschke. You may not have noticed--sitting up there in your "ivory tower"--but a government that can audit your taxes, melt the polar icecaps merely by producing a movie, make you take your shoes off before you get on a plane and steal elections with ballot boxes stuffed with "chads" is a government not to be trusted.

But we've noticed something else, professor. We've noticed that if we were to send you a prophetic electronic message, the e-mail address line would be "To: crashkeatdu.edu," which adds up to 663. By adding in the value of the colon, which probably is "3" or should be, the numerological meaning is suspiciously like that attributed in the Book of Revelation to the thrice-damned servant of the Evil One himself, the Antichrist--666.

So I'd watch myself if I were you.

Eternal vigilance is our middle name. (Which is weird, because we usually don't trust people with two middle names. It's like wearing a belt with suspenders).


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Web: March Madness indeed!

St. John the Baptist stuns Christ the King

Were you shocked when you saw that headline in Newsday? Or simply chagrined, dispirited and cynical? After all, two esteemed religious figures at each other's throats? Again? When you realized it was only about high school basketball, were you embarrassed, contrite and repentant, thinking "How could I have doubted?"

Its a sad commentary on the mixing of religion, sports and stupidity... or something.


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Video: The Two-minute Mizvah

For many of us, who can barely perform a 20-second mitzvah, this will come as good news.

Yes, we were drawn back jewcy.com and discovered their "Two Minute Mitzvah" feature, Rabbi Yoni Goldfarb's quest to spread goodness, two minutes at a time. It's part of our pre-Passover countdown. Woo-hoo!

A mitzvah is an "act of kindness," and Rabbi Yoni Goldfarb says, "No matter what pair of slacks you're wearing in the day-to-day, there's always a pocket of time to make nice." This one is called "Never Cry over Shpilled Milk."

And the bottom line is something I plan to have lamenated for my wallet: "It was better to have klutzed & shplotzed than never to have klutzed at all."


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Christian humor, satire, humor

I'm a nar... a narciss.. oh, whatever. I'm special.

The results are in.

The Associated Press reports that the Narcissistic Personality Inventory by San Diego State University shows two-thirds of college students have above-average scores in narcissism, 30% more than in 1982.

The survey asks students to rate statements like, “If I ruled the world, it would be a better place,” “I think I am a special person” and “I can live my life any way I want to.”

Narcissism can have benefits, said study coauthor W. Keith Campbell of the University of Georgia, suggesting it could be useful in meeting new people “or auditioning on American Idol. ”

(Or, hey, judging contestants on American Idol, for that matter).

Narcissists tend to lack empathy, react aggressively to criticism and favor self-promotion over helping others.

The study asserts that narcissists “are more likely to have romantic relationships that are short-lived, at risk for infidelity, lack emotional warmth, and to exhibit game-playing, dishonesty and over-controlling and violent behaviors.”

The trend could be harmful to personal relationships and American society as whole, the report said.

But, uh, careers in psychotherapy look bright.


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Beastie: We vote for Cain's spawn

This Weekly Beastie salutes Sen. John McCain.

We appreciate his service to his country, sure. But as I pointed out in a previous Beastie posting, the name "John McCain" has embedded within it the cursed appellation of history's first recorded murderer: Cain, the elder son of Adam and Eve.

As if no one would notice.

If reason had anything to do with it, McCain should be disqualified from the field of 2008 candidates. But, noooo. Because our Constitution forbids any biblical or religious "test" for public office, he can't be prevented from running. He'll probably continue his campaign even after this blogpost is published. The arrogance of these would-be puppets of the Prince of the Power of the Air (remember, McCain was a pilot).

A brief look at his career shows that trouble follows him at every turn. He crashed several planes, spent years as a prisoner of war and (note this carefully) became an Anheuser-Busch beer distributor. He made a cameo appearance in the 2005 summer movie Wedding Crashers to try to establish his claim to be a hip, "regular guy." Clever.


But did you know that if McCain won the 2008 election, he'd be the oldest person in history to assume the presidency? What better cover than old age for bringing in a New Age Messiah? (You may scoff, but note that Hugh Delehanty, editor in chief of AARP publications, is a practicing Buddhist! More on "Why you should be suspicious of old people" in future posts.)

During his 2000 presidential bid, McCain called televangelist Jerry Falwell an "agent of intolerance," seemingly dismissing any support from the Religious Right. Yet in May 2006, McCain gave the commencement address at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University. Many political observers sensed a deal with the Prince of Darkness behind their new friendship.

Entering the words "John McCain" into our Weekly Beastie calculator gave a gematria result of 365 (too small, but corresponding to the days of the year. Hmm.) Other attempts were no better. Sen. John McCain=715 (too much); President McCain=953 (way too much). Adding his middle name didn't help--John Sidney McCain=739.

But strenuous calculations cut through all McCain's fiendish camouflage.

I entered the words "John S. McCain" into our stepped-drum calculator mechanism (not unlike the Burkhardt Arithmometor, for you tech-minded history buffs), and the pins, levers and gears began to shake and struggle, deep in a mystical, computational agon. Eventually the numerals rolled right into the slots, like greased demons into a herd of pigs. The total: 665.

Well, OK, that's a little off, but with the period counting as a "one," the numbers are a slam dunk at 666.

Mission accomplished.


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Ready for Pesach?

Passover is only a few weeks away, so we went to Jewcy.com to find Exodus-themed ways to observe the holiday.

It's such a great site, but I like the online store the best.

Check out the Moses Action Figure. Grasping a staff and with tablets of stone in tow, you can almost hear Charleton Heston pointing to the foaming walls of water splitting the Red Sea and saying, "Behold his mighty hand!"

Now that's action.

And afterwards, need something to get rid of the matzoh aftertaste? There's Chosen Gum "for the Jew who likes to chew." A citrus-flavored treat for gum aficionados, even for goyim like us who don't know kosher from schvitz.



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Christian humor, satire, humor

Rick Warren replaced by anime figure

Rick Warren has resigned as pastor of Saddleback Church in California. He will be succeeded by Calumon, an animated Japanese manga character.

"It's a logical next step for the church, we think," said church elder Steve Bartleby. "Calumon is a natural leader, he's on the cutting edge of pop-culture sensibilities, he can relate to people of either gender, and with his varietal coloring, he won't even need the Hawaiian shirt."

"We love Rick and always will," Bartlby said. "But Calumon can expand his ears when he's happy or excited to allow him to fly. There are just so many facets to his ministry skills."

The Crystal-Matrix figure on his forehead will also allow him easy access to Jewish gatherings, which helps in evangelism and ecumenical communication.

Warren, called "secular America's favorite evangelical Christian" by Forbes magazine and author of The Purpose-Driven Life --as well as a collection of quotes that appeared on Starbucks coffee cups in 2005-- said he grew weary in his year-long attempt to personally meet everyone in his megachurch congregation. He will be working at home on his project to stop or slow continental drift.

Saddleback church, with an annual budget of $30 million, 300 employees, a 120-acre campus and around 22,000 worshippers each weekend, will be a challenge for Calumon, one of the Digimon creatures living in a parallel universe that originated from Earth's various communication networks. His name comes from the Japanese word "Kurukuru," which describes the sound of spinning. (Calumon does not Digivolve, and cannot be Digi-Modified).

Although not a best-selling author like Warren, Calumon has recorded two singles, Asobo Culuculu and Culu Culu Culumon! sung by Tomoko Kaneda, and I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas, which was never commercially released.



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Christian humor, satire, humor

Video: Muslim rimshot

Our favorite Islamic comedian, Azhar Usman, is featured on a video clip, Allah Made Me Funny, the official Muslim Comedy Tour.

"The first thing you need to know, "he says, "is, I'm not Osama bin Laden's brother....(pregnant pause) I'm his cousin."

We interviewed Usman in our March/April, 2003 issue of The Wittenburg Door. He's even funnier now.

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Christian humor, satire, humor

Uglyband: Running out of Adrenaline

Christian rockers Audio Adrenaline are legends in Christian rock-- 15 years of touring with two Grammy Awards, more than 3 million records sold and 18 No.1 radio hits.

But the band is calling it quits in April. That's too bad, because, in the realm of style and fashion, their clean, non-nonsense custuming and understated showmanship could help shape the image of Christian showbusiness for years to come.

Watch the slideshow of the fall leg of their farewell tour provided by The Dallas Morning News. Do you notice anything? A theme?

Hint: In most of the photos the band is wearing simple, white T-shirts. The kind people wore in the 1950s. The kind I wore as a kid. The kind Christian bands of the future should all be wearing.

It says: no distractions. It says "we know who we are."

But to some people it also might convey "we're older than dirt."

So, I don't know. Maybe it is time for this band to fold up and make room for fresh talent.

But the elegant, simple white "T" will never go out of style.


Technorati Tags: Audio Adrenaline,
Christian humor, satire, humor

George Bush's personal Apocalypto

Mayan priests will purify a sacred archaeological site to eliminate "bad spirits" after President Bush visits Guatemala next week.

The "spirit guides of the Mayan community" decided it would be necessary to cleanse the sacred site at Iximche of "bad spirits" after Bush's visit so that their ancestors could rest in peace, said Juan Tiney, the director of a Mayan nongovernmental organization.

But surely Bush is up to speed on Mayan culture after watching Mel Gibson's movie, Apocalypto.

And all he plans to do is have a short pick-up game of hoops in that sacred "ball court" thingie in the temple plaza (see photo at right). Where's the harm in that?

Let's all just lighten up, OK?


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Video: The miracle of the shoes

Texas filmmaker and Baylor University film/screenwriting professor Chris Hansen has made a continuing series of short videos called American Messiah. In this clip he explains his "miracle of the shoes."

His feature film, The Proper Care and Feeding of an American Messiah, will be screened at the AFI International Film Festival in Dallas, March 22-April 1.

I don't remember Baylor as being that conducive to funniness, but I guess I'm wrong. This is pretty funny.


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Prayer Team throws in the towel

"We've tried, but it just doesn't seem like God is responding," said Presidential Prayer Team leader John Lind. "We've had hundreds of people praying daily for-- how long has it been now, seven years?-- and the president keeps falling in the polls, saying embarrassing stuff and making bad decisions."...

Ooookay. Seriously...

We of course endorse praying for our national leaders. They usually need lots of prayer.

But I just found out that the Presidential Prayer Team offers a National Leaders Prayer Deck of 52 cards featuring the most influential men and women in our national government. You can get it for a $25 donation. It can be used as an aid to prayer, sort of like those holy cards with pictures of the saints that Catholics use.

Anyway, it reminded me of something else, but what? Hmm. Whoa! It's weirdly similar to the deck of Most Wanted Iraqis issued to troops in 2003.

So, who's the ace of spades in the Presidential Prayer Team's deck? And what happened to that Scooter Libby jack of diamonds?


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Web: Comedy Central waits for bolt of lightning

Comedy Central ended its season of The Sarah Silverman Program last night by featuring the title character having sex with God, and then trying to brush him off after a night of lovemaking.

Many of those who saw it say it went overboard, wasn't funny and ended up as tasteless crap.

It's being rebroadcast tonight at 9:30 p.m. Central time. There's also a youtube clip that Comedy Central wants you to watch.

We're not providing a link, because we draw the line at actual blasphemy. And... well, we're really just talking about this for the benefit of those who think we're unfunny and tasteless.

Now we can finally point to someone who's worse.


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Web: Ski trip gift idea

Just in time for Spring Break, and still available on ebay: The David Koresh Snowboard, complete with a signature that says "Yahweh Koresh."

Did this really belong to Koresh, the aspiring rock guitarist who became the charismatic leader of the Branch Davidian sect and then died in a conflagration along with most of his congregation in Waco in 1993? Doesn't say.

The board's artwork features Koresh "relaxing with a beer in one hand and a remote control in the other."

Starting bid at $500. No other bids so far.

I didn't even know he was a snowboarder. But I knew he was Xtreme.


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Web: Oops. Creationwiki not looking so bad now

Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia that we use occasionally here and have commented on, is in turmoil.

One of its most prolific contributors and editors, "Essjay," a professor of religion with advanced degrees in theology and canon law, was exposed as a 24-year-old community college drop-out.

Essjay was actually Ryan Jordan, a 24-year-old from Kentucky with no advanced degrees who used texts such as Catholicism for Dummies to help him correct articles on the penitential rite or transubstantiation. He had a hand in editing 20,000 Wikipedia entries.

Hmm. Luckily, I've hidden my copy of Religious Satire for Dummies under the mattress.


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Video: Christian evolution alternative?

What we don't know about creation and/or evolution could fill the Crystal Cathedral up to the cheap seats. But luckily there are some humorous aspects to be found in the midst of all the acrimony of the public debate.

This short clip from The Family Guy on youtube shows the alternative Creationist teachings "required by the State of Kansas" as envisioned by the animators.

Enjoy.

Or cringe, whatever.


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Beastie Update: 'Jesus' moves to Houston suburb

A week or so ago our Weekly Beastie feature revealed the truth about Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda of Miami, who claims to be both the Antichrist and the reincarnation of Jesus Christ.

His numbers didn't add up either way, so we thought he was just another regular guy with a following of Pope-hating, tattooed, antinomian New Age churchgoers-- the kind you might find anywhere.

But now he's moved to a suburb of Houston, and we're not so sure anymore.

As a Texan, I know that any decision to move to a suburb of Houston is never taken lightly. Whether it's Baytown, Texas City, Pasadena (the article doesn't say), it always involves a decision to breath toxic, refinery-polluted air (see photo). Most people don't do this unless they've made a Faustian deal with the oil companies in return.


In fact, the only other reason someone would decide to constantly breath the sulphur-infused, infernal atmosphere of southeast Texas is if they were... the Antichrist.

We're gonna re-calculate his Beastie score immediately.


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Christian humor, satire, humor