Forget about political gaffes, missteps and the fickleness of the polls. We can all relax. The election's already decided.
Zodiac vodka has determined America's next president by comparing the astrological signs of past election winners.
(The zodiacal "signs" link people's birth dates to star "constellations" that many claim can be seen out in the country, in the desert or from the deck of a cruise ship. Good Christians are already in bed by that time, anyway, so I wouldn't know.)
FYI-- It's Obama. The company's press release [slightly suspect because it was released April 1] was triumphant:
"ZODIAC Vodka, a luxury potato vodka handcrafted and distilled in Idaho, USA, has concluded that the Leo Barack Obama, will defeat the Scorpio Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination, as well as the Virgo John McCain in the general election.Uh, hey, watch it! ... I'm a Scorpio, that is if you don't take into account Ophiucus, in whose sign the sun actually sits on my birthday. (I've never seen that adequately explained, but never mind).
"ZODIAC researched every major presidential contestant since Washington and Adams in 1789. Statistics were compiled for each of the twelve zodiac signs. The Leo/Scorpio match up in the Democratic Party heavily favors Obama. Leos have a 12-point advantage in the win percentage category, with Scorpio at 24 percent and Leo at 36 percent. Leo has never lost to a Scorpio. Scorpio, however, has lost to 11 of the 12 signs and has the greatest number of election losses, 16."
Zodiac’s methodology accurately predicted in January that John McCain would be the Republican nominee, so there you have it.
All the more reason for us to get back to calculating more important things, like the spiritual Sons of Belial lurking behind the Number of the Beast.
Come to think of it, Idaho is the last place anyone would think of finding the Antichrist. Or vodka, for that matter.
Hmm.
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1 comment:
Well, that's a profound relief. I was starting to worry about Obama's "clinging to guns and religion" gaffe, but apparently this election is in the bag.
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