A tribute to Mike Yaconelli

Longtime Door contributor Siarlys Jenkins sent us a tip that the ThinkChristian.net blogger Mike Atkinson posted a tribute to Wittenburg Door founder Mike Yaconelli on what would have been his 65th birthday.

It contains a video clip from Yac's speeches at several National Youth Workers Conventions.

Check it out.

Beastie: Quaffle-pocking the Antichrist

Author J. K. Rowling is getting constant media exposure these days with the double release of the final Harry Potter novel and another Harry Potter film.

A debate continues in Christian circles about the possible benefits and dangers of the Potter series. Some are proposing that the novels extol Christian virtues and promote themes of redemption and self sacrifice.

Hello! These books are about a school for wizards, for heaven's sake.

Besides, I have some bad news for the "positive" crowd. There is now solid evidence that Rowling could possibly be the Antichrist spoken of in the Book of Revelation. Just picture thousands of kids standing in line outside a bookstore to get the Mark of the Beast on their foreheads and you'll realize the seriousness of the situation.

Let's look at the evidence. Rowling is a member of the Church of Scotland. She once said, "I believe in God, not magic" and cites C. S. Lewis as an influence. Early on she felt that if readers knew of her Christian beliefs, they would be able to "guess what is coming in the books."

Poppycock. Everyone knows England is a country teeming with demonic activity, and has been for centuries. Their funny accents alone should be reason for wariness.

Some insist that the Potter books are getting kids interested in reading again. But do we really want children seeking out books on their own--ones that their elders haven't approved--and roaming around libraries and bookstores unsupervised? Unbridled imagination and curiosity can be a dangerous thing.


That's why I decided to collect as much information as I could about Rowling, Potter, Hogwarts et al and feed it into the Beastie machine.

Initially I was stymied. Combinations of "J. K. Rowling" and "Harry Potter" produced nothing. The machine was silent for "Avada Kedavra" and "Voldemort." "Quidditch" produced a yawn and a sputter.

Could I have been wrong? Could the Harry Potter phenomenon actually be a good thing?

My last submission resolved the question once and for all.

Feeding in the author's initials "J. K." and then her real name "Joanne" produced a total of 140. Next I added in the euphemism for the evil Lord Voldemort, "He Who Must Not Be Named." According to the ancient Kabbalistic gematria formula, that combination "J. K. Joanne He Who Must Not Be Named" totaled 666.

Sure, the Bible says 666 is the number of "a man" but we mustn't quibble, what with the outcome of the cosmic Quidditch match hanging in the balance. Cobbing, flacking, snitchnipping and blatching are all fair in this struggle.

I say it's time to haversack this Quaffle once and for all.


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Harry Potter, Christian humor, satire, humor

Uglyband: The Almost paradox

The Almost
http://www.thealmost.com
Latest release: Southern Weather (Virgin Records/ Tooth and Nail Records)

The Almost reminds me of the classic Paradox of Zeno in which the Tortoise and Achilles prove that because distance can be infinitely divided into fractions, moving an infinite number of small intermediate distances will take forever.

In the world of style, that's what The Almost is facing.

The band includes Aaron Gillespie (lead vocals and guitar), Jay Vilardi (guitar), Alex Aponte (bass) and Kenny Bozich (drums).

Mostly we'll just talk about Gillespie. He performed all the instruments and vocals on the album. The other band members were put together for touring purposes, and they are obviously being held against their will, as the photo above clearly shows.

First let's consider Gillespie's tattoos and piercings. He has collected a tasteful montage of markings, but I noticed that his lip ring somehow migrated to his nostril from one interview to the next. Sometimes it vanishes entirely. This is confusing to fans. They want to look at a certain body part and find the piece of bling they expect, not have to interrupt their reverie to formulate mental questions like "where'd that ring go?"

In the wardrobe department, the most troubling accessory is the white belt. He seems to wear it with every outfit. Maybe this is the only belt he has. Maybe it's a special "good luck" belt. Whatever it is, it needs to go. Even suspenders would be an improvement.

The "regular guy" look of '70s track suit, T-shirts and jeans can only hold him back from bigger things. To break out of the pack, you need some flash. This is what The Almost lacks.

In the public relations area, The Almost has not been well coached.

In one interview, Gillespie reveals he's inspired by his Seattle-based producer Aaron Sprinkle. “And it turns out we have a lot in common. He wears a lot of hats and plays every instrument."

[Hats! That's what Gillespie needs. Where are the hats?]

Imagination? He'll never be another Dylan with song titles like Everyone Here Smells Like A Rat and I Mostly Copy Other People, two tracks from the album.

Personal charisma? Here's a sample of Gillespie's interview style:

Have you ever looked in the mirror and seen someone else?
Aaron: Most days I do.
What do you guys do with your friends when you’re on tour?
Aaron: This, [being interviewed] hang out, talk, light stuff on fire.
Jay: Eat...Burn stuff.
Aaron: With fire.
What is one thing that would make you want to give up performing?
Aaron: If I killed people when I did it.
If you could take one Disney character with you on tour who would you take and why?
Aaron: "I’d probably take Piglet because that’s my nickname and it just seems obvious. I used to be really fat, and people started calling me that a long time ago."

Free pointer: Never, ever get people to call you Piglet. Look at what happened to Elton John.

As a Christian musician, Gillespie of course has a faith testimony:

"We all believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and rose three days later. That’s what I believe in every aspect of my life. Being a husband, being a father (if I was a father), being a banker, being a musician, whatever I do I want to follow Christ the best I can to emulate his life."

A banker? Was this a Freudian slip? Unless you tighten up your public persona, Aaron, you won't be in the music business much longer, let alone making deals in the boardroom.

But don't despair. With the proper guidance and maybe a subscription to GQ, all is not lost.



Technorati Tags: The Almost,
Christian humor, satire, humor

God himself couldn't sink this ship!

This YouTube video (8:15 long) is a mashup of a Jack Chick evangelistic scare tract and the Academy Award-winning film Titanic. Turn that over in your mind for a minute.

Anyway, see if you can figure where these folks are coming from. I can't. It's actually a pretty effective presentation of the cost of unbelief, in a scary fundamentalist sort of way. But on the other hand, the Titanic's orchestra plays Metallica's Enter Sandman instead of Nearer My God to Thee. Viewers seem generally confused, judging from the comments. Some are mad because the clip makes fun of Jesus. Others are mad because it makes fun of Titanic their favorite movie. Still others are mad because it makes light of a disaster. Yea, verily, others are mad because it wasn't funny or because the heaven/hell part either scared them or brought them down.

All in all, an interesting take on that mesmerizing and maddening cultural phenomenon, the Jack Chick tract.

UPDATE: Watch eight more short "Chick flicks" here.

(via Boing Boing again)


Technorati Tags: Titanic, Christian humor, satire, humor

Glavlok: The Dragon who Behaved

The latest Harry Potter book and movie have given a higher media profile to the Christian fantasy fiction book market.

Parents are looking for a "safe" alternative to the secular fantasy worlds that often include gore and witchcraft, moral grey areas, depth of character development and thought-provoking themes. The Christian "speculative fiction" niche was developed to meet this need.

The new Christian fantasy tome Glavlok: The Dragon who Behaved is being pushed as the best alternative this season. Author Lance Wainwright, who writes under the pseudonym Jefferson Plotz (which itself is a nom de plume for his real identity as Bob Anderson, copywriter for a Lutheran ad agency in Minneapolis) says he's glad his stories are getting wider attention.

Glavlok, part of the "Naughty Dragon" series, begins when a boy discovers a musty journal written by Glavlok, a dragon-in-training. It mostly consists of Glavlok's inner struggles with the desire to toast innocent villagers with his super-heated breath, fight the human authorities sent to stop him, and accumulate stolen treasure in his cave lair. Several of the chapters are merely punishment assignments by his mentor/trainer-- for example, 500 repetitions of the sentence, "I will not wreak havoc."

"These stories help reinforce moral teachings while at the same time giving adolescent readers the adventure and action they crave," Wainwright said.

Wainwright's next book series, he said, will push the envelope somewhat. It's titled Lackula: The Vampire Who Didn't Suck.

That, um, remains to be seen.



Technorati Tags: Harry Potter, Christian humor, satire, humor

I am woman in ministry, hear me roar

The second annual “State of Women in Baptist Life” report, released by Baptist Women in Ministry found only 117 women serving as senior pastors of congregations of Southern Baptist heritage. “Some of those are just recently discovered by our research,” said Pam Durso, one of report's authors.

Hmm. That's interesting. Were they, uh, hiding?

Is this the beginning of a movement? Are Southern Baptist pastors all over the country starting to come out of the closet, stand up and declare they are women?

"It was hard all those years. The self-deception. Putting on a facade for the congregation, and even my family," said Pat Priddy, senior pastor of Worthington Heights Baptist Church in Crankville, Ky. "One day I looked in the mirror and saw, not a highly skilled, competent manager, motivator, executive and counselor, but a girl who just needed some affirmation and a shopping day at the mall. That's when I made the decision. Now I proudly mark the 'female' checkbox on all my submission forms, and I'm not looking back-- even if it means a decrease in pay."

We agree, Pat:
There is nothin' like a dame,
Nothin' in the world,
There is nothin' you can name
That is anythin' like a dame!
--South Pacific



Technorati Tags: Baptist Women in Ministry, Christian humor, satire, humor

Rollin' with Jesus

Jesus Wheels from KID DEUCE's photostream on Flickr, via Boing Boing. For your low rider. (If you look closely, there's a "Dogs Who Know the Lord" subliminal in there, too).

One Alex Whittemore comments: "Clearly you've never been to a Latin American country like Guatemala. It's as if Jesus personally invented the automobile."

Perhaps he did, Alex. Perhaps he did.


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Jesus wheels, Christian humor, satire, humor

Jesus Action Figure?

This 43-second YouTube clip is totally offensive, but who's to say the Jesus Action Figure won't show up at your local Christian bookstore and gift shop next week? Might even be there now. Anything's possible these days.

It's revealing as a metaphor. How far will we go to turn the gospel story inside out in the name of connecting with "seekers." How far removed is this fake ad from a Passion of the Christ full-length film? Aren't they both selling Jesus? Watch and discuss.

Walk on Water Action! The Holy Grail accessory comes in the box. (Cross not included).

UPDATE: Now Wal-Mart's in on the action.


Technorati Tags: Jesus Action Figure, Christian humor, satire, humor

Tammy Faye on Larry King

Tammy Faye Messner will be interviewed on CNN's Larry King Live, Thursday, July 19 at 9 p.m. ET.

This may be her last public appearance, because Tammy Faye is fading away. King's promotional blurb says cancer has gotten her "down to 65 pounds."

She was diagnosed with colon cancer in the mid-'90s, it spread to her lungs in 2004 and is now inoperable. Treatment was stopped in May.

Her appearance on the show is sure to offer a fascinating and poignant study in how a Word-Faith, name-it-and-claim-it teacher confronts the paradox of her own deteriorating physical health.

As late as March of this year she was claiming healing:

Everyday I claimed “I AM GETTING WELL”! And I BELIEVED that with all my heart! P.S. I will not use the word remission! It’s a doubt word! That, in my opinion, says the cancer could come back. I say the cancer is GONE! I have NO MORE cancer. I refuse to give it permission to come back!

Since the scandals of the late 1980s, when former husband Jim Bakker was sent to prison and their PTL Club empire collapsed, Tammy Faye has become a more sympathetic character. The Eyes of Tammy Faye, a film in theaters in 2000, portrayed her as a "flawed but sincere and well-meaning -- and, in her own way, gifted -- woman whose endless tribulations, flamboyant makeup ...and affection for the gay community has more recently made her something of a gay icon," according to a review in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. "A kind of Bible-thumping Auntie Mame."

A followup documentary that aired in 2005, Tammy Faye: Death Defying, chronicled her battle with the cancer. As one reviewer put it, "it’s impossible not to be charmed by a woman so in love with life that after her death she wants to be cremated and her ashes put in maracas."

We'll join her fans in praying for her healing-- not as something she has a "right" to "claim," but as a grace gift from God... as it always is.

UPDATE: Tammy Faye died July 20.

Technorati Tags: Tammy Faye Messner, Christian humor, satire, humor

Divine Intermittent Explosive Disorder?

Confidential Psychiatric Evaluation
By Dr. Jerold L. Adams
Institute of Hermeneutical Psychiatry
Nashville, Tenn.

Subject: God

Sources: Personal interviews; dictated writings covering several thousand years; Independent reports from coworkers; world history; current events.

Interview: We were surprised when God-- with no previous history of psychiatric problems--checked himself into our facility July 12. He told us he felt he had a problem and, being the plumbline of moral righteousness, knew He should seek help.

"I'm just tired of all the anger," he confessed. "The Katrina thing, the tsunami. Wars and rumors of wars. It feels like it's getting out of hand," he said. "And you know how disturbing that can be for an omnipotent and omniscient being. Well, maybe you don't."

He related a long history of angry and jealous outbursts, from the Flood, to Sodom and Gomorrah, to the plagues of the Exodus, to the destruction of Jerusalem. "I even shriveled up the plant that was shading Jonah... just to make a point. I must have been out of my gourd."

Despite these examples of acting out, God acknowledged he has a reputation for long suffering and mercy. But sometimes, he says, he just snaps.

Diagnosis: Intermittent Explosive Disorder. A new diagnosis, it afflicts more than 10 million men in America enough to actually make them physically sick, according to a recent Harvard study.

Prescription: 200,000 (no, better make that 2 million) mg of Depakote, an anticonvulsant to raise the threshold for anger outbursts. Twice daily (and none of that "one day is as a thousand years" stuff).



Technorati Tags: Divine Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Christian humor, satire, humor

Paleo-Pope-ology

Russian scientists announced the discovery of a superbly preserved baby mammoth carcass more than 10,000 years old. It had been frozen in the Siberia permafrost and was discovered by a reindeer herder.

In other paleontological news, Pope Benedict XVI (seen in his Indiana Jones fossil-hunting attire at right) announced the discovery of two aging Roman Catholic doctrines. One, the Latin Mass, was pulled from the musty file drawers of the Vatican and reissued last week for those that want it. The other, reasserting the universal primacy of the Roman Catholic Church, was unearthed July 10 from the rubble of the Second Vatican Council. It says Orthodox churches are defective and that other Christian denominations are not true churches.

The scientific and religious communities were overjoyed by all these discoveries.

"We're sure that with only small amounts of viable DNA from the primacy document, we can resurrect a theological climate similar to, oh, somewhere close to the late Middle Ages, if not better." a prominent geneticist told BBC news.

Technorati Tags: Pope Benedict XVI, Christian humor, satire, humor

Supersize that pancake breakfast?

According to a new Cornell University study, highly religious people were the least likely to think of themselves as fat. In fact, they often thought they were thinner than they actually were.

Researcher Karen Kim speculates that religion "encourages self-worth beyond the body" and protects people from the ideal body imagery that pervades popular culture.

Uh, let's read that again: "They often thought they were thinner than they actually were." In other words, these people really were fat. They were just lying about it to themselves.

This may correlate with another recent study by the Gallup organization that showed trust in organized religion was the lowest in 36 years.

I mean, how can people trust us about eternal truth when we don't even know if we're fat or not?

Come on, say it with me: "I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat."

Shout it from the rooftops.

Now that we've cleared up that physical delusion, our spiritual condition might actually come into focus, too.

One day at a time.



Technorati Tags: obesity,
Christian humor, satire, humor

TV: Holly Hunter's Saving Grace

I can't tell whether the new TNT series Saving Grace starring Holly Hunter will be a fresh take on spirituality or a repeat of humans being inappropriately touched and pawed over by an angel.

Turner Broadcasting describes the series as "a cynical Oklahoma City police detective facing a personal crisis of divine proportions." Grace Hanadarko (Hunter) chain-smokes, pops pills, drives recklessly, drinks heavily and sleeps around. One night, driving drunk, she drives right through a man walking along the road. Grace asks for help, and she gets it, in the form of an angel named Earl.

Earl tells Grace that she is in trouble and running out of chances, and wants to guide her back to the right path.

Hunter has interacted with angels before. In Always (1989), Richard Dreyfuss plays a fire-fighting pilot who dies after saving the life of his best friend. His girlfriend (Hunter) continues to mourn for him. Dreyfuss returns to earth as an invisible angel, instructed by an another angel in white, played by Audrey Hepburn.

Not sure about Hunter's religious affiliation, but she's had some roles recently with some spiritual depth. Her character in the 2003 film Levity helped Billy Bob Thornton gain redemption from a terrible crime. Thornton’s character’s refers to 12th century rabbi Maimonides who spoke of five levels to redemption. That's a good sign.

I noticed the telephone pole/Cross motif in the ads for the new show was also used in the 1999 film Jesus' Son, in which Hunter had a small role as an eccentric woman who has suffered from dreadful things that keep happening to her husbands and has become a born-again Christian.

Um, let's see. Sarah Paulson, the actress who plays Christian character Harriet Hayes on Studio 60, does a great Holly Hunter impression. There's a connection.

I even discovered a Holly Hunter Church in Huntersville, N.C. I think I'm moving my membership.

What does it all mean? I guess we'll find out when Saving Grace premieres July 23. (Actually, my rabbit-ears don't pick up cable TV, so... somebody tell me how it turns out, OK?)



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Saving Grace, Christian humor, satire, humor

Pretzles and beer offered unto idols?

Sammy Sosa of the Texas Rangers hit his 600th home run a couple of weeks ago. But there was that nagging question about the steroids scandal, and whether his statistics reflect a "level playing field" or one tipped in his favor through the use of drugs.

But is baseball ignoring even more powerful influences on the game?

For instance, what is Major League Baseball's position on the use of supernatural entities to gain advantage on the playing field?

Superstition has always been part of baseball. But something new seems to be going on. A recent article in the Chicago Tribune about Chicago White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen discusses his involvement in Santeria, a Caribbean-based religion similar to voodoo. It's described as "a largely misunderstood Afro-Cuban spiritual tradition that incorporates the worship of orisha, 'multidimensional beings who represent the forces of nature,' with beliefs of the Yoruba and Bantu people of Africa and elements of Roman Catholicism."

Among those who have acknowledged their devotion are Angels pitcher Francisco Rodriguez and Florida Marlins third baseman Miguel Cabrera --both Venezuelan--and the White Sox's Cuban-born pitcher Jose Contreras, all of whom have been All-Stars and won World Series rings. Others, such as Cincinnati Reds shortstop Alex Gonzalez and Chicago Cubs infielder Ronny Cedeno, have experimented with it.

"It's something beautiful," said Contreras, who became a babalao, or Santeria high priest, before defecting from Cuba in 2002. "And it helps me a lot. It gives me peace and tranquillity, but more than that."

And don't forget about all the Christian players who give credit to the God of the Judeo-Christian tradition when they win. In fact, some ball clubs are sponsoring "Faith Nights." Fans who pay an extra $10 will be able to stay after the game and visit booths from Christian colleges and shops, meet Veggie Tales characters and hear a concert by Christian bands.

This all seems tremendously unfair. What about the outfielder who, as a nominal believer, attends church only on Christmas and Easter; or the secularist third baseman; or even the atheist shortstop?

After all, hitting a 90-mile-per-hour fastball is hard enough without having to dodge lightning bolts or sorcery from multi-dimensional beings.

As Yogi Berra once said: "Baseball is ninety percent mental, and the other half is physical.” Today he might have thrown in some percentage points for "supernatural."

Ah, well. You're right, Yogi. “The future ain't what it used to be.”



Technorati Tags:
Sammy Sosa, Christian humor, satire, humor