Crowns of thorns and jewels, Part I

I was puzzled by a news report yesterday that said a Greek Orthodox bishop's crown had been stolen.

I didn't realize they wore crowns. Mitres, funny hats maybe, but crowns? That's a new one. (Of course, I'm pretty provincial in my knowledge of religious regalia. I do know that Baptist preachers shouldn't wear both a belt and suspenders, for instance).

It seems Bishop Metropolitan Isaiah of Denver was dining in a restaurant in a Dallas suburb when someone broke into his car and stole, among other items, a New Testament and "a jeweled crown of gold and silver, which Isaiah estimated to be worth between $6,000 and $10,000." The good reverend offered a reward of at least $1,000 if the crown is returned without damage. "That was the first gift I received as a bishop 22 years ago," he said. "I feel lost without it." At a vespers service Saturday night, he was the only priest with no head covering.

Around my neighborhood, the thieves usually break out the window, take the change in the glove box and leave your mp3 player because they're on crack and aren't thinking straight. This thief was obviously in full control of his faculties. Too bad.

But a smidgen of scripture flashed through my mind. Don't we get crowns and stuff later, where moths and rust and thieves can't get to them? I thought the pattern was to suffer here, get a crown in heaven. Not get a crown now and then suffer when it's stolen. (See I Peter 5:4--I can talk about this because I have come to terms with the reality that I probably won't get a crown of any kind, not even a paper hat).

The crown, pictured above, is beautiful, of course. But what does it evoke in the beholder? What is the bishop thinking when he puts it on? How did we get from a circlet of thorns to a jeweled crown worth $10,000?

While in our area, Bishop Isaiah probably visited the Kimball Art Museum's astounding exhibit of early Christian art that runs through March 30.

The exhibit in Fort Worth is a once-in-a-lifetime gathering of paintings, sculpture and artifacts from around the world depicting Christian artistic expression from the third through the sixth centuries.

I bought a ticket at the suggestion of a Door compadre, and was not disappointed. After more than two hours immersed in Christian history, I emerged with questions about the nature of creativity, the place and purpose of art in the life of a believer and its relation to faith and worship... and stuff.

But mostly my thoughts kept returning to an insoluble problem. Is the studio set design at TBN really art?


Next time-- Crowns of thorns and jewels, Part II: Early, but not the earliest, Christian art


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An awkward subject: Evangelical power

The pundits are focused on evangelicals these days, with a Baptist preacher in the Republican race and everyone else reminding the media how much religion and Jesus means to them. (This can backfire if you're caught nodding off in church).

But Michael Lindsay has gone a step further. He interviewed more than 300 evangelicals in politics, media, Hollywood and corporate head offices to find out how they are handling their positions of power. Then he put their answers in his book, Faith in the Halls of Power: How Evangelicals Joined the American Elite, described as "the nation's largest and most comprehensive study of public leaders who are people of faith."

Lindsay, a sociologist at Rice University, is an evangelical himself. His book has been reviewed favorably as well as criticized.

Tonight he spoke to a small gathering at the Baptist Media Forum near Austin, Texas, and a couple of points he made disturbed me.

He said the real divide among evangelicals is not left- and -right-wing politicos, or fundamentalists and moderates. It's between "cosmopolitans" and "populists."

Cosmopolitans "try to distance themselves from populist cultural trappings-- the Left Behind books, Thomas Kinkade paintings, etc."

"Cosmopolitan Christians are disconnected to local churches," he said, but work great with parachurch groups and megachurches. Because they're flying all over, doing business deals, "they're not in town every Wednesday for the deacons meeting. They're disappointed with local pastors as leaders, and they think the local deacons and elders are navel gazing, not doing anything important."

With parachurch groups (and now megachurches), they can lead Bible studies and have prayer meetings on the west coast with "leadership peers" one day and then fly off to the east coast the next. It doesn't interfere with their business lifestyle.

But something is lost in that relationship--true fellowship, not to mention accountability.

"Church used to be the one place where the bank teller could know the bank president," Lindsay said. "We're losing that."

There are other consequences. He noted that if he'd written his book 10 years ago, he would have also interviewed Ken Lay, disgraced former head of Enron and a Christian bigwig before his fall.

"Evangelicals can certainly commit fraud too," he said (Duh!). "But many times it's Christians who are brought in to clean up messes like that."

All in all, he said he thinks most evangelical CEOs lead a "moral" lifestyle-- they're honest in their business practices, faithful to their wives. But they struggle with a cultural temptation that affects us all.

"Lots of books are written about how Christians should deal with personal finances," Lindsay said. "Nothing is written about how Christians should handle power."

Uh, now wait a minute. I don't have any power!

Not so, Lindsay says.

"We're the world's elite. Even average Christians have tremendous power. Think about it. Most of the world makes only $2 a day. We spend more than that on a Starbucks coffee. How do we handle that kind of power?"

A few executives he talked to had deliberately decided to live a more humble lifestyle-- giving away more than they made, driving older model cars, living in smaller homes. But only a few. And they still had substantial incomes.

"Executive compensation is an awkward subject for some of the people I interviewed. Their sin is that they-- and we-- are driven by materialism and consumerism," he said. "They have trouble controlling their lifestyles."

Emblematic of this is an annual, invitation-only meeting of high-dollar Christian donors. The purpose, Lindsay said, is to encourage giving and philanthropy. But it's always held at the Ritz-Carlton or some other outlandishly expensive venue.

"They told me no one would come if we held it at the Hyatt."

UPDATE: Since our meeting, Lindsay has expanded on this topic in a column in USA Today.


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The Primaries in Song, Vol. II

We've been examining the Primaries through the prism of music. Last time we tipped our hat to the Republicans. Now it's the Democrats' turn. It's interesting that the political essence of each Democratic candidate can be summed up in a popular Broadway show tune.

For instance, here's Barack Obama! sung to the tune of Hakuna Matata! from the hit musical The Lion King:

Barack Obama! What a wonderful phrase
Barack Obama! Ain't no passing craze.
It means no worries for the rest of your days
It's a problem-free political philosophy--
Barack Obama!

Then there's Hillary Clinton's version of The Little Mermaid show-stopper, Under the Sea:

Back in DC
Where Bill and I used to be,
Better the White House
than Capital Hill, You can take it from me!
Up on the Hill they'll work all day
on health legislation they'll slave away.
While we're applyin'
Full time to lyin'
Back in DC.

Back in DC,
Back in DC
Policy jargon
gives Bill a hard-on, take it from me!
We what the pundits love to cook,
but back in DC we off the hook.
In the White House no troubles,
Life is the bubbles,
Back in DC.

OK, that was harsh. But here's John Edwards' version of the intensely emotional Defying Gravity from Wicked.

Something has changed within me,
Something is not the same.
I'm through with playing the "lawyer"
I want to spoil someone else's game.
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to court
It's time to trust in my millions
Throw my hat in the ring... or abort.
It's time to try
Defying HILLARY
I think I'll try
Defying HILLARY
And you can't pull me down...
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all DC
No pollster that was or will be
Is ever gonna bring me down!

Sadly, Dennis Kucinich has no song... because nothing rhymes with Kucinich.

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The Primaries in Song, Vol. I

Remember that song from the '60s by Dion about fallen American political heroes-- Abraham, Martin and John? It always made me shed a tear. So I've adopted it to honor the Republican candidates, who will all more than likely be politically eliminated after November 2008. The song is called Mitt, Huckabee, Thompson and John.

Try not to choke up.

Mitt, Huckabee, Thompson and John

Anybody here understand Mitt Romney?
Can you tell me where he's wrong?
He labored to explain that being Mormon's not insane
But that flew like a biplane past King Kong.

Anybody here seen the rest of ol' Mike Huckabee?
Can you tell me where it's gone?
We checked the lost and found after he lost 200 pounds.
(And if you're askin' me,
looks like enough for a VP)
So he could be his own runnin' mate before too long.

(brief instrumental interlude-organ)

Anybody here seen ol' Fred Thompson?
He's supposed to be out shakin' hands.
But he's easy to distract, unless he's focused on his nap.
Only Jeri can stir up his aging glands.

Can anybody here point out Senator McCain?
On the Straight Talk Express bus making calls?
He's lucky to survive being one of the Keating Five.
Can there be more to leadership than simply balls?

Didn't you love the things that they stood for?
Didn't they try to find some good for you and me?
And we'll be free
Some day soon, it's gonna be one day.

Anybody here seen Libertarian Ron Paul?
His ideas now make me yawn.
Wasn't that him and Giuliani buried in punch-card trash and chads
along with Mitt, Huckabee, Thompson and John.

Next up: The Democratic Primary in show tunes.

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Survey disrespects churchgoers

A survey of unchurched Americans by LifeWay Research found that almost three quarters of those surveyed think churches are "full of hypocrites." Almost half those surveyed agreed that ''Christians get on my nerves.''

Response to the survey from Christian leaders was focused mainly on speaking to the underlying problem.

Franklin Graham, tripping over his shoes after parking his Harley, replied with a succinct: "Liar, liar, pants on fire."

Southwestern Baptist Seminary President Paige Patterson holstered his revolver and took up his pen: "There are several ways believers can respond to these shocking charges," he wrote. "The first is from Romans 5:15--'I know you are, but what am I?'"

Televangelist Benny Hinn said the standard retort to such complaints, based on Revelation Chapter 3, is "Kindergarten baby, Wash your face in gravy!" repeated five times and to be finished with a flourish of his white Nehru jacket.

Robert Schuller (who lives in a glass cathedral and therefore is reluctant to throw too many stones) smiled as he recalled a popular logical conundrum, "one that gets to the nub of the question, mainly, 'I am rubber, you are glue. What bounces off of me will stick to you!'"

Finally, T. D. Jakes reached into his rich reservoir of folk wisdom for this extended on-air reply, backed by the Grammy Award-winning Potter's House Choir:

"Roses are red, violets are blue,
I'm pretty cute, but what happened to you?
Those roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
your house is empty and so is your head.

I know karate, I know kung-fu,
So I ain't afraid of nobody like you.
No Reese's Pieces, no butter cups,
You mess with me and I'll kick your butt.
(All the way back to Pizza Hut).

Listen up now, you ain't got none of this,
So go home and cry, cause you just got dissed!"

Then the bishop twisted his jump rope into a flail and drove the pollsters out of the sanctuary.

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Closest some of us will get to heaven

A 9/11 flashback? No, a premonition.

This creepily prescient poster advertising the World Trade Center Twin Towers in the mid-1980s nearly knocked me out of my chair. I was reminded of my visit to the top of the trade center a couple of months before it was destroyed, then the unbelievably horrible collapse as the world watched.

Wouldn't this be the view angle as the victims' souls departed the conflagration?

Equally strange is this 1979 ad for Pakistan International Airlines, and this 1981 ad for an asbestos company that reassures, "Asbestos contains fire, cannot burn and holds up after metal and glass have melted down, giving vital time for people to escape." How sad.

(via BoingBoing)

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Weekly Beastie: Hand Jive

As the "blog of record" concerning all things Antichrist, we felt we should mention this sad story.

An Idaho man, believing he bore the Mark of the Beast on his hand, cut it off with a circular saw and then microwaved it for good measure. Police later determined their were no marks of any kind on the hand. The man remains in protective custody in the mental health unit of Kootenai Medical Center in Coeur d'Alene, where he and the hand were taken by ambulance.

Although we deplore his methods, we can only applaud his zeal in interpreting Jesus' command that if your hand offends you, cut it off. But there's also that injunction not to let your right hand know what your left hand is doing. This is now impossible, having disposed of one of the parties.

Bold action against the wiles of the Devil is no vice. But literalism is, as this man discovered.

If we took the Bible literally, why, who knows what strange doctrines might proliferate. No, the scripture is full of metaphor and allegory, and Satan uses these to hide behind. It's a subtle battle, in which interpretation is everything.

Take the name of the Idaho town, for instance-- Coeur d'Alene. This is obviously a made-up, foreign-sounding name and therefore peopled with strange and exotic characters. I understand that it is indecently beautiful up there. And wasn't there a big neo-Nazi community nearby at one time? I don't even have to run it through the Beastie Machine to know that its numerical value is somewhere near 666. Had the man moved to a more mundane locale-- say, Cleveland-- this whole unsavory incident could have been avoided.

Sometimes it's not about the numbers, it's about location, location, location.

Bottom line? It's something Catholics have known from the beginning, but Protestants frequently forget: Folks, don't try this at home. Leave it to the professionals, like me.

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Santeria priests go coconuts for Hillary, Obama

Where's the wall of separation of church and state when you need it?

First the Comisión de la Letra del Año, an important Santería association in Miami, predicted Barack Obama would win the New Hampshire primary. The prediction was based on a fable about a coconut. They interpreted the coconut's black exterior as meaning ''a black man will triumph,'' a reference to Obama's ascendancy.

But Armando Durán, a babalawo (Santería priest) and spiritual guide of the Cabildo de IFA, a different association of priests, disagreed. The full story, he explained, says the coconut was originally white both outside and in, and that what's important is that the coconut gave birth to a ''saint'' -- a Santería deity. Since only women can give birth, Durán claims the oracles pointed to victory by a woman, Hillary Clinton.

Duran also predicts Clinton will win the presidency in November with Barack Obama as vice president.

Whew! Had the fable been about other fruits instead of coconuts, Dennis Kucinech Kucinich might have won the primary.

(There was no mention of John Edwards, who acts as his own shaman).

(via Dallas Morning News Religion Blog)

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Madonna addicted to holy water?

Madonna's got a $10,000 a month water habit. A Kabbalah water habit.

We can imagine her at the 12-step meeting, "Hi, my name's Madonna, and I'm a Kabbalaguaholic." Apparently, she guzzles the $5-per-bottle, specially blessed Kabbalah water nonstop--"one of her fitness secrets."

There's some theology behind all this, as put forth at www.kabbalahwater.com. I hesitate to post it all, but it is inspiring.

Kabbalisitcally, water was there "In the beginning..."

["Kabbalisitcally?" Do spelling skills degrade with use of this water?]

"Originally, the primordial waters of the earth were free of any and all destructive or negative energies. There could be no drowning. There could be no floods or tidal waves. Water could only heal, nurture, and help. At the time of Noah's Flood, the negative consciousness of humanity had become so intense that even every element of the world was affected. It was then that the destructive potential of water came into being. The negativity of humanity brought about the dual nature of water that had never existed before. Since that time, water has been both creative and destructive, both healing and harmful.

"But the founding Kabbalah rabbis discovered that a truly sharing consciousness, channeled through certain Kabbalistic blessings could return water to its primordial state of completely positive, healing energy. Kabbalah Water came into being -- and its miraculous powers of restoration and healing became available to the world. Infused with sharing consciousness, Kabbalah Water manifests water's primordial capacity to heal and protect."

But how does this all happen, you might be thinking? Or were you dozing off?

The Scientific Evidence

"The Kabbalistic blessings... bring about elegant and balanced crystalline structures in water. ...The scientific findings regarding Kabbalah Water are fascinating and important [Indeed, we'd like to see some scientific findings]. But the essence and foundation of Kabbalah Water is the consciousness of sharing which infuses it. Once, all the waters of the world were imbued with this consciousness."

Troubled Waters

The Kabbalah Centre has come under criticism in the past for claiming their water could treat cancer. The centre responded that its water is a "spiritual tool" but would never be offered as an alternative to medical treatment.

"The Kabbalah water is undergoing scientific research at the moment, so I can't yet talk about the results," said Yael Yardeni, who teaches at the London Kabbalah Centre. That was in 2002. Presumably, research is still progressing.

Meanwhile, Madonna has urged the British government to use Kabbalah water to clean up radioactive waste.

Good for what ails you?

Back in 2001, under a program promoted by Katherine Harris, Florida’s former Secretary of State, a rabbi and a cardiologist worked with researchers to test “Celestial Drops” on canker-infested orange trees, according to the Orlando Sentinel. A state scientist declared that the “product is a hoax and not based on any credible science.” The product, it turned out, was merely water. Kabbalah water.

None of this bothers Madonna. She just keeps drinking her Kabbalah water, at home, working out, and during her concerts, too. A lot of Kabbalah water. Like, 25 cases of Kabbalah water.

We can only hope she slakes her thirst soon.

Intervention

But are we all guilty of codependency in this? Will it end with Madonna in a spiritual flophouse somewhere, bumming change on the street and hustling for her next bottle? Maybe her fans need to intervene, in a non-judgmental way of course. But remember--when actually confronting (sharing with) her, speak for yourself, using "I" language e.g., "I was hurt when ..., I was angry when ...," rather than saying, "What you did was awful." Such language raises the defenses and shuts down communication.

Here at Kabbal-Anon, we know that Kabbalah water addiction is neither a sin nor a crime. It's a disease. Madonna needs to know we love her, and just want her to get well.


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Science vs. Religion, Voodoo style

Jan. 10 is National Voodoo Day in Benin. Voodoo was declared the official religion in the former French colony in the mid-1990s.

Health professionals have noted the voodoo practice of sacrificing chickens -- sometimes by tearing out a bird's throat with their teeth or drinking its blood -- creates a major risk of contamination from bird flu. Two cases of the deadly H5N1 bird flu strain fatal to humans were reported there last month.

Street stalls selling roast chicken, a prized local staple, report a big drop in sales.

But it seems such concerns are a breach of faith.

"If you buy a chicken to sacrifice it to your God, he will not let you buy an infected bird," said Dah Aligbonon, a Voodoo priest from Abomey, the former capital of the ancient African kingdom of Dahomey. "We don't fear infection from bird flu ... because there is a divine power that accompanies our sacrifice," he added.

Oooookay, then, Rev. Aligbonon. Let the natural selection process begin.

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Do not go gentle into that World of Warcraft

A member of our Christian fellowship used to be heavily into Dungeons and Dragons. Our Bible study teacher challenged him to interject Jesus into the game and see how long He survived by turning the other cheek. Our friend got the point: we don't expect to "win" in this world. We love in spite of the expectation of suffering, persecution and possible death.

Now someone's had a similar idea. They're putting their character Noor the Pacifist into the universe of World of Warcraft.

A college student is attempting to level two "pacifist" characters up to the top of World of Warcraft's character progression, characters he's playing without attacking anything. It's partly to try out the philosophy of pacifism in the violent virtual world, and partly to see if he can do it.

We wish him luck. But I'd put my money on a poison-trained rogue-class Gladiator Draenei with mind-flaying skills instead.

In the words of Mark Twain: "Peace by persuasion has a pleasant sound, but I think we should not be able to work it. We should have to tame the human race first, and history seems to show that that cannot be done."

Virtual history is even clearer on the subject.

(via BoingBoing)


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There will be stupidity

My fellow blogger at The Door, John Bloom, tells about a Mother Jones article on groups that are prospecting for oil using scriptural "clues."

That reminded me I had some info on the subject that I never posted (so much malarkey, so little time):

Zion Oil & Gas, the company that's exploring for oil in Israel based on a scriptural promise, is in the news again.

The company's directors believe Deuteronomy 33:24 points to rich oil deposits.

Moses said, “Let Asher be blessed with children … and let him dip his foot in oil.” The tribe of Asher was located in a geographic location shaped like a foot and that the passage referenced to the northern region of the tribe of Manasseh. Also, Genesis 49:22-26 mentions “a well,” and “blessings of the deep that crouch beneath” that “shall be on the head of Joseph.” "Blessing of the deep” could be a reference to oil, and “the head of Joseph” refers to the head-like boundary of ancient Manasseh.

Got that? Many scholars would say "oil" refers to olive oil. But no matter.

What I found interesting was a disclaimer at the end of their most recent press release, which is so air tight I'm going to suggest we use it on everything we publish here at The Wittenburg Door.

Maybe it's just standard jargon, but it doesn't inspire confidence, and I don't really understand it. Do you?

FORWARD-LOOKING STATEMENTS: Statements in this press release that are not historical fact, including statements regarding the Zion's future operations, their timing, the potential results thereof and plans contingent thereon, are forward-looking statements as defined in the "Safe Harbor" provisions of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995. These forward-looking statements are based on assumptions that are subject to significant known and unknown risks, uncertainties and other unpredictable factors, many of which are described in Zion's periodic reports filed with the SEC and are beyond Zion's actual performance to differ materially from the results predicted by these forward-looking statements. Zion can give no assurance that the expectations reflected in these statements will prove to be correct and assumes no responsibility to update these statements.

If that's not oily, I don't know what is.


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'Taters reveal cruciform image!

A Houston woman and her husband have discovered what she says appears to be the image of a crucifix in a potato.

Well hush my puppies and call me crucifried.

Dawn Roth-Ehlinger and her husband were grilling hamburgers and frying potatoes for friends during a backyard cookout, when they noticed something odd while preparing the French fries.

As Dawn's husband sliced a potato, he says he saw a pattern reveal itself which appeared to be images of Christ and the crucifix in three different sections.

Ms. Roth-Ehlinger told a TV reporter they didn't eat the potato slices but disposed of them in her sink. "The disposal works great now," she added.

I don't know about you, but this kind of thing leaves me completely bespuddled. The miracle is, had they been making curly fries, the image would have remained unseen.


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Resolutions of the Televangelists 2008

In case you missed this on the www.wittenburgdoor.com website, the televangelists are straining to exercise some willpower this year:

• Pat Robertson: I will not make delusional predictions for the coming year unless at least one of my previous predictions at least partially came true. I will repeat this resolution to myself three times a day so I don't forget it.

• Joel Osteen: I resolve to frown at least 15 minutes each day so my smile will look genuine the rest of the time. But I will do it hanging upside down in my gravity boots so that the frown looks like a smile.

• Kenneth Copeland: This year I will speak into existence a world in which Sen. Grassley is a teensy-weensy bumblebee bat, one of the world's most endangered species. Then I will suck him into the engines of my $20 million Cessna Citation as I fly off to the Fiji islands.

• Benny Hinn: Whenever Jesus Christ appears to me visibly onstage, or when I hear his voice audibly as if he were standing right beside me, I will pinch myself, and then have one of my aides pinch me too. Then I will have another aide pinch that aide. And so on.

• Joyce Meyer: I will upgrade my $23,000 commode with a bidet, but switch to a lower grade of toilet paper. And each time I lambaste the concept of separation of church and state as being unconstitutional and "a deception from Satan," I will re-read the Constitution and place a call to the Evil One, just to check my facts.

• Creflo Dollar: I will repeat five times a day, "The decreasing value of U.S. currency this year does not reflect on my personal self-esteem." But I'll still keep tryin' to change my name to Creflo Krugerrand.

• Jan and Paul Crouch: We resolve to simplify our lifestyles away from reflecting the glittering Versailles of the "Sun King" Louis XVI to the more ecologically sensitive regal ostentation of Restoration England under Charles II. We will call this "going green."

• Hal Lindsey: I resolve to be even more confrontational about radical Islam in order to obscure the failure of my 37 years of end-time predictions and remind people that I still exist. Darn, I miss the Soviet Union!

• Rod Parsley: If I ever say "Man your battle stations! Ready your weapons! Lock and load--for the thirty, forty liberal pastors who filed against our ministry with the Internal Revenue Service" again, just shoot me.

• Randy and Paula White: We resolve to remember to pay for private jets we say we're going to purchase, instead of coughing up $112,000 in damages for cancelling the deal. And we resolve to place in our bio only those doctorates we actually earned, and to claim only doctorates at schools that actually exist. Oh, and we resolve to make sure there are no pesky lawyers around when we scam an old lady out of her life savings. Amen.

• Bishop Earl Paulk: I will fast from sex scandals the entire year. Instead I will promote my dominionist theology and the belief that Jesus will not return until the whole world has heard about me.

• Richard Roberts: I resolve to cancel my wife's cell phone contract, skip the annual home remodeling at university expense, return her red Mercedes convertible and white Lexus SUV, and see about the possibility of shredding the document-shredding machine. Oh yeah, and find a way to unplug the Unblinking Eye of Sauron from the ORU Prayer Tower and take it with me.

• John Hagee: I resolve to squeeze my corpulent, jiggling torso into a barrel and roll from San Antonio to the Holy Land to support the State of Israel. Who will join me?


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God as lifestyle conscierge

The online magazine Slate examines Houston megachurch preacher Joel Osteen and finds him lacking.

In the article "Pentecostalism for the Exurbs," Chris Lehmann is mystified by the kinds of things Osteen's God takes an interest in:

"Even many good, godly people have gotten into a bad habit of slumping and looking down," Osteen writes in his best-selling self-improvement tract Become a Better You. "[Y]ou need to put your shoulders back, hold your head up high, and communicate strength, determination, and confidence." After all, "We know we're representing Almighty God. Let's learn to walk tall."

Stand up straight... like God does?

And I sure didn't know that "If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be up on it."

Bottom line: Lehmann says Osteen "downgrades the divine image into the job description for a lifestyle concierge."


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The Year in Religion 2007

In case you missed this on the www.wittenburgdoor.com site, here's our rundown of the Year in Religion:


• Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light, a collection of the humanitarian's previously unpublished letters, revealed her to be a big ol' whiner.

• Evangelicals, embarrassed by their previous environmental insensitivity before recently becoming "green," turned a bright orange in 2007.

• First, Trinity Broadcasting Network became the new owner of the Holy Land Experience, a biblical theme park in Orlando, Fla. Then, the Creation Museum opened in Petersburg, Ky. Finally, faced with a "failure to communicate" from several televangelists, Sen. Charles Grassley made plans to open the Elmer Gantry Religious Work Camp based on the set from Cool Hand Luke. I bet you can't eat 50 eggs, Benny.

• The family of a woman who died from a snakebite during a religious service last year sued the Kentucky hospital that treated her because of disparaging remarks about her beliefs. Wait... she wasn't actually handling those serpents, was she? 'Cause that's crazy.

• Sixty-eight percent of Republicans polled said they doubt humans evolved from lower life forms over millions of years, although they find it easy to believe Democrats did.

• Twenty-five percent of Americans believed it was at least somewhat likely Jesus Christ would return in 2007, according to an Associated Press poll. They were wrong.

•International Fishing Ministries Association in British Columbia sponsors fishing excursions in place of worship services because, founder Ed Trainer says, “Church is too boring for men. Church is set up like a country club for women.”

• Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary added a homemaking class to its curriculum, which was criticized as an “absurd aberration.” But now the ladies have a lucrative deal to fry up the International Fishing Ministries' catch of the day. So who's absurd now?

• The film The Lost Tomb of Jesus presented evidence producers say could prove Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene and had a son. No evidence was presented that showed the Holy Family needed a homemaking class.

• The Vatican denied concealing the Fourth Secret of Fatima, which some claim contains the full truth about the end of the world. (Our guess: The apocalypse will not be preceded by a series of speculative books on eschatology involving secret "codes" and long-buried mysteries).

• The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints mounted a PR campaign to better explain what it means to be Mormon. While trying to deny they believe Jesus and Lucifer were brothers, they, uh, inadvertently admitted they did believe that.

• Spiritual website Beliefnet.com was bought by Rupert Murdoch. He promptly renamed it newscorpdirecmoneynet.com.

• Amway distributors lost a $19 million suit for spreading rumors about satanism at the Procter and Gamble Co. But we're still creeped out by that spooky P&G crescent-moon logo thingee.

• Theologians redoubled efforts to interpret the meaning of "Bong Hits 4 Jesus."

• The National Primitive Baptist Convention marked its centenniel by singing a capella, starting fires with flint shards and bringing down a wildebeest with a simple throwing stick.

• The Jordan River, revered by Jews, Christians and Muslims, was found to be so polluted that the World Monuments Fund designated it an “Endangered Cultural Heritage Site.” Rupert Murdoch then offered to buy it, clean it up and change its name to The NewscorpFoxDow Stream of Revenue Channel.

• A Barna survey found that America's ungrateful, complaining young people see Christians as being judgmental.

• A new animated version of The Ten Commandments featured a more compassionate Moses with the voice of Christian Slater, who turned out to be surprisingly skilled at rebuking graven images.

• Unitarians tried to raise their profile with a $425,000 ad campaign. Their slogan was “Find us, and ye shall seek.” Really.

• In Jezebel: The Untold Story of the Bible’s Harlot Queen, author Lesley Hazleton claimed Jezebel got a bad rap. Well, at least we know one thing about her-- she failed as the Dog Whisperer.

• Discount chain Wal-Mart test-marketed biblical action figures... and then hired them with no health benefits.

• Tony Blair converted to Catholicism in December. He's now known as the Pope's "poodle."

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