Uglyband: Zao's new look

Zao
Latest release: The Fear is What Keeps Us Here, Ferret Records
Website: www.zaoonline.com

This Christian "metalcore" band from Greensburg, Penn., has been around since 1993, so I was surprised I'd never heard of them. Their myspace page is scary, and as I looked around for a photo of the band, the song The Buzzing played in the background. It did indeed sound like the lead singer was ripping his throat out with a buzz saw. But that, I suppose, reflects the essence of the genre.

The only group photo I could find was the one on the cover of the latest CD (above). It is a stunningly evocative scene. The band members are draped in simple white sheets resembling the Muslim burqa. They surround a similar figure draped in black, obviously representing their agent at Ferret Records. The message remains obscure, but the depiction is remarkable.

The bold and dramatic unisex look this portrays represents a significant departure for a heavy metal group of any persuasion, but especially one with a Christian background. The clean, ethereal image is in contrast to the scalding sound of the music contained in the CD. Stylistically, the choice was perfect.

This could very well influence the look of Christian groups across the spectrum from pop to contemporary to gospel. Zao's identity-erasing metalcore burqa could go a long way in dispelling the impression that Christian musicians are mostly in it for their ego.

They might find it hard to play their instruments, though.

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Watch your mouth

Today's blasphemy round-up:
In England, a group called Christian Voice wants to bring a case against the director general of the BBC and the producer of the award-winning musical Jerry Springer--The Opera for blasphemous libel. The offense carries a maximum sentence of life imprisonment. They say the opera portrays Jesus as a "coprophiliac sexual deviant."

(They should take a few pointers from the real professionals. In Sudan, British primary school teacher Gillian Gibbons has been arrested for insulting Islam's Prophet by letting her class of 7-year-olds name a teddy bear Mohammad).


Future blasphemy round-up:
No one has charged David Heriot yet with blasphemy, but he plans to direct The Aquarian Gospel, a story of Jesus' missing years from ages 13 to 30. Heriot previously directed the self-help motivational documentary The Secret. [Now there's some actual blasphemy] The Aquarian Gospel will trace Jesus' journeys from Israel through India, Tibet, Persia, Greece and Egypt as he encounters people of all creeds, classes and faiths. Modern-day spiritual leaders will fill cameo roles, portraying prominent historical and religious figures that Jesus encountered.

In the same vein, German filmmaker Robert Sigl's The 13th Disciple will trace the journey of two German archaeologists looking for evidence that Jesus visited India. They find Jesus had an evil twin brother who is reincarnated in the present as the scheming head of a religious sect.

Heriot's plans seem most troubling to me. Will he cast Benny Hinn as Zaccheus? The Dalai Lama as his own previous incarnation? I don't know... Just don't let Shirley MacLaine play Mary Magdelene. That would be a crime.

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Amazing: With reform like this, who needs oppression?

A 19-year-old woman in Saudi Arabia was gang raped by seven men in 2006. This month, a court sentenced the men to prison terms of two and nine years. Then, the judges sentenced the woman to receive 200 lashes and six months in prison for "being alone with an unrelated man." Then her lawyer was taken off the case and disciplined for talking to the media. And this is all after King Abdullah INITIATED AN OVERHAUL OF THE JUDICIAL SYSTEM.

Via Dolorosa in Dongguan
Crucifixes thought to be mass produced in Italy turn out to be made in sweatshops in China, where the girls work 15-hour days, seven days a week for 26 cents an hour with no time off. The women live in filthy dorms and are fed a watery slop, according to a report by the National Labor Committee. New York churches where the crucifixes are sold have removed them from their gift shops. The crosses have been exhibited at an annual trade show organized by the Association for Christian Retail, a Colorado-based trade association that works with thousands of religious stores across the country.
Apparently the Chinese are moving the crucifix from it's modern use as an item of devotional interior design back to it's original purpose as an instrument of torture and shame.

'The (other) nations are as a drop in a bucket'
After massive new oil reserves were discovered off the coast of Brazil, Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva announced that the discovery proves "God is Brazilian." This should not be surprising, because Brazilians have long claimed on the basis of their rich natural resources that God shares their nationality.
Luckily for the rest of us, dual citizenship has been permitted in Brazil without restriction since 1994.

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Bury a statue, sell your home!

With foreclosures increasing, and the housing market stalled, some people have rediscovered an old Catholic tradition-- burying a statue of St. Joseph on property you want to sell. For $9.95 you can get a 4-inch statue of Joseph, the husband of Mary and the patron saint of home and family, and a kit that explains the history and proper orientation of the statue, a "Protective Plastic Burial Bag," instructions on where to bury it, etc.

St. Jo becomes your virtual "underground real estate agent." You don't even have to be Catholic.

One apocryphal story tells how someone threw the statue in the trash, and the next week the town dump was sold. Gosh!

But homeowners need to exhibit caution about which statues they bury.

--Let's say I bury a statue of John Calvin. If the house doesn't sell, was it probably predestined not to?

--If I bury a statue of Jan Hus in my yard, will my house burst into flames?

--If I bury a statue of Jimmy Carter, will Habitat for Humanity arrive to build me a new garage?

--If I bury a statue of Korah— the guy who rebelled against Moses and was destroyed when the earth opened up and swallowed him and his followers (Numbers 16)— will my yard turn into a big bottomless gravel pit?

Even more unexpected problems can arise by burying statues of The Buddha, Stalin and Vaclav Havel.

All in all, it's best to leave these kinds of things to experienced professionals.


We've covered this before, but thanks to Metafilter for the latest version.

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Cult goes off its medication

At least 30 members of a Russian doomsday cult have barricaded themselves in a remote cave to await the end of the world and are threatening to commit suicide if police intervene.

According to a report by Reuters, they are hidden inside a snow-covered hillside in the Penza region of central Russia. The group--which includes four children-- believes the world will end sometime in May next year.

Their 43-year-old leader, Pyotr Kuznetsov, has been sleeping in a coffin for the last few months and did not join them in the cave. Authorities say he has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Police took Kuznetsov to the cave to persuade his followers to come out but without success.

(This, of course, is not a funny situation. But wouldn't a bunker-busting canister of Wellbutrin be in order here?)

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The Master's Four Hour Work Week

The speaker --touted in the media as the trendiest motivational life coach of the moment-- sat cross-legged before his disciples as they waited to catch his first words. This was supposed to be a seminar on time management and life changing insight into the quality of living. There were all kinds of people here too-- sales executives, ministers, politicians, CEOs and even some "creative" types and people off the street.

But why were we all sitting on the ground?

Someone whispered that the guy had taken all the management and how-to knowledge of the past 1,500 years (and possibly of the future, too, if you buy into the spiritual stuff) and distilled it into a few succinct statements that could rearrange your priorities forever. If he wanted us to sit on the ground, that was fine.

The speaker lifted his hand and the buzzing died down.

"Point No. 1," said the speaker, gazing at his audience. "Swear not."

There was silence for a full 30 seconds.

What the ... is that it? I hate these 'zen' kind of things speakers do.

A hand went up. "What do you mean by swearing? " asked an earnest-looking minister.

"I mean, don't promise anything, and you'll never disappoint or be disappointed. Let your yea be yea and leave it at that. Never have a goal. People will understand--in fact they'll thank you for it, they'll be free of expectations, so will you, and everybody will get more done."

There was some nodding, but it was clear no one was really getting it.

"Point No. 2. Don't lay up treasures here on earth."

There was furious whispering among the group. A man in a blue sports jacket raised his hand.

"I'm pretty sure that would wreck the economy. I mean, the banking industry would crumble and we'd be in a Depression for sure. Maybe if you elaborated a little..."

"Point No. 3. Take no thought for your life."

Now there was real buzzing. One elderly gentleman got to his feet and walked away. Finally someone asked, "If we took no thought for our lives, we'd probably never even come to a seminar like this."

"Now you're getting the idea," the speaker said. "Which brings us to point No. 4. Love your enemies."

The tension seemed to break and the crowd relaxed. Surely he was joking. Maybe this whole meeting was some kind of reality TV show set-up. A few started looking around for the cameras.

A harried looking woman executive motioned to speak.

"Sir, I'm sorry, but we expected some direction in how to live. Like... maybe you could evaluate our "lifestyle quotient." I actually brought some notes on what my dream lifestyle might be. Aren't you going to explain about how we need to take a mini-retirement and outsource our lives?"

"Actually, that was going to be my final teaching today. Point No. 5. Die to yourself."

The effect was as if he had adjourned the meeting. Several people got up and left. One rich young man protested: "Come on, that's not a mini-vacation, that's a permanent vacation... forever. You can't be serious."

"As a heart attack," the Master deadpanned.

As the space around him emptied, a bird landed on the tree branch to his left. He smiled and thought to himself, "A prophet has no honor in his own country. Must be time to move on."

Warren is 2007 'Sexiest Preacher Alive'

The Wittenburg Door has released its choice for 2007 Sexiest Preacher Alive, and it's Rick Warren, the 50-something, seeker-friendly love god of evangelicalism.

[Renowned British pulpiteer Charles Haddon Spurgeon was actually The Door's first choice, but, although sexy and a preacher, Spurgeon failed to meet the "alive" requirement. Plus, he has over-the-top facial hair.]

The Door contest goes one step beyond People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive poll by factoring in proficiency in Greek and Hebrew along with raw animal magnetism.

A Closet Clothes Horse

Don't let Rick Warren's disheveled Hawaiian shirt and receding hairline fool you. Although he says his idea of fashion is wearing "clothes that don't itch," Warren is a style-conscious clothes horse in his off hours. He can often be seen dressed to the nines, dazzling the ladies all over Saddleback Valley and on any Thursday night at the Cheesecake Factory in Mission Viejo. (He gets most of his fine Giorgio Armani suits at the Saks Fifth Avenue over at The Shops, we hear. Never wears 'em to church, though).

Christianity Today once said Warren has a "shapeless, middle-aged body." But that was back in 2003. He's been working out since then. Really.

The Hermeneutical Hunk

For a while this hermeneutical hunk had that spiked hair thing going, which the ladies love. It also helps that, as The Boston Globe reported, he's "a hugger, embracing even the most casual of acquaintances." Touchy-feely definitely raises a preacher's hotness quotient. (Although too much touchy-feely can raise his police mug-shot quotient).

Warren's post-modern, emergent, smoldering sensuality seems almost purposely driven. Staying on top of the latest youth trends is one way he keeps his mojo going. Like when he had his quotes all over the Starbucks cups. Brilliant.

omg lol xoxo j/k

And Warren was the first to jump on the Christian ringtone/ wallpaper franchise, bringing faith-based content to cell phones, something no one had realized they needed before. It started a revolution of Kuhnian proportians. Now when thousands of Christian young women pull out their i-Phones, their hearts go pitter-pat to see Rick behind their waiting text messages.

Power is sexy. So having dreamboat and political heavyweight Barak Obama join him in the pulpit last year only added to the megachurch pastor's charismatic appeal.

We all know preaching sexual abstinence can certainly make hearts grow fonder--all that talk about self restraint naturally increases the libido. But if --in addition--you've received a clean bill of health for sexual disease, well...the ladies are all over you like a rash. Let us explain....

Ricks' Hottest Moment

Ricks' Hottest Moment was being tested for AIDS. Back in December 2005, during Saddleback Church’s "Disturbing Voices" HIV/AIDS conference, Rick Warren underwent testing for the HIV virus (see top photo). Though Warren claimed he had never engaged in at-risk behaviors like marital infidelity or drug use, tension built during the 20-minute wait for the results. It was negative, and wife Kay was ecstatic: “That deserves a kiss.”

Smokin'! Oh, be still my fluttering heart! Rick Warren--Sexiest Preacher Alive, hands down. Need we say more?

UPDATE: Hillary Clinton has confirmed she'll attend Warren's Global Summit on AIDS, Nov. 17-Dec. 1 at his church. Told ya he was hot.

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