Did Seinfeld ditch Scientology for Festivus?

Jerry Seinfeld caused a stir on Access Hollywood when he revealed he’d dabbled in Scientology.

“I did some Scientology courses about 30 years ago,” Jerry told Billy. “The only thing that bothers me about people knowing that is that it is not my complete wacko resume. It’s just one aspect!

"I just did a little but I liked it," he said.

Why did he stop?

“I don’t know... I was kind of flitting from thing to thing. I was interested in exploring.”

Remember, it was a show about nothing, after all.

Although Seinfeld didn't continue with Scientology, he in effect created a new religious holiday. Festivus is an annual holiday invented in 1966 by Reader's Digest writer and editor Dan O'Keefe, (author of an amazing book called Stolen Lightning: The Social Theory of Magic-- but that's another story).

O'Keefe's son was a writer for Sienfeld, and worked the festival into a 1997 episode of the show. The festival includes novel traditions like the "Airing of Grievances" and "Feats of Strength."

In the show, Frank Costanza explains how he created Festivus as an alternative holiday in response to the commercialization of Christmas:

Frank Costanza: Many Christmas' ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.

Cosmo Kramer: What happened to the doll?

Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!

Instead of a Christmas tree, Festivus focuses on an unadorned aluminum pole (see photo):

Cosmo Kramer: Is there a tree?

Frank Costanza: No, instead, there's a pole. It requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.

Frank Costanza: It's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio.

Mr. Kruger: I find your belief system fascinating.

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Holy Hook-Ups

They say each Mormon gets to rule his own planet eventually. Now singles can have theirs right now, at LDSPlanet.com.

I didn't realize that Mormons really needed an online dating service to get together, but I guess they do. The people on the LDSPlanet.com website sure seem way better looking than the Baptists or Methodists.

However, because there are more Mormon women than men, a strange phenomenon occurs, skewing the "Mormon Scale of Attractiveness."

But wait, Baptists have their own singles hook-up place, The Fundamental Baptist Singles website, "Where Independent Fundamental Baptists Meet."

This site has a lot of rules and warnings, which you'd expect. I like this one:

"Please keep in mind that if you register as being "single" and are actually married, that it is not only a SIN, but it is also a CRIME."

Whew! I love it when they talk that way. I'm turned on already.

There's even an appropriate scripture verse, Ecclesiastes 4:9-- "Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour."

But there is no mention of the following, edgier verse: "If two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?" Or the even kinkier, "A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."


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Door signs on to global satire goals

The Wittenburg Door Magazine announced today that its board of directors has endorsed the United Nations Millenium Goals for Satire, joining many other humor entities around the world in throwing the full weight of its influence behind the global fight against religious complacency in both the west and developing countries.

A little known sub-paragraph of the Millenium Development Goals--the U.N. program to fight poverty adopted in 2000-- the Satire Goals are three-fold:

-- Reduce by half the extreme self-righteousness of the world's religious leaders by the year 2015.
--Warn world bureaucrats against taking overly ambitious plans and agendas too seriously.
--Maximize cultural understanding through the exchange of limericks and knock-knock jokes in foreign languages and funny caricatures of sacred religious symbols.

"For the first time in history we have the technology, the resources and the knowledge to get this done," Door editor Robert Darden explained a letter to U.N. General Secretary Ban Ki-moon. "All we have lacked until now is the will."


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Hard time for TBN's captive audience

TBN is asking prison facilities to allow it to broadcast four of its channels to prison audiences as part of its "Second Chance" program. The network would install satellite dishes and other equipment for free.

TBN cites research by a criminologist who claims watching inspiring religious television programs would have a positive effect on inmates' behavior and rehabilitation.

Law-and-order conservatives favor the program, saying it will inflict even harsher punishment on the lawbreakers.

OK, that part's not true, but it could be. At a time when our national prestige is at an all-time low over Abu Ghraib, waterboarding and the definition of torture, do we really want the Human Rights Commission looking into whether Jan Crouch's singing is cruel and unusual punishment?


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What Would Jesus Counterfeit?

When a man was arrested in Pittsburgh for trying to pass a bogus $1 million bill at a convenience store, the police speculated the bill could be traced back to a "a Dallas-based ministry, which last year distributed thousands of religious pamphlets with a picture of the bogus bill."

In June 2006 the Secret Service seized 8,300 copies of the "million dollar bill" tract from the Great News Network's headquarters because a woman in North Carolina attempted to deposit the tracts as legal tender.

The bills were printed by Kirk Cameron's and Ray Comfort's The Way of the Master ministry and Living Waters Publications. The ministry at first refused to cooperate with the authorities and charged they were being persecuted. Apparently they're at it again. And... the bill is still available on their website.

They should have seen this coming. It's in the Bible: "The love of money is the root of all evil" (1 Timothy, 6:7-10).

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Church staff-change updates

Several ministers felt God calling them in new directions recently. We post the news here knowing you like to keep track of these things:

• Richard Allsworthy from Westside Community Cartesian Chapel, where he was interim minister of youth, to Yellowfield Gardens Baptist Church as full-time loud-mouthed jerk.

• Steve Holland going from First Methodist Church in Sandland, where he felt he was wasted in his position as music minister, to Calvary Chapel Church in East Harlow, where he has been named Master Minister of Media, TV, Worship, Lifestyles, Landscaping and Web Services.

• Bob Galloway has resigned as whine leader at Easy Hollar Pentecostal Church to become minister of complaints, dissatisfaction and self-justification at Uptown Assembly of God.

• Gerald T. Fruggs is retiring after 37 years of exquisitely refining the definition of mental torture for his congregation at All Saints Episcopal Cathedral.

• Gina Smith-Ingles from Lakeside Methodist Church, where she was demure associate minister of counseling, to join First Methodist Church as powerful woman-of-God-in-chief and pastoral matron, prioress and "prebyr-yenta of the parish."

• James Bell, formerly bus ministry driver at First Baptist in Allen, to NASCAR headquarters as official Anheuser-Busch chaplain-at-large and race-day exorcist.


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Bored Game with Joel Osteen

The wife was off on her separate vacation. The kids don't live here anymore. Nothing was on TV. I was depressed. It was time to pull out the Joel Osteen-inspired "Your Best Life Now: The Game."

That's right, it's a board game based on the Houston pastor's bestselling book. You can buy it for $34.99 at Family Christian Stores. (I hadn't heard about it, but you probably have-- it came out last year).

Anyway, players progress through seven levels in the game. Each level has a challenge to overcome. The levels relate to the seven steps of "living at your full potential." It's sort of like Monopoly but instead of dealing in money, its currency is... air.

I ran into problems immediately. You're supposed to Develop a Healthy Self Image by making positive statements about yourself while looking into this tiny mirror. I couldn't think of anything, but I had a Have Faith card that let me get to the next step. Later I got to use my Wonder Word card, too.

I got through Discover the Power of Your Thoughts, Let Go of the Past and Find Strength Through Adversity. But I got stuck on Live to Give, and never made it to Tomorrow. I went to bed even more depressed.

I guess sometimes your best life just isn't good enough.


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Ungrateful young people see Christians as "judgmental"

A poll by the Barna Group reveals that most young people regard Christians as "judgmental and hypocritical."

The lying little pagans' opinions are recorded in a new book called UnChristian: What a New Generation Really Thinks About Christianity by David Kinnaman.

Like we care!

I'm surprised the little hedonists took time out from their non-stop self-gratification and indulgence to put pen to paper. And whatever thoughts spill out from the addled brains of this morally stunted generation probably has the combined intellectual weight of monkey flatulence.

Sheesh! Don't they value the trouble we went through to give birth to these mewing, gurgling little eating machines? What gives them the right to "evaluate" their elders? If they don't like Christianity they can just rot in hell for all I care. They're just.... Um. Uh, oh... never mind.

Won't you join me in prayer for our troubled youth?

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Beastie: Cold and Coulter

The headline grabbed my attention: "Coulter's anti-Semitic comment too dangerous to ignore."

Oh my! I searched through the Internet to find out who this Ms. Coulter could be, and why she had said such bad things about Jews. But it turns out the whole thing's overblown. She's not anybody important at all, just a conservative commentator.

On a CNBC talk show the host asked her what an ideal country would be like, and she replied that it would be one in which everyone was "a Christian." The host, who happens to be Jewish, protested that Coulter was advocating his people's elimination. She responded that she simply hoped to see Jews "perfected" through conversion to Christianity.

So you see-- nothing really newsworthy after all.

But it set me to thinking. What would be the perfect camouflage for someone who was planning to reveal him- or herself at the end of time as the Antichrist? Wouldn't a Bible-believing conservative commentator be the last place anybody would think to find the Beast who will ravage the planet as described in the Book of Revelation?

I decided to look more closely into Ms. Coulter's history and career.

Born in New York City.... Member of the Order of the Coif secret society at the University of Michigan Law School.... Likes to read books about serial killers. This spring she called John Edwards a "faggot" and excused the murder of abortion doctors. Her new book is titled Godless. All very suspicious.

Coulter says that she holds Christian beliefs, but has avoided disclosing her membership in any particular denomination. Hmm. Is she ashamed? (As a Baptist, I can fully understand). Or is she hiding something?

Occasionally, the dark side pokes through her facade, like when she lashed out at her critics: "I'm a Christian first and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don't you ever forget it" (quoted in a July 2006 Editor & Publisher article).

Sure, all the right Christian doctrinal beliefs are there-- pro-life, anti-evolution creationism, her quaint version of redemption: ("Jesus' distinctive message was: People are sinful and need to be redeemed, and this is your lucky day because I'm here to redeem you even though you don't deserve it, and I have to get the crap kicked out of me to do it.")

But wouldn't a deceiving "father of lies" feign theological agreement in order to bide his time before unleashing a ruthless End Times rampage?

Although masquerading as a journalist, Ms. Coulter's thirst for power peeked through in 2000, when she considered running for Congress from Connecticut with the Libertarian Party. (Politicians are always potential Antichrists). The party refused to endorse her, thereby delaying the Great Tribulation and the return of Christ for possibly a whole administration.

I must confess, as I read about this lady, I liked her spunk. But the evidence was leading me to a sad conclusion. I wheeled out the Beastie Machine, cocked its supercharged processor and tightly wound the spring-loaded cog-and-tackle levers. It was going to be a long night.

I entered the first phrase, "Evil fiend Ann Coulter." Total: 635. Not enough.

"Malevolent devil Ann Coulter" came closer at 660.

"Hateful and ugly Ann Coulter" was too large at 678 and so was "bubbling cauldron of hate Ann Coulter" at 1,034. But I was getting carried away. ...Must calm down, I told myself ...get a grip.

"Evil hate queen Ann Coulter" was almost there at 661. But something was not right. There was an adjective I was forgetting, an incantation that would unmask the dark forces once and for all. What was it?

Doh! Of course...

I typed in "Evil ugly bitch Ann Coulter" and hit return. The Beastie Machine started to rattle and hum. It belched and spewed machine oil. Finally it whined piteously and fell silent, leaving behind only the acrid smell of sulphur. The blinking screen displayed the primordial numero del Beasto--666.

I wiped away the tears, but I had to face the truth: I'll never look at another right-wing, talking-head hottie again in quite the same way.


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The way of the Christian publishing hack

ABC Family Network recently announced that they will air a TV show based on the Samurai Girl series of books, and a remake of the 1954 classic Seven Samurai is in the works. So naturally it's time for a Christian imitation of this latest micro-twinge in popular culture.

The Way of the Christian Samurai: Reflections for Servant-Warriors of Christ, autographed by author Paul Nowak, is now available for $12 from R.A.G.E. Media in Mt. Laurel, NJ., long known as a spiritual center for Oriental wisdom.

The samurai, whose very title means “one who serves,” were skillful warriors of feudal Japan who devoted themselves fully to the service of their masters, willing even to sacrifice their lives in service to their lord. Christians are also called by their Lord, Jesus, to take up their cross and follow Him, and to seek to lose their life for His sake (Matthew 16:24-25).

Uh-huh. But I'm wondering about the photo on the book cover. What exactly is going on there?

I think I finally figured it out. The author is committing hari-kari.

And not a moment too soon.

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Carbon footprints in the sand

Thomas Nelson is publishing a "green" Bible. The Charles Stanley Life Principles Daily Bible uses paper certified by the Forest Stewardship Council.

Michael S. Hyatt, president and CEO of Thomas Nelson, Inc., said the company is "striving to make efforts to implement 'green' practices in our daily activities" and reduce it's corporate "carbon footprint."

The inspiration came to him one night in a dream, he recalled:

" I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there were one set of footprints.

"This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, I could see only one set of footprints. Like last year, when our sales dipped, and expenses ate up much of our corporate profits.

"But the Lord explained that when production fell, it lowered our carbon footprint and actually helped the environment. Turns our He was there all the time."

Besides the new Green Bible, Thomas Nelson plans to buy back hundreds of thousands of discarded copies of books by Benny Hinn, Oral Roberts and Pat Robertson along with other has-been authors and recycle them into new Green Books.

"We're putting it all under our new Soylent label," Hyatt said.

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For Christmas: March of the Nitwits

OK. Everybody loves penguins.

But not even the mellifluous voice of Morgan Freeman can persuade me that this Penguin Nativity Scene isn't somehow blasphemous. Yes, that's the baby Jesus ensconced snuggly atop Mary's happy, webbed feet. You can buy this on ebay for $37.

If you recall, conservatives already exposed the environmentalist agenda of those tap-dancing penguins in the animated movie Happy Feet. And after first praising the monogamous birds in the documentary March of the Penguins, they were embarrassed to uncover gender role-reversals and intimate male bonding bordering on the homoerotic.

Now, this.

To paraphrase Nietzsche, "Cuteness that does not destroy me only makes me stronger."

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Video: Night of the Living Jews

This just in from our favorite Jewish humor and culture magazine, Heeb.

It's not just another Hasidic zombie movie. "Hold on for the most violent, sexually explicit experience since your bris."

Takeaway quote: "There are Jews on the lawn. Zombie Jews!"

Night of the Living Jews takes place on the first night of Passover in a remote Jewish bungalow colony where residents are turned into flesh-eating zombies by matzoh with a dark history. In the hunt for human flesh, the zombies descend on an unsuspecting gentile family in their quiet farmhouse. You'll take a journey through their hellish night of terror, romance and a frighteningly un-kosher diet.

The short film is directed by 20-year-old first time director Oliver Noble, who dropped out of high school to launch his filmmaking career.

Possibly handy quote: "This is the strongest weapon in our arsenal. The bacon cheeseburger."

Watch the trailer.


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The law of the pack

I'm planning to put a bumper sticker on my car, like the one I saw yesterday, that says, "I'm Proud of My Cub Scout."

No, my son's not a Cub Scout. Neither am I. So, I guess I can't be proud of either one of us. But I'm really gonna be proud of my "I'm Proud of My Cub Scout" bumper sticker. It'll look great and make me feel better about myself.

I tried to be a Cub Scout back in second or third grade. To earn the merit badge, a boy must pass 12 increasingly difficult and challenging achievements involving simple physical and mental skills.

My parents bought me a scout belt with the metal buckle. One of the simple mental and physical challenges was putting the canvas belt through the metal belt buckle and actually making it hold up your pants.

I failed. I went to one meeting, and found myself with the same group of sweaty rowdy idiots I was with all day at school. The den mother in charge kept telling us what to do. Who needs this much stress, I thought? I never went back.

I was supposed to learn citizenship, compassion, cooperation, courage, faith, health and fitness, honesty, perseverance, positive attitude, resourcefulness, respect, and responsibility--among other things-- and to obey the Law of the Pack.

But instead I learned a valuable lesson about myself.

I learned I'm not a joiner.

Some people probably see joining a church (or a college fraternity for that matter) in the same way. They may know they need a community, but they don't want to face "12 increasingly difficult and challenging achievements" in the spiritual realm, or obey the law of the pack. They want a place that doesn't reward merit with a badge. (Does anybody actually have merit?)

Don't get me wrong. Some of my best friends are Eagle Scouts. They come in handy building camp fires when we're backpacking.

But would Jesus have joined Cub Scouts?

All I know is that I've still got my Cub Scout belt buckle. Maybe someday I can make the darn thing work.


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The S'more Society

So why is it when I'm not thinking about myself, life is pretty carefree, but when I'm faced with my own sinfulness and greed, all I see is death?

Take today, for instance.

Three TVs hang in front of the workout machines at the spa. On one, CNN was reporting another school shooting, this time in Cleveland, interspersed with clips from fighting in Iraq. On the other TV, actors were slamming each other against their high school lockers in One Life to Live. On the third screen, ESPN was replaying all the illegal hits in this weekend's NFL games. Ouch.

So, I'm sweating at the gym. Why, exactly? To live longer? To flee the emptiness of my own soul? To keep from going out and shooting someone myself?

I wonder if it's possible that a whole country could be possessed by one demon. And I wonder what that demon would look like. I'm picturing something from Ghostbusters-- not the evil Sumerian god Gozer (Hmm. Iraq again), but something more like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Big, soft, sugary, stupid and white, consisting mostly of air.

Or even better, picture the beloved camping treat, the S'more. Our politics and religious sentiments are the chocolate-covered graham crackers that give an illusion of substance to the gooey marshmallow center of our national confection.

(And to think people are lining up at our borders to trade in their genuine traditions and customs for our amalgam of junk food).

The S'more Society--a fitting label for a national philosophy of self-indulgence.

I guess our name is Legion. May God forgive us.


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Mailbag: Starved for Serenity

Dear Wittenburgblog,

I'm the public relations director for Blackwater, and I was on my way back from a vacation in Myanmar (what was I thinking?) when the airline stewardess asked me to remove my shirt because she thought it was too suggestive. I refused, and they put me off the plane in Georgia. I decided to take in an illegal dogfight to kill time, but when I stopped in a public restroom, somebody in the next stall touched my foot (hey, I've got a "wide stance.") That kinda freaked me out, but that's not my problem. A group of Lacrosse players from Duke came in as I was going out, and when I made what I thought was a funny joke about those rape charges, they beat me up.

In the hospital I found out my health insurance was inadequate, so I had to wait six hours before they would clean my wounds. Then my doctor turned out to be an illegal alien from Guatemala, and they took him away for deportation before he could inject my anesthesia. By the time I got home, I was a wreck. That's when my wife told me our son was flunking school because he's addicted to Halo 3.

I just couldn't handle it anymore. I tried to kill myself with pills, but instead of the Lunesta, I grabbed my bottle of Viagra by mistake, and, well, I guess you can sense my despair. What can I do?

--Call me Job

It's hard to find the silver lining here, but let me try. To quote Reinhold Niebuhr, by way of Tammy Faye Bakker, learn to "accept the things you cannot change," ...such as your abysmal taste on careers and leisure activities.

But it's also important to know who to blame.

For instance, your problems with the health care mess? Blame Hillary Clinton and Michael Moore. Halo 3? Blame Microsoft's Bill Gates. Confused by your medications? You can blame the advertising industry for your botched suicide. This is a lot easier than taking to heart the other part of the "Serenity Prayer":

"Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will."

See why nobody quotes that part? Anyway, tell me how it all turns out.


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Uglyband: Blase no longer blasé

Blase is a girl hip-hop group from "H-town" in Texas. I suppose that refers to Houston, but it could just as easily be Henderson, Harker Heights, Hereford or a dozen others. It's not clear from their MySpace page info.

Nevertheless, take a look at this group. You might think Blase is, well, blasé, if not for the amazing transformation we see documented. The photo above is their current, cool look, but check out an earlier version of the group in the photo below.

I suspect their mammas took them by the ear and dragged them over to the local stylist for a makeover. From being stuck in some kind of 1970s Jackie Brown kind of whirlpool, they were able to break out of it and slip into a new, classy look.

Folks, that's how it's supposed to be done. No doubt we owe a lot to one of the first "friends" commenting on their page--Nikki The Unique Stylist. Hat's off to that girl.

If more of our Christian bands could take a cue from Blase and shed their woefully outdated and un-schooled choices in clothes, hair and attitude, who knows how much the Kingdom of God would benefit?

On the other hand, girls, the syrupy sweet online greeting cards on your Myspace page are sorta creepy and make me gag. Fire your web designer.


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Beastie: Polluted Sudoku Abomination

In the world of Beastly numerology, the mind can play tricks. That's why I run through my multiplication tables whenever I can, just to keep the old bean counter in shape.

But the other day I noticed a trusted friend poring over a new number game in the newspaper. The game had a foreign-sounding name: Sudoku. I warned my friend against the insidious influences of New Age oriental ideas, and yet I was intrigued.

It seems the game is similar to the ancient Latin Squares puzzle. But it's infused with concepts like combinatorics, permutation group theory and "Samunamupure constraint types." Something was obviously amiss here. This wasn't jibing with the New Math I learned in sixth grade, that's for sure.


Could this new puzzle craze actually be a ploy of Satan to divert our attention from discovering the Number of the Beast?

There was certainly one way of finding out.

I cleared away the offending newspaper page that contained the "Sudoku" game and carefully fed some phrases into the Beastie Machine.

The word "Sudoku" itself seemed innocent enough (totalling a mere 336). The mystical Japanese name for the puzzle, "Sūji wa dokushin ni kagiru," proved way too large at 1,020. "Unholy Sudoku puzzle" numbered only 567, while "infernal Sudoku puzzle" was over the line at 886.

"The abominable evil Sudoku puzzle" came closer at 660, while "virulent Sudoku puzzle" gave the interesting--but unusable-- number 777. Wait-- 777 is the sacred number of completion. Could Sudoku be a good thing?

I had to pause, drawing on knowledge I gleaned from my research into Sumerian base-12 number systems used by ancient idolatrous peoples. I ate a Reece's Pieces, and meditated on the oneness between unity and particularity. I chewed on a toothpick, and then sorted and discarded some junk mail.

Suddenly, a phrase came to mind, which I fed carefully into the Beastie Machine.

The words "polluted sudoku abomination" forced the machine to shudder and disgorge like a worn-out slot machine in Reno. The numbers were 666, which perfectly aligned with the Book of Revelation, and, more importantly, with my own suspicions.

Tomorrow I'll e-mail Will Shorts with the news: Sudoku, like all other popular fads, is a proven tool of the Devil.


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Vatican, Baptists in space race?

More than 200 scientists from 26 countries have gathered in Rome for a five-day meeting on disc galaxies sponsored by the Vatican. The church that persecuted Galileo periodically convenes science conferences. In 1993 the Vatican Advanced Technology Telescope was completed in Tucson, Ariz., equipped with a new large American-made 1.8 metre mirror.

"They want the world to know that the Church isn't afraid of science," said one participant.

In response, the Southern Baptist Convention has proposed negotiating with NASA to place a three-ton flashlight in stationary orbit over Nashville. The powerful light would be seen from anywhere in the United States and represent "the light of the Gospel available to all men"

"We don't want a missile gap with the Catholics," said SBC executive Morris Chapman. "At the same time, I just don't see what "disc galaxies" have to do with God. A more evangelistic use of space seemed appropriate to us. And we've got even more spacey ideas. Our proposed Baptist moon base, for instance, will feature a giant cross visible at 300,000 miles."

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Door Editor on Talk of the Nation

We interrupt this humor blog to note that our esteemed editor Robert Darden will be a guest on the NPR program Talk of the Nation today (Monday, Oct. 1) at about 2:40 p.m. (Central Time). His segment will last for about 20 minutes.

Bob, who was gospel music editor for Billboard magazine in a previous incarnation and now is associate professor of journalism at Baylor University, will talk about his gospel music book People Get Ready in honor of the 75th anniversary of the composition Precious Lord, Take My Hand. He's "really pumped!"

"As you may know, I have been very involved with an effort to save the fast-disappearing recorded legacy of black gospel music, and have established a project here at Baylor University to do just that."

Uh, actually, no, we didn't know that, Bob. But you can tell us all about it today on Talk of the Nation.

[End of shameless promotional plug]

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