The stump speech we'll never hear

[As music of the rock anthem Cum On Feel The Noize by Slade slowly fades]

Thank you all for your energy and support! I look out on this crowd of supporters tonight and see, not just a dazzling diversity of races, ages, genders and classes, but a whole stadium full of people who think just like I do, in lockstep with my agenda. I love that. We certainly don't want any divergent ideas spoiling our celebration, do we?

And yes, you all turned out in record numbers to support our platform of transformation of this country into a nation that will bend to my will. And I'm going to let you know what that is soon, very soon. But for a moment let's just exult in the magic of being together and united by the exhilaration that drives out reasoned thinking and logical questioning. It's actually pretty fun.

You have worked diligently for months canvassing neighborhoods, calling and buttonholing your friends and even perfect strangers in support of our campaign. Most of you are volunteers. I have listened to your complaints about government, your desires for change in Washington and your opinions on policy issues. And I will incorporate your concerns into our program. But I will listen even more carefully to those who donated large amounts of cash to keep this drive going. That's only natural, don't you agree?

My vision for America is based on the values and aspirations we all share. Liberty, equality and peace, among others. I also have my own idiosyncratic take on many of these values that you will slowly and with horror come to realize months and years into my presidency. Don't worry, you'll get used to them. (You'd better, if you want to stay on my team).

And let's not let this moment pass without thanking the Lord of your choice, that Higher Power who has been overseeing our cause from the first. He or She is ever faithful to take particular and almost unbelievably minute interest in every single aspect of our campaign. Let's give God a clap offering right now! (We can put the deity back into it's box after the inauguration).

Sadly, after we lay out our positive vision of America, we must talk about the evil we face, the dark shadow that would extinguish America's great light.

No, I'm not talking about foreign terrorists. I'm talking about my political opponents and their ilk, who would presumptuously vote against us at the polls, work against our programs in Congress and badger us in the media and in those detestable blogs and talk shows. Be assured that as we carry forward our policy of bipartisan progress and unity, we will try at every turn to cripple our political opponents and position ourselves for the next election. And remember, we do it all for you.

Surely the lesson of wise leaders through the ages is that every positive movement needs an evil scapegoat. Promoting paranoia helps, too. We promise to stoke that version of unreality at every opportunity.

Finally my friends, let us redouble our efforts to stifle the bad, old politics of the past and bring in the good old politics of the future. Let's get rid of politics as usual. But let's be sure that it remains politics, whether unusual, new-fangled or just revarnished.

Thank you and God bless.

[Cue recessional Won't Get Fooled Again by The Who]

For a milder version of an all-purpose political speech, listen to this 1895 address read by Scott Simon on NPR 's Weekend Edition. And here's a transcript and comment by a Princeton archivist.


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The Primaries in Song, Vol. II

We've been examining the Primaries through the prism of music. Last time we tipped our hat to the Republicans. Now it's the Democrats' turn. It's interesting that the political essence of each Democratic candidate can be summed up in a popular Broadway show tune.

For instance, here's Barack Obama! sung to the tune of Hakuna Matata! from the hit musical The Lion King:

Barack Obama! What a wonderful phrase
Barack Obama! Ain't no passing craze.
It means no worries for the rest of your days
It's a problem-free political philosophy--
Barack Obama!

Then there's Hillary Clinton's version of The Little Mermaid show-stopper, Under the Sea:

Back in DC
Where Bill and I used to be,
Better the White House
than Capital Hill, You can take it from me!
Up on the Hill they'll work all day
on health legislation they'll slave away.
While we're applyin'
Full time to lyin'
Back in DC.

Back in DC,
Back in DC
Policy jargon
gives Bill a hard-on, take it from me!
We what the pundits love to cook,
but back in DC we off the hook.
In the White House no troubles,
Life is the bubbles,
Back in DC.

OK, that was harsh. But here's John Edwards' version of the intensely emotional Defying Gravity from Wicked.

Something has changed within me,
Something is not the same.
I'm through with playing the "lawyer"
I want to spoil someone else's game.
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to court
It's time to trust in my millions
Throw my hat in the ring... or abort.
It's time to try
Defying HILLARY
I think I'll try
Defying HILLARY
And you can't pull me down...
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all DC
No pollster that was or will be
Is ever gonna bring me down!

Sadly, Dennis Kucinich has no song... because nothing rhymes with Kucinich.

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The Primaries in Song, Vol. I

Remember that song from the '60s by Dion about fallen American political heroes-- Abraham, Martin and John? It always made me shed a tear. So I've adopted it to honor the Republican candidates, who will all more than likely be politically eliminated after November 2008. The song is called Mitt, Huckabee, Thompson and John.

Try not to choke up.

Mitt, Huckabee, Thompson and John

Anybody here understand Mitt Romney?
Can you tell me where he's wrong?
He labored to explain that being Mormon's not insane
But that flew like a biplane past King Kong.

Anybody here seen the rest of ol' Mike Huckabee?
Can you tell me where it's gone?
We checked the lost and found after he lost 200 pounds.
(And if you're askin' me,
looks like enough for a VP)
So he could be his own runnin' mate before too long.

(brief instrumental interlude-organ)

Anybody here seen ol' Fred Thompson?
He's supposed to be out shakin' hands.
But he's easy to distract, unless he's focused on his nap.
Only Jeri can stir up his aging glands.

Can anybody here point out Senator McCain?
On the Straight Talk Express bus making calls?
He's lucky to survive being one of the Keating Five.
Can there be more to leadership than simply balls?

Didn't you love the things that they stood for?
Didn't they try to find some good for you and me?
And we'll be free
Some day soon, it's gonna be one day.

Anybody here seen Libertarian Ron Paul?
His ideas now make me yawn.
Wasn't that him and Giuliani buried in punch-card trash and chads
along with Mitt, Huckabee, Thompson and John.

Next up: The Democratic Primary in show tunes.

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U.S. troops to withdraw from Iraq, leave gift

After Gen. Petraeus delivers his report to Congress Sept. 11, there might be only one way left to win in Iraq:

(Baghdad)--U.S. troops withdrew from Iraq yesterday, leaving behind only a large wooden camel as a gesture of goodwill.

Although violence continued between sectarian groups, curious crowds gathered around the unusual, four-story structure in Baghdad's downtown square.

Local goat meat vendor Almahd Rhazdih said that Iraqis are glad of the Americans' departure, but are apprehensive about the future. He noted that insurgent fighters had surrounded the big dromedary, stopping the crowd from breaking it apart for firewood.

"Maybe they're going to analyze it, or use it for some kind of propaganda," he said. "Somebody said they might parade it through the streets and then behead it on TV. They're looking for a chainsaw now."

U.S. Defense Secretary Gates explained the gift of a camel is "a traditional Bedouin gesture of peace" that he hoped the new Iraqi rulers would accept.

"We're counting on their goodwill, curiosity and a profound ignorance of Western classical literature to make this work."


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Web: I Am Trying To Believe Dot Com

Oh My Gosh. Prepare to be creeped out. Browsing through Metafilter today I ran across a strange and radically weird series of a dozen websites tied together to tell a story of a future devastated by biological warfare and reactionary groups... or something.

If you've got eight or ten hours, take a look at churchofplano.com and iamtryingtobelieve.com and start the adventure.


A new drug, Parapin, is introduced into water systems to boost immune response, but has serious side effects. An addictive drug called OPAL plagues the cities. And the 105th Crusaders leave for fighting in Syria. Mass hallucinations occur of an arm reaching down from heaven to earth. Is it supernatural or psychological? There's even a church at the center of it all, The First Evangelical Church of Plano.

All I know is it's scarier and cooler looking than any of the Left Behind movies.

Bottom line: Apparently it's some kind of publicity ploy for a new Nine Inch Nails CD. But even so, doesn't this kind of marketing manipulation prove that the end is near?

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Christian humor, satire, humor