Beastie: Exchange change dange-erous

The town of Reeves, La., announced that the 40-year-long stigma of having a 666 telephone exchange is ending.

The town is getting a new exchange, one without the unsavory reference to the Beast in the Book of Revelation. Residents and businesses can now change the first three digits of their phone numbers from 666 to 749.

"This is a good town. ... We're good Christian people," explained Mayor Scott Walker.

I suppose we should all be happy for the town. Who knows what might have happened if that phone exchange had remained 666? Remember what happened to Bedford Falls in It's a Wonderful Life? It became Pottersville, a town given over to it's own worst impulses, dragged down by vice, crime, corruption and unsecured sub-prime adjustable-rate mortgages.


But I fear that the townsfolk could be jumping out of the frying pan and into the infernal flames. Shouldn't they have examined this new number first? Done a little digging into its background?

As a specialist in numerical matters, I decided to do it for them.

After drinking the last of the eggnog and putting away the tinsel--tinsel can wreck highly sensitive eschatological detecting equipment-- I wheeled the Beastie Machine out of its cupboard, where I had stashed it for the holidays.

The problem as clear. The number 749 is immediately suspect because the last two digits are the square of the first. It has several liminal associations. Apple is selling the iphone in France for 749 Euros, for instance. And from other sources I knew that John of Damascus died in the year 749 A. D. He was a defender of the veneration of images and icons, a master of theology, music, philosophy, astronomy and mathematics.

Gosh, 749 veritably teems with hidden meanings.

I typed in the numerals 7-4-9 and hit the red "go" button.

The result? The Hebrew letters tet, mim and nun have the numerical value 9 + 40 + 700 = 749. The Hebrew word means "hidden." Hmm. This was going to be harder than I thought.

I tried a different approach. Who are some known Antichrist suspects and their numerological equivalents?

Immediately Bill Clinton came to mind. "William Clinton" calculates to 749 with no vowel variation. Easy.

And, hey! Line 749 in Book Six of Milton's Paradise Lost begins a description of the Chariot of Christ in the War in Heaven between God and Lucifer and his rebellious angels. We were getting closer.

But five hours later, neither the Beastie Machine nor I could put the clues together into a coherent whole.

In these trying moments, I try to find the courage to laugh in the face of despair, to sneer at catastrophe.

When I did, a word came to mind: "Dragonball." Of course.

Year 749 A.D. in the Dragonball game timeline records that "Son Goku defeats Yamcha. Muten Roshi uses the Kamehameha ("Turtle Destruction Wave") to put out the flames on Fryingpan Mountain."

The flames of Fryingpan Mountain?

My advice to the township of Reeves, La. -- find another number. It may be that by jumping out of the fire, you're actually heading right back into that frying pan.


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Punch drunk love in Bethlehem

I had a premonition of this a few days ago when I noticed CNN had mislabeled Bethlehem's Manger Square as Manger "Scare." Hmm.

In a microcosm of everything that's gone wrong in the history of the Christian church, two sects came to blows at the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem today.

It seems the Greek Orthodox and Armenian Apostolic priests were cleaning the church in preparation for the Eastern rite observance of the birth of the Prince of Peace the first week in January.

The dispute started when the Greek Orthodox contingent wanted to place a ladder over the Armenian portion. (I know that always ticks me off). Four people were wounded in the fray.

This is a mere shoving match compared to the annual brawls over at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem. In 2004, Greek and Russian Orthodox believers took offence at a door left open by members of the Franciscan order during a service. Five were injured then.

In 2002, monks from the Ethiopian Orthodox Church and the Coptic Church of Egypt--two groups which for years have been vying for control of the Jerusalem church's roof --fought over the position of a chair on the roof.

According to the BBC article, to prevent squabbling, two Muslim families have had guardianship of the key to the only entrance to the Church of the Holy Sepulchre since 1178, when they were entrusted with it by the Muslim ruler Saladin.

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Casualty in the war on Christmas?

South Church Unitarian Universalist Church in Portsmouth, N. H., had to give up its Christmas trees when someone turned in the church for apparently violating the fire code, which prohibits trees at all places of assembly.

The congregation got as riled up as it's possible for Unitarians to be.

They decided on a ceremony to “reflect on the symbolism of the trees, thank them for gracing our sanctuary for the brief time they were up, and say good-bye to them in ritual.”

There was no report on how the trees felt about that.

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Peace on Earth...

For the day after Christmas, here's Peace on Earth, a 1939 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer cartoon short subject directed by Hugh Harman about a post-apocalyptic world populated by animals.

Not exactly Planet of the Squirrels, but close. It's beautiful, creepy and sad as the animals follow the biblical command to "rebuild the waste places" from human helmets and shell casings.

It was remade in 1955, this time with jets, flamethrowers and rockets, mice instead of squirrels, and the atomic bomb instead of gas warfare.

And so it goes.

(Via Metaflter)

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Hasta La Vista, Baby Jesus

The Greatest Action Story Ever Told, a parody skit from MadTV that blends the life of Christ with Arnold Schwarzenegger's Terminator plot, aired Dec. 14, 1996, on MadTV. It manages to retain the integrity of the gospel story. And, it still rocks. It actually contains more pathos and beautiful cinematography than last year's The Nativity Story. (OK, I actually never saw that one, but I'm guessing...)

Have a merry, merry Christmas.

Oy to the World!

Composer, arranger, and non-stop serial music maker Paul Libman has scored thousands of commercials and composed for the musical theater. He wrote the annoying theme song for Jim Nayder's NPR mainstay, The Annoying Music Show.

Now he's created ex nihilo a band called The Klezmonauts to merge Christmas music and the Klezmer sound of Jewish tradition in an album of Klezmer Carols.

The album contains 10 songs —nine "traditional" tunes and one original work called Santa, Gey Gesunder Heit (Go in Good Health).

Listen to The Klezmonauts' version of Jingle Bells.

And here are more samples from the album.

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Last minute Christmas junk

You've got the tree, the lights, the ornaments, the stockings, the kid's toys, the spouse's present, Santa's cookies and hot chocolate, the special mulled wine recipe, the wood for the fireplace and Bing Crosby on the cd changer. Hmm. What's missing?

Maybe the lifesize Inflatible Nativity Scene. (Only $82)

Over at healyourchurchwebsite.com they do this annual "Twelve Days of Jesus Junk" that can really jog your memory. And disturb your sense of spiritual equilibrium.

I remembered I needed some Jesus pencil toppers as stocking stuffers. And the lifelike Jesus nativity doll was so cute I just couldn't pass it up.

Now, what's the reason for the season again? I forgot.


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Protesters picket 'Living Negativity Scene'

About 20 protesters were on hand as Calvary Free Church members set up their Christmas "Living Negativity Scene" on the church lawn. Pastor Olney Shawshank said the display will focus on the materialism of the season, with scenes of office party debauchery, crass commercialism and overly indulgent spending on gifts to the detriment of aid to the poor and hungry.

Members took their places, some dressed in holiday finery, others as homeless bums or neglected losers spending Christmas alone and forgotten.

The church's neighbors were not impressed. "This makes a mockery of what Christmas is all about," said Sam Stevens, who held a sign that said "Put Christ back in Christmas... Now!"

"How do you expect me and my family to enjoy our holiday when we look out our windows and see them dressed as bums in the gutter? Or look, there's a woman dressed as a drunken call girl," Stevens said. "You can't even see the manger back in the stable."

Pastor Shawshank insists this is the best way to honor Christ.

"Last year they complained about the live camels defecating all over the street," he said, shaking his head. "I'm not sure we'll ever come up with a depiction of the meaning of the incarnation that will satisfy everybody."

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Punk Rock Hanukkah Song

Hanukkah is over, we know that.

But Aussie punk pranksters Yidcore produced this parody of Adam Sandler's "Hanukkah Song" and we thought you needed to see it. Paper cut-out inmates bust out of prison and sing the praise of famous Jewish punks like Richard Hell, Mick Jones and Joey Ramone. Santa makes an appearance, and there's a walk on by Charleton Heston in a famous role.

The whole thing is rather two-dimensional. But completely crazy.

(Thanks to Heebmagazine.com )


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Oy Vey in a Manger

Here's our vote for worst holiday event. A creepy, demented evening of fun with The Kinsey Sicks.

The Kinsey Sicks take their Sickrilegious songs to the left coast. The show includes such wholesome favorites as, "God Bless Ye Femmy Lesbians," "A Lay in a Manger," "Soylent Night," as well as "I Had a Little Facial" to the tune of "I Had a Little Dreidel," "Jews Better Watch Out," "Macaroona" and "Papirossen."

Remaining dates: Fri., Dec. 21: Seattle: Triple Door, 216 Union Street.
Sat., December 22: San Francisco: Herbst Theatre, 401 Van Ness Avenue.

You can even order The Kinsey's first DVD, The Kinsey Sicks: I Wanna Be a Republican as a stocking stuffer.

Thanks to Jewcy.com for alerting us.

Nerd's Nativity Scene

What would happen if three gaming geeks had visited the Babe in Bethlehem instead of the Three Wise Men?

This animated youtube video clip depicting a World of Geekcraft nativity play will give you a clue. IM IN UR MANGER KILLING UR SAVIOR is Live Action Role Playing at its most historically inaccurate. It's from the animation website For Tax Reasons.

Of course, there's also a super nerdy response to the clip pointing out arcane game playing mistakes.

I seriously doubt if any of these folks will have a merry Christmas


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Academic adventures at Regent U.

If you're considering a career in psychological counseling, you might want to avoid Pat Robertson's Regent University. It's lost that touchy-feely feeling.

Five of the 11 full-time professors in the master’s degree counseling program of the School of Psychology and Counseling resigned, complaining of "a culture of academic insensitivity" at the school. Students were left puzzled and angry.

Robertson, who started the university in 1978, isn't directly mixed up in this controversy. But it's curious that God didn't warn him it was coming.

Combined with the turmoil at Oral Roberts University, we're thinking that these "prosperity gospel" ministries might not be cut out for providing a challenging intellectual environment for the nation's young people. They might not even be cut out for home schooling their own kids in their lavish living rooms.

In fact, it might be best if they just put on a Veggie Tales DVD and quietly left the room.

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A match made near the upper levels of the Inferno

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Virgins need not apply

In an attempt to rehabilitate the reputation of innkeepers everywhere after that troublesome Bethlehem incident, hotel chain Travelodge is offering couples named Joseph and Mary free accommodation this Christmas, if you're in Britain, Ireland and Spain.

Travelodge operations director Jason Cotta said the chain has "decided to evoke the true spirit of Christmas and invite Mary and Joseph couples as our guests."

"The phrase 'no room at the inn' is something that resonates with us in the hotel business."

How's that phrase "crass commercialism" resonating?

The offer runs between Christmas Eve and Twelfth Night (Jan. 5, 2008).

Oh, um, this is for MARRIED couples. (And, for the record, a couple named Joseph and Maury would be completely ineligible),

No need to be pregnant, though.


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Get Ready for Darden and the 'Spirit Wail'

Wittenburg Door Senior Editor Robert Darden is scheduled to be on NPR's Fresh Air with Terri Gross Tuesday, Dec. 18 THURSDAY Dec. 20 (times will vary in individual markets).

We assume she'll ask him about his book People Get Ready! A New History of Black Gospel Music. We assume she won't ask him about his tenure as editor of The World's Pretty Much Only Religious Satire Magazine. But we can still dream.

Bob was super excited when he told us about all this: "We're taping tomorrow morning. I've pulled 10-15 of my favorite 'lost' songs from the Black Gospel Music Restoration Project, including an eerie 20-second "spirit wail" from Little Richard, to play and discuss!"

Darden is a former gospel music editor for Billboard magazine and is currently on the journalism faculty at Baylor University. And he plays the drums. Tune in! Listen to the podcast!

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Catholics lose priceless relic... again

Darn! Heeb magazine scooped us on this: The foreskin of Christ is missing!

"The prepuce had supposedly been kept above the altar of a church in Calcata, Italy, for over four centuries, only appearing in public once a year for the Feast of the Holy Circumcision. No one has actually seen the holy hood since 1983 (when it was stolen from a shoebox kept in the back of the parish priest’s wardrobe)."

Several foreskins have popped up throughout history. In 1856, a workman repairing the Abbey of Charroux claimed to have found a reliquary hidden inside a wall, containing another Holy Foreskin the abbey had claimed since the 12th century, but had lost.

(It's always getting lost! Can't anybody keep their hands on the foreskin?)

This led to a heated controversy over which was the legitimate relic. In 1900, the Church solved the dilemma by ruling that anyone writing or speaking of the Holy Prepuce would be excommunicated. In 1954, after much debate, the punishment was changed to the harsher degree of excommunication, vitandi (shunned).

(No penalty was prescribed, however, for blogging about the Holy Foreskin, thank goodness).

The Second Vatican Council later removed the Day of the Holy Circumcision from the Latin church calendar.

That's not where the story ends. Heeb remarks, "It's a comfort to note that the foreskin of the Antichrist is still preserved in a secure location."

Yes, Marilyn Manson's foreskin is for sale.

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Beastie: Moviegoers beware!

Danger is looming for Christian moviegoers this Christmas season. A fantasy film teeming with talking animals and impressive special effects has exploded in controversy because of its hidden, anti-christian agenda.

No, I'm not talking about The Golden Compass. That's child's play. The urgent menace facing us is Alvin and the Chipmunks.

The movie opens Dec. 14, but the Chipmunks phenomenon started back in 1958. Does anyone notice this coincides with the beginning of the '60s, a time of unparalleled debauchery in America?

The Chipmunks' creator Ross Bagdasarian was a songwriter at the end of his rope. With $200 left to his name, he purchased a reel-to-reel tape recorder for $190. (It's at this point we speculate he made the Faustian deal with Old Scratch that catapulted him to fame).

Using the tape recorder to stretch and distort the natural sound of the human voice, he put together a hit song called The Witch Doctor.

I hope you're starting to sense the gravity of the situation. Even after 50 years, I still can't get the song out of my mind. That's why I know it's of the Evil One.

"Ooo eee, ooo ah ah, ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang"

Bagdasarian—that's a scary, foreign-sounding name, isn't it?— claims the words came to him when he remembered an uncle who moved to Washington State (walla walla) and he "topped it off with a resounding 'bing bang.' "

Fat chance. These lyrics obviously emanate from the darkest pits of a sulphur-choked hell.

The Chipmunks-- also singing in the same weird, distorted singsong pitch-- eventually recorded The Witch Doctor song, along with their holiday classic, The Christmas Song.

"Christmas, Christmas time is near
Time for toys and time for cheer.
We've been good but we can't last,
Hurry Christmas, hurry fast!"

This advertisement for discontent and giving in to temptation went on to be a Grammy-award-winning smash hit. Bagdasarian later provided the voice for the David Seville character in the Chipmunks' 1961 animated television series The Alvin Show.

I dropped an mp3 recording of The Witch Doctor song into the Beastie Machine. Using a powerful Bose soundwave acoustical displacement grinder, I was able to separate the plane waves just as Newton's Second Law prescribes.

The specific acoustic impedance wasn't right, so I gave it a kick. The machine whirred back into action. The phase velocity c = ω/k, ω = 2πf and k = 2π/λ hit me like a brick! Slowed down to normal speed, the Chipmunk voices emitted a rumbling moan suggestive of demons in severe gastrointestinal distress. How could we have been so naive! At 1000 Hz, the wavelength is 33.3 cm, and the wave number is k = 0.1887 cm-1, so I knew just what to do next. Adjusting the machine, I typed in the lyrics of The Witch Doctor chorus.

"Ooo eee,ooo ah ah ting tang Walla walla, bing bang" totaled only 396, short of the terrible Number of the Beast, 666. "Alvin and the Chipmunks" missed the mark at 775.

Was I mistaken? Should I have been looking elsewhere for the AntiChrist? The Beastie Machine was close to requiring a 50,000-mile tune-up.

Then, with my ears still ringing from the abominable Chipmunk harmonies, it came to me. (The Dark Lord is clever, I'll give him that).

The two names "Alvin" and "Bagdasarian," when fed into the maw of the Beastie Machine's gematria calculator, totalled 665. Throw in a half-point for the space between the names and it's close enough for all good Christians to boycott this holiday Hollywood travesty.


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Apokalipecac

With CNN reporting shocking stories of female students posting falling-down-drunk photos of themselves on Facebook, it may come as a surprise to find similar practices among the ancient Mayans, but for different reasons. I think.

Archaeologists discovered an intricately carved 1,400-year-old "death vase" along with parts of a human skeleton while excavating a small Mayan "palace" in northwestern Honduras.

The vase offers a window onto rituals of ancestor worship that included food offerings, chocolate enemas, and hallucinations induced by vomiting, experts say.

"The way to have contact, to communicate, with ancestors is to have visions," said Christian Wells, an anthropologist at the University of South Florida

"And you have a vision either by cutting yourself and bloodletting—which there's really no evidence for in this case—or by having some very powerful chocolate enema, or by drinking your brains out and throwing up."

"We think this beverage [in the vase] may have contained ipecac, which would have made the person who's drinking it throw up—a lot. Then, by throwing up a lot, they could've had visions that would have allowed them to talk with the ancestors."

OK. In college, whenever I drank my brains out until vomiting, I often talked with God. And several times with the police.

But it's the chocolate enema that caught my attention. No doubt a photo of that will appear on Facebook soon, too. Can't wait.

Of course we need to keep our perspective here. Wasn't it an old Mayan parable that said, "The enema of my enema is my friend?"


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WikiPopeia

A Vatican has announced that this year's Christmas message to the world's faithful from Pope Benedict XVI will be released in a novel new format.

"Pope Benedict's URBI ET ORBI* message will be published in the form of a wiki," a spokespriest said. "From now on, Papal encyclicals will be collaborative."

"A wiki is a collection of collaborative hypertext or 'web' pages that can be edited by a group. Wiki wiki means 'rapidly' in the Hawaiian language, and we hope this quickly moves the Roman Catholic Church to the front of the technology wave."

A wiki site allows anyone to edit, delete, link or modify the content on the web. Wikis have been used extensively by technology innovators to quickly move projects forward to completion.

"His Holiness thinks this breakthrough could silence centuries of criticism about the Catholic church's authoritarian structure, bring a breath of fresh air into the Vatican and-- as an incidental side benefit --confer Papal infallibility on everyone... at least those with Internet access."

Visit Pope Benedict's wiki at vaticanwiki.wikispaces.com/

A sample wiki of the encyclical from last year has been provided to give the faithful some practice in expressing their views. Go ahead -- indulge yourself. Ex Cathedra.

*(Urbi et Orbi, literally "to the City [of Rome] and to the World," was a standard opening of Roman proclamations. The term is now used to denote the papal addresses at Christmas and Easter).

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Cheeses, Christ and politics

Tired of hearing about the Evangelical voting block? Wish the Religious Right and Mitt Romney would just go away? Got a Mike Huckabee overload?

If churches really want to influence government, they should forget about registering voters and pushing candidates, return to simpler times and follow the lead of John Leland.

This eccentric Baptist preacher and champion of separation of church and state was so pleased when Thomas Jefferson was elected president that he persuaded the ladies of his Baptist congregation in Cheshire, Mass., to manufacture an enormous cheese as a gift. He intended to present it to President Jefferson in honor of his republicanism and his support of religious liberty.

The motto "Rebellion to tyrants is obedience to God" was engraved into the rind. This was a smart public relations move in 1801.

The completed cheese wheel was enormous--4 feet 4 1/2 inches in diameter, 15 inches thick and weighing 1,235 pounds. It required the milk of 900 cows. Jefferson's Federalist opponents thought the display was ludicrous and ridiculed the gift in the press.

As reflected in a poem inspired by the occasion, Leland offered a prayer:

"Elder J. with lifted eyes
In musing posture stood,
Invoked a blessing from the skies
To save from vermin, mites and flies,
And keep the bounty good."
(From The Complete Book of Cheese, by Robert Carlton Brown)

(Apparently leaders like to eat cheese. This started a tradition. Andrew Jackson and his fellow party guests finished off a similarly sized cheese in two hours. Martin Van Buren got a giant cheese, too. Queen Victoria received a 1,400-pound cheese as a bridal gift.)

Jefferson, for ethical reasons, insisted on paying $200 for the cheese when it arrived Dec. 29, 1801. He thanked Leland and the ladies for their "token to the great cause of equal rights to all men" and a proof of their "domestic arts, which contribute so much to our daily comfort."

The domestic arts! If that other Baptist— Paige Patterson— is looking for vindication for his new cadre of Baptist Homemakers at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, this could be it. A project like this could consume several semesters, and greatly advance the .... well, it would be tasty, anyway.

(Some of this via Metafilter)

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The Door: Oprah's Favorite!

There are many ways for a religious satire magazine to get media "play" and increase subscriptions.

We could, for instance, take a hostage. Or hit Barack Obama in the face with a pie. But these would be wrong. At least the first one.

When producing a top-notch collection of hard-hitting interviews, hilarious cartoons and disarmingly clever satire just doesn't work, a publication starts to thrash around for a quick fix.

So we've decided to try to get on Oprah's Favorites List. This is the monthly list of Oprah's "favorite things." Oprah-recommended books become best sellers. The "O" factor will put your sales through the roof, they say. In December her list included the Cuisinart Mixer, Lobz Ear-Warming Headphones and lots of other things, like fresh fruit.

Fresh fruit?

WHO IT'S FOR: Your favorite nephew, who just rented his first apartment in the big city.

WHY HE'LL LOVE IT: Whenever his monthly box of succulent organic fruit arrives, he'll remember that someone back home loves him. Plus, he can honestly tell his mom he's eating well.

If "fresh fruit" can make it onto Oprah's Favorite's List, then so can we. We want to be Oprah's Favorite Religious Satire Magazine.

First we sent Becky Garrison out to the Crystal Cathedral to glean Robert Schuller's best positive thinking bromides. We wrote them down and put them under our pillow. Then we sent a $25 vow of faith to Robert Tilton with a special secret prayer we hope he prays over. But that's pretty doubtful. Next we e-mailed our buddy The Amazing Randi in hopes he knows a cool bit of prestidigitation that could insert our name at the top of the Oprah pile. He has yet to respond.

All we can do now is wait... in our Oprah-endorsed Penguin Slipper Boots, "traditional European slipper boots of comfy boiled wool, delightfully transformed into a menagerie of whimsical designs. From Germany."

Check back in a few weeks.

Oh, and that whole Barack Obama pie-in-the-face thing I said earlier? Forget it. Oprah's campaigning for him now. (Whew, that was close).


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Uglyband: Red's shadow of doubt

Red
Latest release: End of Silence, Deluxe Edition, Essential Records
Website: www.redmusiconline.com

Red is a Grammy-nominated Christian rock band along the lines of Linkin Park. Music reviewers say they have an emotional, intense and "crunchy" sound, whatever that is. (Sounded swell on their Myspace page, anyway).

They bounce around on stage in nice black t-shirts, for the most part, perfectly appropriate for a band mimicking the top rock bands of the hour.

I'm concerned, though, about lead singer Mike Barnes. His head is shaved. Fine. But I've never seen heavier eye shadow in my life. Well, maybe on Jan Crouch.

Please, Mike, review this video on How to Apply Eye Shadow from the eHow folks:

Step One-- Prime the eyelids by dusting them with a small amount of loose powder.

Step Two-- Select a light base shadow. Using a shadow brush, sweep it across your entire lid, from brow to lash line.

Step Three-- Use a medium-toned shade to cover your lower lids.

Etc, etc.

I promise it will make a big difference. A more natural look will improve your stage presence, and the little flakes of cosmetics won't scatter on your bandmates when you deliver that trademark scream.

You can thank me later.

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Holy flapjacks, kabbalistic beasties

I'm not sure if this is good news or bad.

Dana O'Kane of Port St. Lucie, Fla., was about to sprinkle some chocolate powder on a pancake when she noticed an outline of Jesus and Mary. Her daughter said she thought the image looked more like a Bedouin and Santa Claus. Deciding to sell the holy flapjack on eBay, she halted bidding at $450, but the auction fell through. A second attempt brought only a $29 offer, which she accepted.

So, with the value of Christian paraphernalia dropping, Jewish knick-knacks will probably proliferate this holiday season. Here's a few, uh, stocking stuffers.

Jews can show their ecological sensitivity during Hannukah by wearing a "G-d Loves Green" kippah. Available in your choice of black or forest green suede.

And if your taste runs to the more esoteric, Ken Goldman can supply you with dozens of Kabbalah-based beany-baby-like cuddly dolls.

Goldman was inspired by three unique characters--Samonglif, Sanoi and Sansoni-- etched onto a ninth-century amulet traditionally hung over children’s cribs for centuries, which he believes are representative of three angels guarding the child and providing spiritual protection.

The “Kabbalistic Beasties” are selling, with prominent placement, on the first floor of Manhattans' FAO Schwarz toy store.

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Uglyband: Zao's new look

Zao
Latest release: The Fear is What Keeps Us Here, Ferret Records
Website: www.zaoonline.com

This Christian "metalcore" band from Greensburg, Penn., has been around since 1993, so I was surprised I'd never heard of them. Their myspace page is scary, and as I looked around for a photo of the band, the song The Buzzing played in the background. It did indeed sound like the lead singer was ripping his throat out with a buzz saw. But that, I suppose, reflects the essence of the genre.

The only group photo I could find was the one on the cover of the latest CD (above). It is a stunningly evocative scene. The band members are draped in simple white sheets resembling the Muslim burqa. They surround a similar figure draped in black, obviously representing their agent at Ferret Records. The message remains obscure, but the depiction is remarkable.

The bold and dramatic unisex look this portrays represents a significant departure for a heavy metal group of any persuasion, but especially one with a Christian background. The clean, ethereal image is in contrast to the scalding sound of the music contained in the CD. Stylistically, the choice was perfect.

This could very well influence the look of Christian groups across the spectrum from pop to contemporary to gospel. Zao's identity-erasing metalcore burqa could go a long way in dispelling the impression that Christian musicians are mostly in it for their ego.

They might find it hard to play their instruments, though.

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Watch your mouth

Today's blasphemy round-up:
In England, a group called Christian Voice wants to bring a case against the director general of the BBC and the producer of the award-winning musical Jerry Springer--The Opera for blasphemous libel. The offense carries a maximum sentence of life imprisonment. They say the opera portrays Jesus as a "coprophiliac sexual deviant."

(They should take a few pointers from the real professionals. In Sudan, British primary school teacher Gillian Gibbons has been arrested for insulting Islam's Prophet by letting her class of 7-year-olds name a teddy bear Mohammad).


Future blasphemy round-up:
No one has charged David Heriot yet with blasphemy, but he plans to direct The Aquarian Gospel, a story of Jesus' missing years from ages 13 to 30. Heriot previously directed the self-help motivational documentary The Secret. [Now there's some actual blasphemy] The Aquarian Gospel will trace Jesus' journeys from Israel through India, Tibet, Persia, Greece and Egypt as he encounters people of all creeds, classes and faiths. Modern-day spiritual leaders will fill cameo roles, portraying prominent historical and religious figures that Jesus encountered.

In the same vein, German filmmaker Robert Sigl's The 13th Disciple will trace the journey of two German archaeologists looking for evidence that Jesus visited India. They find Jesus had an evil twin brother who is reincarnated in the present as the scheming head of a religious sect.

Heriot's plans seem most troubling to me. Will he cast Benny Hinn as Zaccheus? The Dalai Lama as his own previous incarnation? I don't know... Just don't let Shirley MacLaine play Mary Magdelene. That would be a crime.

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Amazing: With reform like this, who needs oppression?

A 19-year-old woman in Saudi Arabia was gang raped by seven men in 2006. This month, a court sentenced the men to prison terms of two and nine years. Then, the judges sentenced the woman to receive 200 lashes and six months in prison for "being alone with an unrelated man." Then her lawyer was taken off the case and disciplined for talking to the media. And this is all after King Abdullah INITIATED AN OVERHAUL OF THE JUDICIAL SYSTEM.

Via Dolorosa in Dongguan
Crucifixes thought to be mass produced in Italy turn out to be made in sweatshops in China, where the girls work 15-hour days, seven days a week for 26 cents an hour with no time off. The women live in filthy dorms and are fed a watery slop, according to a report by the National Labor Committee. New York churches where the crucifixes are sold have removed them from their gift shops. The crosses have been exhibited at an annual trade show organized by the Association for Christian Retail, a Colorado-based trade association that works with thousands of religious stores across the country.
Apparently the Chinese are moving the crucifix from it's modern use as an item of devotional interior design back to it's original purpose as an instrument of torture and shame.

'The (other) nations are as a drop in a bucket'
After massive new oil reserves were discovered off the coast of Brazil, Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva announced that the discovery proves "God is Brazilian." This should not be surprising, because Brazilians have long claimed on the basis of their rich natural resources that God shares their nationality.
Luckily for the rest of us, dual citizenship has been permitted in Brazil without restriction since 1994.

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Bury a statue, sell your home!

With foreclosures increasing, and the housing market stalled, some people have rediscovered an old Catholic tradition-- burying a statue of St. Joseph on property you want to sell. For $9.95 you can get a 4-inch statue of Joseph, the husband of Mary and the patron saint of home and family, and a kit that explains the history and proper orientation of the statue, a "Protective Plastic Burial Bag," instructions on where to bury it, etc.

St. Jo becomes your virtual "underground real estate agent." You don't even have to be Catholic.

One apocryphal story tells how someone threw the statue in the trash, and the next week the town dump was sold. Gosh!

But homeowners need to exhibit caution about which statues they bury.

--Let's say I bury a statue of John Calvin. If the house doesn't sell, was it probably predestined not to?

--If I bury a statue of Jan Hus in my yard, will my house burst into flames?

--If I bury a statue of Jimmy Carter, will Habitat for Humanity arrive to build me a new garage?

--If I bury a statue of Korah— the guy who rebelled against Moses and was destroyed when the earth opened up and swallowed him and his followers (Numbers 16)— will my yard turn into a big bottomless gravel pit?

Even more unexpected problems can arise by burying statues of The Buddha, Stalin and Vaclav Havel.

All in all, it's best to leave these kinds of things to experienced professionals.


We've covered this before, but thanks to Metafilter for the latest version.

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Cult goes off its medication

At least 30 members of a Russian doomsday cult have barricaded themselves in a remote cave to await the end of the world and are threatening to commit suicide if police intervene.

According to a report by Reuters, they are hidden inside a snow-covered hillside in the Penza region of central Russia. The group--which includes four children-- believes the world will end sometime in May next year.

Their 43-year-old leader, Pyotr Kuznetsov, has been sleeping in a coffin for the last few months and did not join them in the cave. Authorities say he has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Police took Kuznetsov to the cave to persuade his followers to come out but without success.

(This, of course, is not a funny situation. But wouldn't a bunker-busting canister of Wellbutrin be in order here?)

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The Master's Four Hour Work Week

The speaker --touted in the media as the trendiest motivational life coach of the moment-- sat cross-legged before his disciples as they waited to catch his first words. This was supposed to be a seminar on time management and life changing insight into the quality of living. There were all kinds of people here too-- sales executives, ministers, politicians, CEOs and even some "creative" types and people off the street.

But why were we all sitting on the ground?

Someone whispered that the guy had taken all the management and how-to knowledge of the past 1,500 years (and possibly of the future, too, if you buy into the spiritual stuff) and distilled it into a few succinct statements that could rearrange your priorities forever. If he wanted us to sit on the ground, that was fine.

The speaker lifted his hand and the buzzing died down.

"Point No. 1," said the speaker, gazing at his audience. "Swear not."

There was silence for a full 30 seconds.

What the ... is that it? I hate these 'zen' kind of things speakers do.

A hand went up. "What do you mean by swearing? " asked an earnest-looking minister.

"I mean, don't promise anything, and you'll never disappoint or be disappointed. Let your yea be yea and leave it at that. Never have a goal. People will understand--in fact they'll thank you for it, they'll be free of expectations, so will you, and everybody will get more done."

There was some nodding, but it was clear no one was really getting it.

"Point No. 2. Don't lay up treasures here on earth."

There was furious whispering among the group. A man in a blue sports jacket raised his hand.

"I'm pretty sure that would wreck the economy. I mean, the banking industry would crumble and we'd be in a Depression for sure. Maybe if you elaborated a little..."

"Point No. 3. Take no thought for your life."

Now there was real buzzing. One elderly gentleman got to his feet and walked away. Finally someone asked, "If we took no thought for our lives, we'd probably never even come to a seminar like this."

"Now you're getting the idea," the speaker said. "Which brings us to point No. 4. Love your enemies."

The tension seemed to break and the crowd relaxed. Surely he was joking. Maybe this whole meeting was some kind of reality TV show set-up. A few started looking around for the cameras.

A harried looking woman executive motioned to speak.

"Sir, I'm sorry, but we expected some direction in how to live. Like... maybe you could evaluate our "lifestyle quotient." I actually brought some notes on what my dream lifestyle might be. Aren't you going to explain about how we need to take a mini-retirement and outsource our lives?"

"Actually, that was going to be my final teaching today. Point No. 5. Die to yourself."

The effect was as if he had adjourned the meeting. Several people got up and left. One rich young man protested: "Come on, that's not a mini-vacation, that's a permanent vacation... forever. You can't be serious."

"As a heart attack," the Master deadpanned.

As the space around him emptied, a bird landed on the tree branch to his left. He smiled and thought to himself, "A prophet has no honor in his own country. Must be time to move on."

Warren is 2007 'Sexiest Preacher Alive'

The Wittenburg Door has released its choice for 2007 Sexiest Preacher Alive, and it's Rick Warren, the 50-something, seeker-friendly love god of evangelicalism.

[Renowned British pulpiteer Charles Haddon Spurgeon was actually The Door's first choice, but, although sexy and a preacher, Spurgeon failed to meet the "alive" requirement. Plus, he has over-the-top facial hair.]

The Door contest goes one step beyond People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive poll by factoring in proficiency in Greek and Hebrew along with raw animal magnetism.

A Closet Clothes Horse

Don't let Rick Warren's disheveled Hawaiian shirt and receding hairline fool you. Although he says his idea of fashion is wearing "clothes that don't itch," Warren is a style-conscious clothes horse in his off hours. He can often be seen dressed to the nines, dazzling the ladies all over Saddleback Valley and on any Thursday night at the Cheesecake Factory in Mission Viejo. (He gets most of his fine Giorgio Armani suits at the Saks Fifth Avenue over at The Shops, we hear. Never wears 'em to church, though).

Christianity Today once said Warren has a "shapeless, middle-aged body." But that was back in 2003. He's been working out since then. Really.

The Hermeneutical Hunk

For a while this hermeneutical hunk had that spiked hair thing going, which the ladies love. It also helps that, as The Boston Globe reported, he's "a hugger, embracing even the most casual of acquaintances." Touchy-feely definitely raises a preacher's hotness quotient. (Although too much touchy-feely can raise his police mug-shot quotient).

Warren's post-modern, emergent, smoldering sensuality seems almost purposely driven. Staying on top of the latest youth trends is one way he keeps his mojo going. Like when he had his quotes all over the Starbucks cups. Brilliant.

omg lol xoxo j/k

And Warren was the first to jump on the Christian ringtone/ wallpaper franchise, bringing faith-based content to cell phones, something no one had realized they needed before. It started a revolution of Kuhnian proportians. Now when thousands of Christian young women pull out their i-Phones, their hearts go pitter-pat to see Rick behind their waiting text messages.

Power is sexy. So having dreamboat and political heavyweight Barak Obama join him in the pulpit last year only added to the megachurch pastor's charismatic appeal.

We all know preaching sexual abstinence can certainly make hearts grow fonder--all that talk about self restraint naturally increases the libido. But if --in addition--you've received a clean bill of health for sexual disease, well...the ladies are all over you like a rash. Let us explain....

Ricks' Hottest Moment

Ricks' Hottest Moment was being tested for AIDS. Back in December 2005, during Saddleback Church’s "Disturbing Voices" HIV/AIDS conference, Rick Warren underwent testing for the HIV virus (see top photo). Though Warren claimed he had never engaged in at-risk behaviors like marital infidelity or drug use, tension built during the 20-minute wait for the results. It was negative, and wife Kay was ecstatic: “That deserves a kiss.”

Smokin'! Oh, be still my fluttering heart! Rick Warren--Sexiest Preacher Alive, hands down. Need we say more?

UPDATE: Hillary Clinton has confirmed she'll attend Warren's Global Summit on AIDS, Nov. 17-Dec. 1 at his church. Told ya he was hot.

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Islamic superheroes bridge cultures

Meet Jabbar the Powerful, a Hulk-like strong man. And Noora the Light, who can create holograms. Not to mention Darr the Afflicter, who wields powerful pain waves. One hero, the Hidden, wears a burqa. They're all part of The 99, Muslim superheroes created by Kuwait-based Teshkeel Comics. The comic, already sold throughout the Middle East, hit the U.S. last month.


Although Islam, Allah and the Koran are not mentioned, the comic's back story is drawn from Arab history. It's based on the destruction of Baghdad's libraries by invading Mongols in 1258. Ancient wisdom was saved from the invaders and hidden in 99 jewels--analogous to the 99 names or attributes of God-- which were scattered throughout the world. The comic heroes each incorporate one of those attributes.

Creator Naif Al-Mutawa told Religion News Service he hopes the comics can help bridge cultures. But the storyline will be sensitive to Islamic traditions. "The 99," he said, "won't be dating each other."

This is cool. I'm waiting for a Baptist alternative, but a comic based on the 99 attributes of a good Wednesday night potluck supper might lack narrative punch.

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Give Vatican, Star Trek caskets this Christmas

The busiest shopping days of the year are approaching, and many of you are looking for an object that perfectly expresses your feelings for a friend or loved one.

Don't neglect their final hours. A company called Eternal Image can help with "funerary products that celebrate the passions of life."

They offer Precious Moments, Major League Baseball and Cat Fanciers' themes, but those are so 2003. We like two new themes that turn our thoughts to the heavens.

The Vatican Library line represents the first urns and caskets to ever be sanctioned by the Vatican Library. Each includes a Certificate of Authenticity bearing the official Vatican Library Collection seal.

The caskets are "made from a proprietary composite (our own formula) that will not rot," so your loved one will sleep peacefully-- just as if he or she were resting in St. Peter's Basilica.

(Question: Is anybody ever gonna protest at the memorial service, "Hey, that's not a genuine Vatican Library casket. Where's your certificate!" And it's made with a "proprietary composite?" OK, plastic coffins are good. )

The Star Trek-themed ash urns and caskets are "reminiscent of the 24th- century styling of the United Federation of Planets and Starfleet. The styling has been inspired by the popular 'Photon Torpedo' design seen in STAR TREK II: The Wrath of Khan. "

(Wasn't that the movie where Spock's coffin was launched into space and some unstable "proto-matter" set off the Genesis Effect that started that planetary regeneration thing, and he came back to life, and...?)

Oh well. Kitsch, the final frontier.

Via Boing Boing

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Pondering a ban on 'hammer boarding'

The envoy from the emperor sat with Pontius Pilate, prefect of the Province of Judea, at a low wooden table. They were joined by a representative from King Herod's palace, several specialists on Judean culture who advised the prefecture, and an observer from the office of Caiaphas the High Priest.

"The subject of our meeting is crucifixion, or as the crowd is calling it, "hammer boarding," Pilate announced. "There has been an outcry by some that the practice is not worthy of a civilized people and possibly ineffective. Some feel the practice may cause us more trouble in the long run. But are there any options?"

Herod's representative spoke first. "Of course it's something none of us likes to apply. It's messy, and requires at least two centuries of soldiers to maintain order during the crucifixion of even a little known bandit. And remember the trouble we had with the Messiah figure. But for special cases it's very effective in humiliating the prisoner and crushing the spirit of any of his supporters."

The envoy from Rome motioned to speak. "Roman policy is clear. Although local conditions may require adjustments, the Empire is behind crucifixion across the board. I don't know what we would have done without it during that Spartacus episode."

The Judean culture specialist cleared his throat.

"Yes, Stephanos, you have something?" Pilate asked.

"Sir, the problem is that ever since the Judean pseudo-messiah Jesus reportedly was 'raised from the dead' a few years ago, the fear factor of crucifixion is in flux. Especially among his supporters, it just doesn't carry the ooh--eee-ooh scariness that it used to. Some of them now don't even seem afraid when they're rounded up. All I'm saying is, maybe we need to try some different tactics."

"I'm sorry," the emperial envoy cut in. "A discussion like this would be fine during times of peace, prosperity and political stability. But these are days of turmoil. Enemies of Rome push at our borders. Treachery lurks even among our citizens. 'Hammer boarding' as you call it is one way we've kept control all these years. It's a national security issue. I'm afraid this council is over."

"Well," sighed Pilate. "I'm glad this decision wasn't put on my plate, at least. I'm washing my hands of the whole thing."

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O. J. Simpson! Nude!

Since we've been in launch mode for our new Wittenburgdoor.com website, I've been searching for a topic that will bring in the most hits and generate lots of interactive comments. After digging into scientific web surveys, search engine results and reams of site logs--in other words, delving into the very soul of America-- everything is pointing to two terms: " O. J. Simpson" and "nude."

Some folks considered the O. J. trial a sort of mass religious event. And in fact , there were some religious aspects to the hoopla. His longtime girlfriend, Paula Barbieri, became a Christian and broke off their relationship the morning of the murders. Megachurch pastor Rick Warren was reported to have visited Simpson in his prison cell. The publisher of Simpson's book If I Did It turns out to be a "fine Christian man" according to press reports. And Simpson has endorsed Hillary Clinton-- a Methodist-- for president.

But that's where the religious angle stops. And, unfortunately, there are no combined "nude" O. J. Simpson references to talk about. (Would we really want any?)

So, I suppose my quest for a posting that will draw billions of hits is a big bust.

Now-- if I only had a conspiracy theory that linked Pamela Anderson, Dragonball and the Sept. 11 attacks. Stay tuned.

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