Beastie: Jackalypto!

It's gotta be the Last Days.

The bees are disappearing. We got Iraq, school shootings, giant squids emerging from the depths of the sea, women cloning their own stem cells to create sperm. Some guy in Ohio is turning an airplane once owned by cult leader Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh into a luxury bed and breakfast.
The planet's going crazy.

But what we didn't have until now was a giant robot statue of Michael Jackson clanking around in the Las Vegas desert, shooting lasers.

That's right. Things are getting seriously apocalyptic.

"Michael Jackson is in discussions about creating a 50-foot robotic replica of himself to roam the Las Vegas desert," the New York Sun reported. "It is the centerpiece of an elaborate Jackson-inspired show in Vegas, according to Andre Van Pier, the robot's designer. If built, the metal monster would apparently be visible to aircraft as they come in to land in the casino capital."

I scratched Jackson off my Beastie list when he vanished after his molestation lawsuit. But I see now it was only a ruse. He's back, and more sinister than ever.

You only have to open the Bible to the Book of Daniel to find a fitting example of a giant robot created in one's own image. King Nebuchadnezzar built one, a 90-foot-high statue of gold that everybody had to worship (Daniel 3:1-30).

Compare that with the story in Revelation 3:14-16. The False Prophet will erect a statue to honor the Beast. He will breathe life into the statue and cause it to speak . The Beast will also dazzle mankind with signs and wonders, possibly a "moonwalk" or some such otherworldly dance move.

The Bible does not mention lasers, but I don't need to physically touch the robot's single white glove to know who the Antichrist is, and I don't think you do either

This isn't the first time Jackson has exhibited tendencies toward self-deity. At the 1996 BRIT Awards, Jackson mimicked a Christ-like pose of crucifixion. And don't forget about the song They Don't Care About Us from the HIStory album in 1995, when he was forced to change the anti-semitic lyrics "Jew me, sue me" and "kick me, kike me." In 2003, Jackson announced that he was working on a video to promote his album Resurrection, in which he plays a man who is resurrected from the dead.

As evidence goes, what more could you want?

I carefully fed the letters of the King of Pop's name into the slot, one by one, switched on the gematria calculator and pulled the lever. The columns spun crazily, like a Las Vegas slot machine. When they stopped, I could see we'd hit the payline.... almost. The total was 665.

I attribute the error to Jackson's extensive rhinoplastic surgeries. With that adjustment figured in, the numbers agree with the facts--six hundred threescore and six is the "number of a man," er, sort of. He's already told us he's Bad (1987) and Dangerous (1991).

Now we know--Captain Eo in Neverland is most assuredly the Antichrist, for this week anyway.

Web: Thank God I'm scamming you

First, a disclaimer: I really believe in being thankful and seeing the hand of God in every circumstance. But www.thankgodi.com is perhaps the creepiest website I've ever run across. I had to wait a few weeks before I could even write about it. (Thanks for nothin' Metafilter).

One woman's testimony, "Thank God I Died," goes completely over the edge.

"Yes, in 1975 at four years old, I was brutally murdered. The child left the body, and I came back ... a completely different person. Much older, much wiser, with actual memories from the '50s and '60s that I should not have had at four."

Sorry honey, I can't go there. Maybe you should write "Thank God I'm Loopy." Oops, that's probably already somewhere on the site, too.

Other titles include "Thank God I Had An Abortion," "Thank God I Have A Disfunctional Family" and my personal favorite, "Thank God I Am a Bitch."

"Renowned authors" John Castagnini and Amanda Kroetsch, who created the site, invite you to become a published writer, earn a royalty and "enter the world of e-commerce and earn high commissions on every sale referred by your site." And then there's this telling image. Maybe that's why it's creepy.

Something like this can give gratitude a bad name.



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Christian humor, satire, humor

Web: Tactical terrorist intervention 101

Paige Patterson, controversial president of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth, has managed to blame Virginia Tech students for the death of their classmates. I think.

In a chapel address April 18, he said:

“Now if you’re a male student, will you just lift your hand for a moment so I can see you? Thank you for that commitment. God forbid that anything happen like this here, but each of you that just raised your hand said, ‘Never be more than two or three shots before I’m on him. Doesn’t matter how many of us he takes out. ‘ See, all you had to do was have six or eight rush him right at that time, and thirty-two people wouldn’t have died. Now folks, let’s make up our minds. I know we live in America where nobody gets involved in anybody else’s situation. That shall not be the rule here. Does everybody understand? You say, well I may be shot. Well, yeah, you may. Are you saved? You’re going to heaven. You know, it’s better than earth . . . Now one more time, how many male students are there? I’m counting on you.”

Patterson has long worried that American society was turning young boys into pansies. At a Sportsman's Safari wild game dinner in Arkansas in 2003, he said, "You've got to make little girls out of your little boys," in our society. Little boys, he said, need three things--a dog, a gun and a dad. "Get him a gun," Patterson urged. "Not a play gun, but a real gun. Play guns are the most dangerous guns in the world."

Well... tell that to the Virginia Tech student body.

(Thanks to Ben Cole's Baptistblog for the tip).


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Beastie: Sanjay will be back

How did the shape-shifting amateur singer Sanjaya Malakar become a household name in America without even winning the American Idol contest? That in itself was a miracle. And the thought occurred to me, as it often does .... could this be the Beast spoken of in holy scripture?

Indeed, there was ample evidence pointing to something fishy.

After his defeat on the show, Sanjay let slip a peek into his startling, hidden spiritual agenda during an interview with EW.com:

"When I saw the show on Tuesday I felt like I was going home. I tend to be psychic because my name means ''Spiritual Psychic.'' If I am in any way, that was the point where it showed. I felt it in my bones that I was going home. On Wednesday I was just down in the dumps. People were coming up to me all day and saying ''What's wrong?'' I would say ''Nothing.'' I was just really quiet."

Sure enough, Sanjaya is a character mentioned in the first book of the Bhagavad Gita. The meaning of Sanjaya, according to a prominent yogi, is "one who has systematically acquired control over his organs of perception and action." The symbolic meaning is that one is able to see beyond the normal range if one has control of his body and mind. Thus, psychic powers. And thus, Beastie candidate for sure.

Consider: a former character in Hindu myth with psychic powers controlling America's mass media without apparent talents or gifts. I smelled a pact with the Evil One.

All the signs were there-- the 7-ponytail faux-hawk hairstyle, being booed at Dodger Stadium, being named “Today’s Girl” on Maxim Online.

The singer no doubt elicited extreme emotions. Some despised him.
"The first step in your Sanjaya Malakar obsession recovery: releasing the hate until you have no more hate to give," one website explained.

Others swooned. "Sangasm—A special pleasure only Sanjaya can bring upon a person," reads an entry in the Sanjay Malakar Dictionary.

An idolatrous Sanjaya doll baby was even for sale on eBay. And more ominously, there was the sanjayatheapocalypse.com website.

Excited by these prospects, I repeatedly ran his name through the galloping gematria gearsprockets, fine tuning the Wankel wedges and adjusting the eductor-jet pump, but all to no avail.

Numerologically, "Sanjaya Malakar" would only add up to 660, nothing more.

But, surprise! Using the alternate gematria method of the Order of Nazorean Essenes (admittedly not the top quality or latest, cutting-edge method of interpretation) the words Sanjay Malakar combined exactly to create the mystical number of the beast, 666.

Close enough for apocalyptic work.

Sanjay may be gone, but rest assured, we'll be seeing him again, all too soon.


Emergency Beastie Bulletin: What a week! Giant Michael Jackson robot planned for Las Vegas. Could Captain EO be the Antichrist? More soon....


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Web: Murder is bad for happiness

After 9-11, the Scientologists sent teams of volunteer ministers to comfort the victims at Ground Zero. Now they're also descending on Blacksburg, Va., following the Virginia Tech shootings, to share their book, The Way of Happiness by L. Ron Hubbard. Its 21 precepts include "Do not murder."

Here's an excerpt:

"The stupid, the evil and the insane seek to solve their real or imagined problems with murder. And they have been known to do it for no reason at all....The way to happiness does not include murdering of your friends, your family, or yourself being murdered."

Well, that certainly makes everything clear.

(Thanks to hollywoodinterrupted.com, via BoingBoing).


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Video: Supreme Master Television

Many of us have grown bored of religious broadcasting. If you've seen Benny Hinn knock down 500 people with his jacket once, you've seen it a hundred times.

Prepare to get interested again.

Welcome to Supreme Master Television.

On her worldwide Internet TV network, the blonde bombshell who calls herself Supreme Master Ching Hai explains the virtues of vegetarianism, meditation and her house full of small dogs. It's "positive" news and entertainment and inspiration, repeated at 6-hour intervals. Forever.

This is from her FAQ page:

Q: "Master, will I be able to find my dead relatives and communicate with them if I practice the Quan Yin meditation?"

M: "Dead relatives? Oh, sure, sure. But I am afraid maybe you don't like to go there. Some of your people are difficult to get in touch with. If you want to go such place, you need a Master. Otherwise you will be in danger. So it's not always good to see dead relatives.
"Now, you practice the Quan Yin Method, and some of your relatives, dead relatives will be immediately released from whatever suffering they have. If they are already in heaven, they will go to a higher level of heaven. If they suffer light punishment, they can go immediately, quick. If it's too heavy, then we have to negotiate."

Now that's chutzpah! Must be why she has thousands of followers worldwide.

Watch the video clip on "Words of Wisdom" at her website, www.godsdirectcontact.org. I love the creepy double-cobra logo that blasts off and the Disney rip-off graphics. (Is that the Sleeping Beauty Castle/Taj Mahal in the background of the intro? Or what?) In other videos this lady recites poetry and sings. She even offers something called the "convenient method" that gives you only a "taste" of enlightenment.

One major plus: Unlike Benny, Supreme Master Ching Hai never asks for money.


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Web: The Jerusalem Compass

You know the little plastic compass that sometimes came in a cereal box, along with your secret decoder ring?

Well, this is not that. This is the Jerusalem of Gold Compass, which "appears to defy the laws of physics" by pointing toward Jerusalem instead of pointing north.

Moshe Abraham, an Israeli Orthodox Jew and "a Torah Scholar with fear of Heaven," says he received divine inspiration to develop a way of reminding believers about the significance of Psalm 122:6, “Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: they shall prosper that love thee.”

It's even certified by the Rabbinic Sages of Jerusalem, who confirm that users "will be able to direct their prayers toward the holy site of the Beis HaMikdash, may it be rebuilt speedily in our days, amen." And the compass can be calibrated to work from any city in the world while you travel. It uses no batteries, circuitry or computer chips.

The thick gold lid is deeply embossed in the center with a Jewish Star of David and "Jerusalem" written in Hebrew and English. The compass itself is brass, with the outer edges encircled with a floral design of pomegranates found on many ancient carvings in Jerusalem from the First Temple Period.

Cost is only $39.67 for the first 250 customers.

Uh, if you're going out in the woods alone, we suggest you also carry a GPS unit, is case you want to actually abide by the laws of physics and get back to your car.


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Christian humor, satire, humor