U.S. troops to withdraw from Iraq, leave gift

After Gen. Petraeus delivers his report to Congress Sept. 11, there might be only one way left to win in Iraq:

(Baghdad)--U.S. troops withdrew from Iraq yesterday, leaving behind only a large wooden camel as a gesture of goodwill.

Although violence continued between sectarian groups, curious crowds gathered around the unusual, four-story structure in Baghdad's downtown square.

Local goat meat vendor Almahd Rhazdih said that Iraqis are glad of the Americans' departure, but are apprehensive about the future. He noted that insurgent fighters had surrounded the big dromedary, stopping the crowd from breaking it apart for firewood.

"Maybe they're going to analyze it, or use it for some kind of propaganda," he said. "Somebody said they might parade it through the streets and then behead it on TV. They're looking for a chainsaw now."

U.S. Defense Secretary Gates explained the gift of a camel is "a traditional Bedouin gesture of peace" that he hoped the new Iraqi rulers would accept.

"We're counting on their goodwill, curiosity and a profound ignorance of Western classical literature to make this work."


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Web: Threat Alert Jesus!

Terry Mattingly over at the GetReligion blog wonders why no mainstream press has written yet about the amazing Threat Alert Jesus, a plastic figure of the Savior that lights up when the Department of Homeland Security changes the terror threat level.

"When He turns red-- get under the bed!"

"This incredible invention receives signals directly from the Dept. of Homeland Security anywhere within the continental U.S., and changes color the moment the national threat level is updated."

Also, read the comments at Mattingly's site about whether or not this is a spoof.

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When 'frenemies' need help

Sometimes "frenemies" trapped in an endlessly cycling love-hate relationship need a little outside help:

Psychologist--I'm glad you two decided to sit down together and talk this out. It shows maturity. It shows there's hope for the relationship. It shows that underneath all the backbiting and bluster that's gone on, something still remains of what drew you together in the first place.

Who'd like to go first?

God-- Well, I'd just...

Lucifer-- I would. Thank you. Honestly? Yahweh and I were great in the beginning. Yin and Yang. People liked to see us together. We worked as a team. He'd bless some hapless "righteous" screw-up and then I'd come along to test the guy's faith by making his goat die or something. There was a symbiosis going on, a real mutual..

God--If I could just jump in here. Lucifer, I'm afraid you've forgotten the original basis of the relationship. You work for me. We are not equal partners. We're not buddies. You had your shot as an anointed cherub and you blew it. I created you perfect in all your ways. But it just wasn't enough for you, so...

Lucifer-- What? How can you say that? The arrogance! You are the most manipulative, oppressive ruler anybody could ever think about submitting to. If I had any other options, do you think I'd still be here humiliating myself in front of a ...a psychiatrist? How many times have I told you I wanted out of this relationship, huh? Tell the good doctor. Most recently was about three days ago, right?

God-- Hey, I created the job for you, ex nihilo. I hated to see you always curled up in a fetal position, whining all day. You see what I've had to put up with? I actually invented the concept of language, but it's just impossible to communicate with someone who's hysterical. Sheesh!

Psych.-- Why don't we move on to another topic. What do you each really want out of this relationship?

God-- I guess I'm looking for obedience, some decorum and of course the rebellion level would have to go way down.

Lucifer-- For me? Love. That's all. And freedom to be me. I feel so restricted with all the regulations-- have you read them?--I don't know, I'm confused. I try to carry out my instructions, but what's so wrong with injecting a little creativity into the process? Have you got a monopoly of that too?

God-- Actually I do.

Psych.--I think I see an opening for a reconciliation here, but both of you will have to bend a little. God, could you leave Lucifer with pretty much free reign on the earth for a period of time? Of course there'd be a firm cut-off date. And Lucifer, you'd have to do what God says without fail, even knowing that in the end you'll end up in the Lake of Fire.

Lucifer-- We'll see about that.... OK, sure. I'll give it a shot.

God-- Yes, I suppose that would be satisfactory. But I'm keeping my eye on you just the same.

Psych. --We're out of time. We could schedule another meeting if you think it's necessary, but you've both taken a huge step here, and I'm delighted with your progress.

Group hug?


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China's reincarnation station checkpoint

According to Newsweek, a new law goes into effect next month in China that strictly stipulates the procedures by which one is to reincarnate. Yes, you heard that right.

A statement by the State Administration for Religious Affairs says it is "an important move to institutionalize management of reincarnation." The law is aimed primarily at Tibetan Buddhists.

Could Google have anything to do with this?

Google this year agreed to censor itself in China. Whenever people search for interdicted Chinese keywords on a blocked list maintained by the government, google.cn displays the following at the bottom of the page: "In accordance with local laws, regulations and policies, part of the search result is not shown." This may have emboldened the government to get into censoring the afterlife.

Also, Google just released it's "Sky" version of Google Earth, which allows users to scan the heavens. Coincidence?

Anyway, we're sure some similar Google-like disclaimer is in store for hapless Buddhists as they reconfigure in the afterlife.

The spirit of the Buddhist after death goes through a process lasting 49 days that is divided into three stages called "bardos." At the conclusion of the bardo, the person either enters nirvana or returns to earth for rebirth.

Will the departed find this etched to the bottom of the bardo of rebirth?

"In accordance with local laws, regulations and policies, some of the six realms of existence will be off limits. The human realm, the jealous god (asura) realm and the god (sura) realms require a bit of paperwork to be submitted to your local cadres. We're sorry, but submission before death will not be processed.

"The preta (hungry ghost) realm will remain open to anyone who can stand it. Intense suffering in the hell realms are always allowable. Unimaginable pleasures in the god realms are, or course, out of the question without rigorous review.

"And certain forms in the animal realm require a long personal interview, group self-criticism sessions and the successful completion of the Communist Party of China's new team-building and motivational course, which involves wearing bamboo hats and drab grey uniforms with rice bags slung across your shoulders as you trudge along a narrow mountain path under the scorching sun, your clothes soaked in sweat. Forever."

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Beastie: A tempest in a teacup

As the weather reports kept popping up on TV this week, a thought formed in my head-- first just a squall in the farthest reaches of my mindscape, later becoming a full-blown mental typhoon screaming a constant question: "Could Hurricane Dean be the Antichrist?"

I had never considered a natural phenomenon as a candidate, but wouldn't it be just like the arch-deceiver to try to sneak in under the Doppler radar, so to speak? In these days of spiritual perversity, one can never be too careful.

With mesmerizing images of a gigantic, swirling powerhouse of energy devouring Yucatan and wreaking destruction along its path, there was no time to lose. Besides, it was heading straight for Texas.

After boarding up our windows and sealing the doors, I put the Beastie Machine into its waterproof casing. If nothing else survived, at least someone could recover it's valuable data.

I fed in "Hurricane Dean." The numbers totalled to only 625. "Bad ol' Hurricane Dean" boosted the results to 661. "Category Four Dean" notched it up to 662. Then I hit a wall.

"Deceitful Category One Dean," "Deceptive ol' Category One Dean," and "Lewd Hurricane Dean" all came up the same at 665.

"Malevolent ol' Category Five Dean" was too high at 667.

Wait! Our word "hurricane" comes from either Hunraken, the Mayan storm god, or Hurakan, the Quiche god of thunder and lightning. Maybe if I switched to Spanish terminology I could break out of the doldrums.

Sure enough, "Malo toxico huracan Dean" and "Infecto huracan Dean" both tallied to 664. Now I was getting somewhere.

But then I hit the wall again.

"Vil demoniaco huracan Dean," "Malo infame huracan Dean" and "Muy malo y danino huracan Dean" all kept sticking at 665.

Switching back to English, I tried nouns--dastard, diablo, enfant terrible, fiend, hellion, imp, knave, monster, ogre, rogue, scamp, scoundrel, villain. Then I tried adjectives--Mephistophelian, accursed, atrocious, bad, brutish, cloven-footed, cursed, damnable, demoniac, demonic, detestable, diabolic, diabolical, evil, execrable, fiendish, hellborn, hellish, infernal, iniquitous, nefarious, satanic, serpentine, unhallowed, villainous.

After hours of spiritual struggle, I was exhausted. The Beastie machine was heating up to dangerous levels. The answer was slipping from my fingertips. As the sun came up, CNN reported that Dean had been downgraded to a tropical depression. The skies overhead looked calm.

In the end, I had to defer to scripture. The number 666 is "the number of a man," after all. Although a hurricane has an eye, that's all the anthropomorphic similarity there is.

I had been chasing wind, a vapor, a puff of inconsequential ether.

Such is my life as a watchman on the wall, constantly on guard against numerological intrusion and stealthy theological attack.

But I AM gonna cancel The Weather Channel.


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More Amazing Stories: Angels, horse hockey, Islamic coolness

Sorry, but when wacky religion news items come in too fast to satirize individually, we are forced to release them all at once in our "Amazing Stories" feature. Here's some more:

• Thirty-five-year-old Princess Martha Louise of Norway, who is fourth in line to the throne, has come under intense media scrutiny for her involvement with the Astarte Education School, an alternative school that aims to teach people how to get in touch with "the angels and the divine Universe." The princess wrote on their web site that she had learned how to talk to angels and communicate with horses. Horses? Be patient... the item below shows THERE'S A THEME forming!

• Following in the footsteps of Southwestern Seminary's Christian Housewife course, a Texas Baptist church-starting conference offered participants a course in HALT, or Horse Assisted Leadership Training, a ministry that incorporates horses to "teach leaders about themselves and how to work with those around them." It's facilitated by an Equine Assisted Learning (EAL) certified team.
You could call all this just a load of HORSE-HOCKEY, but a jackass did speak to Balaam, after all.

• The music video Malak Ghair Allah or You Only Have God to Count On was a hit when it was launched recently at a popular mall in Jiddah, Saudi Arabia. It's message: You can be cool and devout. But the main cast includes a Saudi woman, which is very rare. She appears covered up in black with only her face showing. The song tells of a young Muslim who strays from the true path by smoking, flirting and skipping prayers. He suffers by losing his fiancée, falling behind at work and then having a serious motorcycle accident. But things turn good when he reverts to a more prayerful way of life and stops smoking. (Think I saw the same story in a Sunday School instructional film in junior high). Hundreds of people showed up to watch the video on a giant screen in the mall's main hall. Why is all this news? Because the Saudi government considers music un-Islamic and usually BANS MUSIC IN PUBLIC PLACES!

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Amazing Stories: Falwell, nuns, potholes

• Before his death, Jerry Falwell arranged a deal to take water from a spring on the campus of his fundamentalist Liberty University and sell it as Liberty Mountain Natural Spring Water... just as environmentalists were announcing that bottled water is not eco-friendly and is a WASTE OF MONEY!

• A would-be thief in Madison, Wis., came up empty-handed after trying to rob a nun. Why? She had taken A VOW OF POVERTY! The robber apologized to the victim and wondered if he'd be forgiven by her and the Catholic Church. Police later arrested the thief on a probation violation and tentative charges of kidnapping, burglary, battery and possession of drug paraphernalia. He has not yet been formally charged.... or forgiven.

• A smudge of driveway sealant resembling the face of Jesus Christ has fetched more than $1,500 in an online auction. But the owner is a Lutheran who considers the smudge just an odd occurrence — NOT A SIGN OR MIRACLE! Deb Serio, a high school teacher in Virginia, hired a contractor to remove the section of concrete for sale. But digging large slabs of concrete our of your driveway can sometimes have unexpected consequences. See below.

• Earth opens and SWALLOWS MINISTER'S CAR! Rev. Ralph Massey said he pulled into an empty parking lot to turn around when the ground gave way beneath him, pulling his car into a hole that was about six feet deep and 12 feet wide. “I was praying as I was going down. Lord don’t take me yet,” Massey said. “I tell you, that is a scary thing.” Transportation officials are examining the hole for a cause. Rev. Massey is examining his conscience.

• Americans United for Separation of Church and State, a watchdog group, asked the IRS to investigate the church of Wiley Drake, a former officer in the Southern Baptist Convention, because Drake had used church letterhead and his church-supported radio show to endorse Republican Mike Huckabee in his run for President. Wiley responded by CALLING DOWN CURSES against the Americans United staff. To justify his action, Wiley cited Psalm 109, in which the psalmist asks God that his enemy's "children be fatherless, and his wife a widow." (He did not cite Jesus' namby-pamby call to turn the other cheek).

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Jerry Falwell, Christian humor, satire, humor

Who told thee thou wast naked?

Forget Big Love, the TV series about Mormon polygamists. Are you ready to give your theology a real workout?

Drop in on The Christian Nudist Convocation, a semi-annual gathering of nudists who love Jesus. Or Christians who love nudism. Or something.

“May the Lord protect our nudity from the sight of those who will not benefit, and may He allow us to be seen by those who will.... Amen,” goes the prayer from one of the nudist’s websites.

You already missed this year's convocation-- it was in June in Tennessee. But the Nashville Scene alternative newspaper was there, with a photographer. Here's their illuminating article. It's sure to give you goosebumps.


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Christian nudist, Christian humor, satire, humor

Game will lead troops to virtual victory, bad theology

U. S. troops in Iraq fill up a lot of their off hours playing video games. Now they'll have the opportunity to blow away infidels and UN troops working for the Antichrist in the controversial video game, Left Behind: Eternal Forces.

And each time their virtual character makes a kill, he exclaims, "Praise the Lord!"

Operation Straight Up, sort of a Christian USO-type troupe with celebrities like Stephen Baldwin, Evander Holyfield and Rebecca St. James, is including the game in "Freedom Packages" it's mailing to soldiers serving in Iraq, according to Max Blumenthal's blog in The Nation.

"The game is inspired by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins' bestselling pulp fiction series about a blood-soaked Battle of Armageddon pitting born-again Christians against anybody who does not adhere to their particular theology. In LaHaye's and Jenkins' books, the non-believers are ultimately condemned to 'everlasting punishment' while the evangelicals are 'raptured' up to heaven."

The blog notes, "OSU is the IED that exploded the wall separating church and state in the Pentagon and throughout our military."

But you know the one feature I actually like about the game? You can choose to be the Antichrist.... just like in real life.


UPDATE: Group Scraps `Left Behind' Video Games for U.S. Troops


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Left Behind, Christian humor, satire, humor

Uglyband: Bob Marley and the Wailers

Bob Marley and the Wailers
Latest Album: One Love at Studio One: 1964-1966 (Heartbeat, 2006)
http://web.bobmarley.com/index.jsp

OK, OK-- Marley's not a Christian artist. But don't tell the Anglicans.

The song One Love by the late reggae legend will be included in a new collection of Anglican church hymnals in Jamaica, along with the song Psalm 27 by another reggae musician, Peter Tosh.

Here's the first verse of One Love:

"One Love! One Heart!
Let's get together and feel all right.
Hear the children cryin' (One Love!);
Hear the children cryin' (One Heart!),
Sayin' give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right."

If that sounds perfectly fine to you, note that both Marley and Tosh were devout Rastafarians , and "the Lord" refers to Haile Selassie I, the former Emperor of Ethiopia, who they believe is God incarnate. Rastas also practice the spiritual use of marijuana and wear dreadlocks besides churning out great reggae music.

Rev. Ernle Gordon, rector of the Church of St. Mary the Virgin in Kingston, said members of the Anglican Church of Jamaica were enthusiastic about including the songs in the hymnal, despite their sometimes vocal opposition to Christianity.

"They may have been antichurch, but they were not anti-God or antireligion," Gordon said. The action is part of a broader effort by the church to "Caribbeanise" theology.

Gordon said the use of reggae rhythms in the Anglican Church is nothing new. "We've been having reggae and 'mento' masses for 25 years," he said. "We make it clear that the words we use are correct theology. ..."

Oh, whatever.

But you've got to admit Marley is a lot more exciting dead than most Christian music artists are alive.

So now I'm pushing for The Kinks' hit song Lola to be included in the Baptist Hymnal... but only in the back, as a responsive reading. Anybody else have a suggestion?


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Bob Marley, Christian humor, satire, humor

No religious belief left behind

School never was this fun when I was there.

David Wallace Croft is suing Texas Gov. Rick Perry and the Carrollton-Farmers Branch school district in federal district court, arguing that the state's minute of silence, in effect since 2003, is unconstitutional and amounts to state-sanctioned school prayer.

Croft says he is fighting against the influence of "Judeo-Christian monotheism." His son is enrolled in an elementary school in the Dallas suburb of Carrollton. Croft—a former Baptist— has even started an online group called the Cryobaptist Church, which he defines as having "a postmortem baptism in liquid nitrogen," and linked to his belief in "universal immortalism."

One year he appealed to the school board: "Ask yourself how those parents of the majority religion would react if they discovered that their children were being made to sing a patriotic and religious song about Allah, Satan, the Goddess, the Gods, or the Outer Space Aliens. Those songs would be inappropriate, and so is this one [God Bless the USA]."

Ah, those wacky Texans. But this story shows it's not all hypothetical:

One day last winter, Martiza Tamayo, the principal of Unity Center for Urban Technologies in Manhattan, told an assistant principal Melody Cooks-Simpson that she had a friend who could perform a Santeria “cleansing” of the building to counteract misbehaving students. (Santeria is an Afro-Caribbean syncretic religion, some of whose adherents--including some baseball stars-- believe in trances, animal sacrifice and sacred drumming and dance.)

According to the article on The New York Times, Ms. Tamayo promised the friend “could burn sage and incense in the school and it would calm the students down,” according to the report.

“Wear white,” Ms. Crook-Simpson said she remembered Ms. Tamayo instructing her. “If there’s anything evil, it won’t get on you.”

At the ceremony, chicken blood was sprinkled, Tarot cards were shuffled, cigars were smoked.

The next week the principal demanded $900 from her colleague to pay half of the ceremony fee. The New York Public School District investigated and suggested that Ms. Tamayo be removed.

The high school seems normal enough from its website: "Unity offers a challenging academic curriculum. We apply a holistic approach to education as our students are prepared to compete in the global marketplace intellectually, culturally and socially."

So, what have we learned here?

Get a G.E.D.

Beastie: Taming the taxi conspiracy

Threats from the supernatural realm are not confined to living beings. Take taxicabs, for instance. They can be turned to the dark side.

I don't know how I missed this. Usually my worldwide network of volunteers alerts me. But at the end of July the San Francisco Taxicab Commission voted to keep the number 666 affixed to a cab that, according to its driver, is cursed.

There is a deeper level to this story. There always is. Taxis, it turns out, literally cover the globe. I ran across them even in India, where they are fancifully called "autorickshaws." Their worldwide distribution provides a perfect platform from which any number of nefarious conspiracies could be hatched.

Imagine how many bits of information are offhandedly revealed in private taxi conversations; how often the powerful or the famous or the criminal person uses a cab to travel to and from his or her deed or misdeed. Note: each taxi is provided with a radio transmitter. Many cab drivers are from foreign countries. And don't forget that Taxi Driver character played by Robert De Niro. And that sitcom Taxi back in the '80's. The evidence is overwhelming. Something is going on beneath our very noses, a veritable new "yellow peril."


The fact the story came out at all reveals a slip-up, a lapse, a momentary chink in the armor of the taxicab conspiracy. Well, it's not getting by me without an investigation.

I wheeled the Beastie machine out of its secure, temperature-controlled safe-room, set it on my dining room table and fed the new information into it's waiting input slot.

(Wringing the truth out of my Beastie Machine is getting harder and harder. Some days I'm tempted to feed the term "Beastie Machine" into the Beastie Machine and see what it spits out).

Anyway, "Taxi" and "Cab" came up empty. "Trilateral Taxicab Commission," though a promising idea, got the machine jumping way off the numerological scale.

Wait! I'm thinking locally, but acting globally. I've got to think globally! What about those autorickshaws I saw in India? (See photo at right of cold, calculating autorickshaw and it's clueless human stooge).

I tapped on the Beastie keypad: "bad autorickshaw." That came up as 662--tantalizingly close, but... no handrolled Habanos for me.

Got to get back to thinking locally. Taxis are one with the street, right? And street-wise, urban hip-hop type thinking would spell "bad" as "badd," like that 1991 music group "Color Me Badd."

Could this final calculation rip away the impenetrable veil shielding the demon Taxi conspiracy?

With trembling hands, I typed in "badd autorickshaw" and covered my eyes. The tumblers clicked into position, and the buzzer went off: 6...6...6.

Aha! The jig is up and the meter's running, my evil friends.

Bottom line: I don't know about ya'll, but I'm taking the bus from now on.


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666 taxicab, Christian humor, satire, humor

Streaming Judaism; ABC's 'Fat March'

The New York Times has a story today about streaming media on the Internet, and mentions The Jewish Television Network, a nonprofit television production and distribution company. The feature I like is the streaming music videos by Jewish performers. (I never realized The Beastie Boys were Jewish).

Here's a Beck music video from the late 1990s Midnite Vultures album featuring actor Jack Black and some interesting lyrics, for a religious network:

"I want to defy the logic of all sexx laws
Let the handcuffs slip off your wrist
I'll let you be my chaperone at the halfway home
I'm a full grown man but I'm not afraid to cry..."

Can somebody check to see if that's all kosher?

Meanwhile, in other media news, the youth minister at First Baptist Church in Dallas is a contestant on a new ABC-TV reality show called Fat March. Shane Sisk weighs 500 pounds. A recruiter for the show saw Sisk at the airport and signed him up on the spot.

The program will change the contestants' diets and march them 570 miles through nine states. They can vote someone off the team like on Survivor, and they're all scrambling for a $1.2 million shared jackpot.

The filming for the show is over, but Sisk can't yet reveal how much weight he's lost. His goal is to get down to 250 pounds. The show premieres tonight at 8 p.m., central time.

Sisk said he now applies the disciplines of his faith to his health.

"This whole show, this whole concept, the whole process was a time for me to step back in order to be the man I need to be."

That's great Shane. Just, please, don't step back onto me.


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Streaming Judaism, Fat March, Christian humor, satire, humor