Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Uglyband: Zao's new look


Zao
Latest release: The Fear is What Keeps Us Here, Ferret Records
Website: www.zaoonline.com

This Christian "metalcore" band from Greensburg, Penn., has been around since 1993, so I was surprised I'd never heard of them. Their myspace page is scary, and as I looked around for a photo of the band, the song The Buzzing played in the background. It did indeed sound like the lead singer was ripping his throat out with a buzz saw. But that, I suppose, reflects the essence of the genre.

The only group photo I could find was the one on the cover of the latest CD (above). It is a stunningly evocative scene. The band members are draped in simple white sheets resembling the Muslim burqa. They surround a similar figure draped in black, obviously representing their agent at Ferret Records. The message remains obscure, but the depiction is remarkable.

The bold and dramatic unisex look this portrays represents a significant departure for a heavy metal group of any persuasion, but especially one with a Christian background. The clean, ethereal image is in contrast to the scalding sound of the music contained in the CD. Stylistically, the choice was perfect.

This could very well influence the look of Christian groups across the spectrum from pop to contemporary to gospel. Zao's identity-erasing metalcore burqa could go a long way in dispelling the impression that Christian musicians are mostly in it for their ego.

They might find it hard to play their instruments, though.

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: Zao Metalcore, Christian humor, satire, humor

Monday, November 26, 2007

Watch your mouth

Today's blasphemy round-up:
In England, a group called Christian Voice wants to bring a case against the director general of the BBC and the producer of the award-winning musical Jerry Springer--The Opera for blasphemous libel. The offense carries a maximum sentence of life imprisonment. They say the opera portrays Jesus as a "coprophiliac sexual deviant."

(They should take a few pointers from the real professionals. In Sudan, British primary school teacher Gillian Gibbons has been arrested for insulting Islam's Prophet by letting her class of 7-year-olds name a teddy bear Mohammad).


Future blasphemy round-up:
No one has charged David Heriot yet with blasphemy, but he plans to direct The Aquarian Gospel, a story of Jesus' missing years from ages 13 to 30. Heriot previously directed the self-help motivational documentary The Secret. [Now there's some actual blasphemy] The Aquarian Gospel will trace Jesus' journeys from Israel through India, Tibet, Persia, Greece and Egypt as he encounters people of all creeds, classes and faiths. Modern-day spiritual leaders will fill cameo roles, portraying prominent historical and religious figures that Jesus encountered.

In the same vein, German filmmaker Robert Sigl's The 13th Disciple will trace the journey of two German archaeologists looking for evidence that Jesus visited India. They find Jesus had an evil twin brother who is reincarnated in the present as the scheming head of a religious sect.

Heriot's plans seem most troubling to me. Will he cast Benny Hinn as Zaccheus? The Dalai Lama as his own previous incarnation? I don't know... Just don't let Shirley MacLaine play Mary Magdelene. That would be a crime.

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: Blasphemy, Christian humor, satire, humor

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Amazing: With reform like this, who needs oppression?

A 19-year-old woman in Saudi Arabia was gang raped by seven men in 2006. This month, a court sentenced the men to prison terms of two and nine years. Then, the judges sentenced the woman to receive 200 lashes and six months in prison for "being alone with an unrelated man." Then her lawyer was taken off the case and disciplined for talking to the media. And this is all after King Abdullah INITIATED AN OVERHAUL OF THE JUDICIAL SYSTEM.

Via Dolorosa in Dongguan
Crucifixes thought to be mass produced in Italy turn out to be made in sweatshops in China, where the girls work 15-hour days, seven days a week for 26 cents an hour with no time off. The women live in filthy dorms and are fed a watery slop, according to a report by the National Labor Committee. New York churches where the crucifixes are sold have removed them from their gift shops. The crosses have been exhibited at an annual trade show organized by the Association for Christian Retail, a Colorado-based trade association that works with thousands of religious stores across the country.
Apparently the Chinese are moving the crucifix from it's modern use as an item of devotional interior design back to it's original purpose as an instrument of torture and shame.

'The (other) nations are as a drop in a bucket'
After massive new oil reserves were discovered off the coast of Brazil, Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva announced that the discovery proves "God is Brazilian." This should not be surprising, because Brazilians have long claimed on the basis of their rich natural resources that God shares their nationality.
Luckily for the rest of us, dual citizenship has been permitted in Brazil without restriction since 1994.

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: Saudi Rape, Christian humor, satire, humor

Monday, November 19, 2007

Bury a statue, sell your home!

With foreclosures increasing, and the housing market stalled, some people have rediscovered an old Catholic tradition-- burying a statue of St. Joseph on property you want to sell. For $9.95 you can get a 4-inch statue of Joseph, the husband of Mary and the patron saint of home and family, and a kit that explains the history and proper orientation of the statue, a "Protective Plastic Burial Bag," instructions on where to bury it, etc.

St. Jo becomes your virtual "underground real estate agent." You don't even have to be Catholic.

One apocryphal story tells how someone threw the statue in the trash, and the next week the town dump was sold. Gosh!

But homeowners need to exhibit caution about which statues they bury.

--Let's say I bury a statue of John Calvin. If the house doesn't sell, was it probably predestined not to?

--If I bury a statue of Jan Hus in my yard, will my house burst into flames?

--If I bury a statue of Jimmy Carter, will Habitat for Humanity arrive to build me a new garage?

--If I bury a statue of Korah— the guy who rebelled against Moses and was destroyed when the earth opened up and swallowed him and his followers (Numbers 16)— will my yard turn into a big bottomless gravel pit?

Even more unexpected problems can arise by burying statues of The Buddha, Stalin and Vaclav Havel.

All in all, it's best to leave these kinds of things to experienced professionals.


We've covered this before, but thanks to Metafilter for the latest version.

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: St. Joseph Statues, Christian humor, satire, humor

Cult goes off its medication

At least 30 members of a Russian doomsday cult have barricaded themselves in a remote cave to await the end of the world and are threatening to commit suicide if police intervene.

According to a report by Reuters, they are hidden inside a snow-covered hillside in the Penza region of central Russia. The group--which includes four children-- believes the world will end sometime in May next year.

Their 43-year-old leader, Pyotr Kuznetsov, has been sleeping in a coffin for the last few months and did not join them in the cave. Authorities say he has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Police took Kuznetsov to the cave to persuade his followers to come out but without success.

(This, of course, is not a funny situation. But wouldn't a bunker-busting canister of Wellbutrin be in order here?)

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: Russian Doomesday Cult, Christian humor, satire, humor

Saturday, November 17, 2007

The Master's Four Hour Work Week

The speaker --touted in the media as the trendiest motivational life coach of the moment-- sat cross-legged before his disciples as they waited to catch his first words. This was supposed to be a seminar on time management and life changing insight into the quality of living. There were all kinds of people here too-- sales executives, ministers, politicians, CEOs and even some "creative" types and people off the street.

But why were we all sitting on the ground?

Someone whispered that the guy had taken all the management and how-to knowledge of the past 1,500 years (and possibly of the future, too, if you buy into the spiritual stuff) and distilled it into a few succinct statements that could rearrange your priorities forever. If he wanted us to sit on the ground, that was fine.

The speaker lifted his hand and the buzzing died down.

"Point No. 1," said the speaker, gazing at his audience. "Swear not."

There was silence for a full 30 seconds.

What the ... is that it? I hate these 'zen' kind of things speakers do.

A hand went up. "What do you mean by swearing? " asked an earnest-looking minister.

"I mean, don't promise anything, and you'll never disappoint or be disappointed. Let your yea be yea and leave it at that. Never have a goal. People will understand--in fact they'll thank you for it, they'll be free of expectations, so will you, and everybody will get more done."

There was some nodding, but it was clear no one was really getting it.

"Point No. 2. Don't lay up treasures here on earth."

There was furious whispering among the group. A man in a blue sports jacket raised his hand.

"I'm pretty sure that would wreck the economy. I mean, the banking industry would crumble and we'd be in a Depression for sure. Maybe if you elaborated a little..."

"Point No. 3. Take no thought for your life."

Now there was real buzzing. One elderly gentleman got to his feet and walked away. Finally someone asked, "If we took no thought for our lives, we'd probably never even come to a seminar like this."

"Now you're getting the idea," the speaker said. "Which brings us to point No. 4. Love your enemies."

The tension seemed to break and the crowd relaxed. Surely he was joking. Maybe this whole meeting was some kind of reality TV show set-up. A few started looking around for the cameras.

A harried looking woman executive motioned to speak.

"Sir, I'm sorry, but we expected some direction in how to live. Like... maybe you could evaluate our "lifestyle quotient." I actually brought some notes on what my dream lifestyle might be. Aren't you going to explain about how we need to take a mini-retirement and outsource our lives?"

"Actually, that was going to be my final teaching today. Point No. 5. Die to yourself."

The effect was as if he had adjourned the meeting. Several people got up and left. One rich young man protested: "Come on, that's not a mini-vacation, that's a permanent vacation... forever. You can't be serious."

"As a heart attack," the Master deadpanned.

As the space around him emptied, a bird landed on the tree branch to his left. He smiled and thought to himself, "A prophet has no honor in his own country. Must be time to move on."

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Warren is 2007 'Sexiest Preacher Alive'


The Wittenburg Door has released its choice for 2007 Sexiest Preacher Alive, and it's Rick Warren, the 50-something, seeker-friendly love god of evangelicalism.

[Renowned British pulpiteer Charles Haddon Spurgeon was actually The Door's first choice, but, although sexy and a preacher, Spurgeon failed to meet the "alive" requirement. Plus, he has over-the-top facial hair.]

The Door contest goes one step beyond People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive poll by factoring in proficiency in Greek and Hebrew along with raw animal magnetism.

A Closet Clothes Horse

Don't let Rick Warren's disheveled Hawaiian shirt and receding hairline fool you. Although he says his idea of fashion is wearing "clothes that don't itch," Warren is a style-conscious clothes horse in his off hours. He can often be seen dressed to the nines, dazzling the ladies all over Saddleback Valley and on any Thursday night at the Cheesecake Factory in Mission Viejo. (He gets most of his fine Giorgio Armani suits at the Saks Fifth Avenue over at The Shops, we hear. Never wears 'em to church, though).

Christianity Today once said Warren has a "shapeless, middle-aged body." But that was back in 2003. He's been working out since then. Really.

The Hermeneutical Hunk

For a while this hermeneutical hunk had that spiked hair thing going, which the ladies love. It also helps that, as The Boston Globe reported, he's "a hugger, embracing even the most casual of acquaintances." Touchy-feely definitely raises a preacher's hotness quotient. (Although too much touchy-feely can raise his police mug-shot quotient).

Warren's post-modern, emergent, smoldering sensuality seems almost purposely driven. Staying on top of the latest youth trends is one way he keeps his mojo going. Like when he had his quotes all over the Starbucks cups. Brilliant.

omg lol xoxo j/k

And Warren was the first to jump on the Christian ringtone/ wallpaper franchise, bringing faith-based content to cell phones, something no one had realized they needed before. It started a revolution of Kuhnian proportians. Now when thousands of Christian young women pull out their i-Phones, their hearts go pitter-pat to see Rick behind their waiting text messages.

Power is sexy. So having dreamboat and political heavyweight Barak Obama join him in the pulpit last year only added to the megachurch pastor's charismatic appeal.

We all know preaching sexual abstinence can certainly make hearts grow fonder--all that talk about self restraint naturally increases the libido. But if --in addition--you've received a clean bill of health for sexual disease, well...the ladies are all over you like a rash. Let us explain....

Ricks' Hottest Moment

Ricks' Hottest Moment was being tested for AIDS. Back in December 2005, during Saddleback Church’s "Disturbing Voices" HIV/AIDS conference, Rick Warren underwent testing for the HIV virus (see top photo). Though Warren claimed he had never engaged in at-risk behaviors like marital infidelity or drug use, tension built during the 20-minute wait for the results. It was negative, and wife Kay was ecstatic: “That deserves a kiss.”

Smokin'! Oh, be still my fluttering heart! Rick Warren--Sexiest Preacher Alive, hands down. Need we say more?

UPDATE: Hillary Clinton has confirmed she'll attend Warren's Global Summit on AIDS, Nov. 17-Dec. 1 at his church. Told ya he was hot.

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: Rick Warren Sexiest Preacher, Christian humor, satire, humor

Islamic superheroes bridge cultures


Meet Jabbar the Powerful, a Hulk-like strong man. And Noora the Light, who can create holograms. Not to mention Darr the Afflicter, who wields powerful pain waves. One hero, the Hidden, wears a burqa. They're all part of The 99, Muslim superheroes created by Kuwait-based Teshkeel Comics. The comic, already sold throughout the Middle East, hit the U.S. last month.


Although Islam, Allah and the Koran are not mentioned, the comic's back story is drawn from Arab history. It's based on the destruction of Baghdad's libraries by invading Mongols in 1258. Ancient wisdom was saved from the invaders and hidden in 99 jewels--analogous to the 99 names or attributes of God-- which were scattered throughout the world. The comic heroes each incorporate one of those attributes.

Creator Naif Al-Mutawa told Religion News Service he hopes the comics can help bridge cultures. But the storyline will be sensitive to Islamic traditions. "The 99," he said, "won't be dating each other."

This is cool. I'm waiting for a Baptist alternative, but a comic based on the 99 attributes of a good Wednesday night potluck supper might lack narrative punch.

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: The 99, Christian humor, satire, humor

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Give Vatican, Star Trek caskets this Christmas


The busiest shopping days of the year are approaching, and many of you are looking for an object that perfectly expresses your feelings for a friend or loved one.

Don't neglect their final hours. A company called Eternal Image can help with "funerary products that celebrate the passions of life."

They offer Precious Moments, Major League Baseball and Cat Fanciers' themes, but those are so 2003. We like two new themes that turn our thoughts to the heavens.

The Vatican Library line represents the first urns and caskets to ever be sanctioned by the Vatican Library. Each includes a Certificate of Authenticity bearing the official Vatican Library Collection seal.

The caskets are "made from a proprietary composite (our own formula) that will not rot," so your loved one will sleep peacefully-- just as if he or she were resting in St. Peter's Basilica.

(Question: Is anybody ever gonna protest at the memorial service, "Hey, that's not a genuine Vatican Library casket. Where's your certificate!" And it's made with a "proprietary composite?" OK, plastic coffins are good. )

The Star Trek-themed ash urns and caskets are "reminiscent of the 24th- century styling of the United Federation of Planets and Starfleet. The styling has been inspired by the popular 'Photon Torpedo' design seen in STAR TREK II: The Wrath of Khan. "

(Wasn't that the movie where Spock's coffin was launched into space and some unstable "proto-matter" set off the Genesis Effect that started that planetary regeneration thing, and he came back to life, and...?)

Oh well. Kitsch, the final frontier.

Via Boing Boing

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: Vatican Star Trek Caskets, Christian humor, satire, humor

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Pondering a ban on 'hammer boarding'

The envoy from the emperor sat with Pontius Pilate, prefect of the Province of Judea, at a low wooden table. They were joined by a representative from King Herod's palace, several specialists on Judean culture who advised the prefecture, and an observer from the office of Caiaphas the High Priest.

"The subject of our meeting is crucifixion, or as the crowd is calling it, "hammer boarding," Pilate announced. "There has been an outcry by some that the practice is not worthy of a civilized people and possibly ineffective. Some feel the practice may cause us more trouble in the long run. But are there any options?"

Herod's representative spoke first. "Of course it's something none of us likes to apply. It's messy, and requires at least two centuries of soldiers to maintain order during the crucifixion of even a little known bandit. And remember the trouble we had with the Messiah figure. But for special cases it's very effective in humiliating the prisoner and crushing the spirit of any of his supporters."

The envoy from Rome motioned to speak. "Roman policy is clear. Although local conditions may require adjustments, the Empire is behind crucifixion across the board. I don't know what we would have done without it during that Spartacus episode."

The Judean culture specialist cleared his throat.

"Yes, Stephanos, you have something?" Pilate asked.

"Sir, the problem is that ever since the Judean pseudo-messiah Jesus reportedly was 'raised from the dead' a few years ago, the fear factor of crucifixion is in flux. Especially among his supporters, it just doesn't carry the ooh--eee-ooh scariness that it used to. Some of them now don't even seem afraid when they're rounded up. All I'm saying is, maybe we need to try some different tactics."

"I'm sorry," the emperial envoy cut in. "A discussion like this would be fine during times of peace, prosperity and political stability. But these are days of turmoil. Enemies of Rome push at our borders. Treachery lurks even among our citizens. 'Hammer boarding' as you call it is one way we've kept control all these years. It's a national security issue. I'm afraid this council is over."

"Well," sighed Pilate. "I'm glad this decision wasn't put on my plate, at least. I'm washing my hands of the whole thing."

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: Water Boarding, Christian humor, satire, humor

O. J. Simpson! Nude!

Since we've been in launch mode for our new Wittenburgdoor.com website, I've been searching for a topic that will bring in the most hits and generate lots of interactive comments. After digging into scientific web surveys, search engine results and reams of site logs--in other words, delving into the very soul of America-- everything is pointing to two terms: " O. J. Simpson" and "nude."

Some folks considered the O. J. trial a sort of mass religious event. And in fact , there were some religious aspects to the hoopla. His longtime girlfriend, Paula Barbieri, became a Christian and broke off their relationship the morning of the murders. Megachurch pastor Rick Warren was reported to have visited Simpson in his prison cell. The publisher of Simpson's book If I Did It turns out to be a "fine Christian man" according to press reports. And Simpson has endorsed Hillary Clinton-- a Methodist-- for president.

But that's where the religious angle stops. And, unfortunately, there are no combined "nude" O. J. Simpson references to talk about. (Would we really want any?)

So, I suppose my quest for a posting that will draw billions of hits is a big bust.

Now-- if I only had a conspiracy theory that linked Pamela Anderson, Dragonball and the Sept. 11 attacks. Stay tuned.

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: O J Simpson Nude Pamela Anderson Dragonball Sept. 11 Attacks, Christian humor, satire, humor

Monday, November 12, 2007

Iran redefines social security, overcoats

Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has begun a "ferocious crackdown" on un-Islamic behaviour and dress, according to the BBC. Khamenei is calling it a "social security plan."

Earlier this year, the first part of a carrot-and-stick approach kicked in as fashion houses offered women more stylish Islamic clothing to choose from. Apparently that didn't work, so the stick has come out.

Now the police are warning they will deal seriously with any women who dare to wear short trousers, skimpy overcoats or skirts that are revealingly transparent or have slits in them.

I understand completely. At our Baptist youth camp, mixed bathing and shorts were strictly forbidden for much the same reason. Skimpy overcoats are especially dangerous. That's where real trouble can start, and it's a slippery slope thereafter.

Here's how the usual, sad pattern probably develops in Iran:

A girl goes out with a skimpy overcoat. She gets cold. She complains to her boyfriend through the accompanying chaperon. Her boyfriend asks the chaperon to warm her up. Soon she, the boyfriend and the chaperon are all under a big blanket where anything can happen.
Luckily, Iran’s Islamic penal system still follows tried and true sentencing guidelines for petty crimes, such as amputation of limbs, eye gouging, stoning to death and throwing prisoners off a cliff in a sack. So we're confidant millions of Iranian women will be ordering XXX-Large, Plus-sized overcoats this winter, reasoning it's better to look like a bag lady than to end up in a sack.

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: Iran Vice Crackdown, Christian humor, satire, humor

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Decoding The Last Supper notes


An Italian composer claims to have discovered hidden musical notes encoded into Leonardo Da Vinci's painting, The Last Supper. The code involves the placement of the loaves of bread at the supper and the hands of Jesus and his apostles. If you read the notes right to left, similar to Leonardo's mirror-image writing, they produce a 40-second composition that "sounds like a requiem."

But wait.... If you read the notes in a straightforward manner—with the cutlery and the salt shakers thrown in, too—the notes sound more like Louis Armstrong's 1925 tune Yes, I'm In De Barrel.

Hear the de-coded music clip: (Requires Real Player)

(Thanks to www.jazz-on-line.com)

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: Da Vinci Music Code, Christian humor, satire, humor

New Muslim car replaces discredited model

The Malaysian carmaker Proton has announced plans to develop an "Islamic car" designed for Muslim motorists. The car could boast special features like a compass pointing to Mecca and a dedicated space to keep a copy of the Koran and a headscarf.

Presumably, the carmakers hope the Proton will replace the automobile model most associated with the Middle East, which automotive experts agree has been a public relations disaster for Muslims—the suicide car bomb.

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: Muslim Car, Christian humor, satire, humor

Swingers say churches are the real hazard

The city council of Duncanville, Texas, responding to neighbors' complaints of traffic and general unsavoriness, voted to shut down a private residential sex club known as the Cherry Pit. But the owners are not taking this lying down (the actual words of the local CBS news affiliate reporter). They're trying to raise $10,000 on their website to hire an attorney and defend the constitutionality of... uh, well... swinging.

Any sex that takes place at private parties in their large suburban home is consensual, the owners said. (And Duncanville-- a suburb of Dallas-- is a "bedroom community" after all).

The TV news folks helpfully explained that swingers are people who are "open minded about their sexual partners." (Much like spadefoot toads, who recently have been observed to mate with other species).

Churchgoers are the real public hazard, the Cherry Pit owners insist.

"At 12 o'clock on Sunday, church lets out. They all flood the streets. They have to have police officers out on the street to direct traffic. There's a hazard. That causes wrecks. We don't do anything like that. We're not a nuisance... That's a nuisance," said Cherry Pit co-owner Jim Trulock.
There may be a lesson here somewhere. Why are all the churchgoers racing to get away from their place of fellowship, and the sex party folks are trying to think of excuses to hang around theirs?

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: Swingers Duncanville, Christian humor, satire, humor

Friday, November 9, 2007

Uglyband: The Myriad's style coup


The Myriad
Latest CD: You Can't Trust a Ladder
website: www.themyriad.net

The Myriad is a Christian Indie group from Washington State. There's only five of 'em, in case you're thinking their name indicates a Polyphonic Spree-like swarm.

Initially their look doesn't dazzle. But on closer examination, this is a group that believes in detail. Take a gander at the backstage photo, taken this year in Houston. Is that a tie and vest on that guy in the back? When's the last time an Indie group appeared onstage in tie and vest? Never, that's when.

From the birthplace of grunge, The Myriad is breakin' the rules and succeeding (they were all wrapped up in some MTV contest last I checked).

But there's more. On their MySpace page I noticed a prominently placed blurb for....their tailor? "DRESS FOR LESS BUT STILL IMPRESS" the text said. "Check out several companies that are sponsoring The Myriad's bid for style (and reasonably clean laundry) on the road."

That took me to the website of sidearmclothing.com and this great quote:

"I am going to hold a pistol to the head of Modern Man. But I shall not use it to kill him. Only to bring him to life." --G.K. Chesterton
Whoa! Anyway, this is an Indie band with a personal clothier. Unheard of.

One of Sidearm Clothing's t-shirts is called the Fear T. It comes with this muddled quote: "Our air filters work way, way better than FRAM (auto) filters; plus: your respiratory system is far more complex than a car's. So choose us and live cleaner. Besides, Mustard gas is no friend of yours!"

OK, the t-shirt's content is confusing, but it looks cool.

I can only applaud the musical and stylistic pursuits of The Myriad, a group at home both on the concert stage and the fashion runway. May their tribe increase.

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: The Myriad, Christian humor, satire, humor

The Mafia Ten Commandments

Police have found the Mafia "Ten Commandments" and they're pretty much like the original Mt. Sinai version, except without the God part.

The rules were among the papers of Sicilian Godfather Salvatore Lo Piccolo when he was arrested.

Under the secret Cosa Nostra code of conduct, the so-called "men of honour" must avoid bars, other gangsters' wives and girlfriends and be on time. It's all about morality. Sounds similar to the behavior rules church staff members learn in seminary.

The 10 'Mafiosi' commandments are:

1. No one can present himself directly to another of our friends. There must be a third person to do it.

2. Never look at the wives of friends.

3. Never be seen with cops.

4. Don't go to pubs and clubs.

5. Always be available for Cosa Nostra, even if your wife's about to give birth.

6. Appointments must be respected.

7. Wives must be treated with respect.

8. When asked for any information, the answer must be the truth.

9. Money cannot be appropriated if it belongs to others or to other families.

10. People who can't be part of Cosa Nostra are anyone with a close relative in the police, with a two-timing relative in the family, anyone who behaves badly and doesn't hold to moral values.
I think I saw all these before in All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten.

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: Mafia Ten Commandments, Christian humor, satire, humor

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Priest cut from Stalking with the Stars

Catholic priest David Ajemian has been arrested when he tried to attend a taping of NBC’s “Late Night With Conan O’Brien.” He's accused of stalking O'Brien and sending him threatening postcards and letters, some on parish letterhead.

When Father Ajemian was ordained in 2001, The Boston Herald described him as a “former Episcopalian who was turned on to religion partly by Federicio Fellini’s 1960 film La Dolce Vita.” The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston has placed him on leave.

Word is that Fr. Ajemian turned out to be Andy Richter disguised in a collar. He will be strapped to a board and subjected to round-the-clock interrogation by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. (Could this all be just a stunt to pump up interest while the show is in reruns during the writers' strike?)

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: Conan O'Brien Stalker, Christian humor, satire, humor

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Scientists, secular humanists lose piece of universe

Scientists have lost a chunk of the universe again, and its mass is now about 20 percent lighter than just a few years ago, when the universe was thought to be intact and safely stowed away.

"Fast electrons" apparently tricked the astrophysicists into thinking there is more hot gas out there than there really is. In plain English, they dropped the ball.

This should be bad news for Richard Dawkins and his atheist, secular humanist, logical positivist friends--not to mention the rest of us.

Things seemed to go a lot more smoothly when God was in charge and looking after things. Even in his stripped down, Deistic, cosmic watchmaker mode, this kind of thing never happened.

Actually, we should cut the lab-coated bumblers some slack.

Apparently, they've fallen victim to a version of Sod's Law, as stated in the magicians' magazine The Sphinx in 1928: "It is an established fact that in nine cases out of ten whatever can go wrong in a magical performance will do so. The great professors of the art are not immune from the malignancy of matter and the eternal cussedness of inanimate objects."

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: Richard Dawkins Universe, Christian humor, satire, humor

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

The Sprinkling of Russell Crowe

Actor Russell Crowe says he plans to be baptized in the Byzantine chapel he built on his ranch in Australia.

"I do believe there are more important things than what is in the mind of a man," he told Men's Journal. "There is something much bigger that drives us all. I'm willing to take that leap of faith."

(We should have seen this coming. He used to sing in a pub band called "30 Odd Foot Of Grunts." Now his band is called "The Ordinary Fear of God").

At any rate, here's how the ceremony will go:

Priest: "Do you renounce Satan, and all his angels, and all his works, and all his services. and all his pride?"

Crowe: "You're damn right I do. By the way, nobody told me I had to be naked."

Priest: "Yes, usually the child is naked when he's immersed in the baptismal font during the Sacrament of Chrismation. Just as we came out of our mother's womb naked, so we emerge naked out of the womb of God. C'mon, you took a class on this."

Crowe: "But I'm an adult."

Priest: "An adult? Didn't you assault that New York City hotel employee with a telephone a few years back? And what about all the bar fights? Even your publicist can't work with you because of your temper. Your actions show you have the emotional development of a six month old. Now please..."

Crowe: "I've got a Beautiful Mind to smack you into Ash Wednesday, reverend. But I got all my pugilistic urges out of me in Cinderella Man. Sure, I played a bad guy in 3:10 to Yuma, but in American Gangster I'm a crusading policeman on the side of the angels. Not only that, I banned sexy cheerleaders from my rugby league team and eliminated gambling from the sports club I own. Give me a break."

Priest: "Of course, you're right, my son. The whole emphasis of baptism is not on what we do, but on what God does. Now, if you think you can get through the 12 articles of faith in the Nicene Creed, we'll get started.

Crowe: Unleash Hell!

FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: Russell Crowe Baptism, Christian humor, satire, humor

Monday, November 5, 2007

Breakthrough in relations with Iran

Months of intense secret diplomacy between the U.S. and Iran has produced a breakthrough in relations between the two countries.

The United Sates will drop plans to impose sanctions and will remove Iran from the "Axis of Evil." In return Iran's supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has declared that the United States will no longer be referred to as "The Great Satan."

"As a reflection of our warmer feelings toward America, we will refer to the U.S. as the 'Middle Level Fallen Angel Azazel,' " explained Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. "But arrogant imperialists and Zionists should not take us for fools. At the first sign of aggression, we stand ready at a moment's notice to ratchet up the label to "Impotent Little Red Devil with Pitchfork."

The announcement was timed to coincide with the date--Nov. 5, 1979--when Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini first declared America "The Great Satan."


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Thursday, November 1, 2007

Republican hymn-sing deathmatch


Evangelicals and the Religious Right are completely confused about who to support for president, it seems.

They rightly want to know the heart of these candidates. So let's have a good old-fashioned shape-note hymn sing! There's no better way to gauge someone's religious feeling. And a contest among all the leading Republican presidential nominees would certainly narrow the field.

The choice of hymns is crucial.

Rudy Giuliani should avoid Dona Nobis Pacem Domine, which smacks of Catholicism. Instead, he could belt out a version of All Who Love and Serve Your City as a reminder of his service to the Big Apple.

Fred Thompson needs to sing Amazing Grace, if only to balance out all that Law and Order. (Preferably delivered as a duet with his lovely wife Jeri).

Ron Paul? As a Libertarian, the hymn O, Freedom is a no-brainer.

Mike Huckabee's easy, too. Just give a short rendition of Holy Holy Holy and then sit down. (Note: Maybe you shouldn't mention the word "rendition.")

How about Mitt Romney? With backup from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, he could do a great version of the traditional Mormon hymn, Praise to the Man, which extols Joseph Smith:

"Hail to the prophet, ascended to heaven.
Traitors and tyrants now fight him in vain.
Mingling with Gods he can plan for his brethren;
death cannot conquer the hero again."
(OK, OK, maybe that's not such a good choice. Good Christian Friends, Rejoice might be better).

John McCain will surely choose the 19th-century soldier's hymn Faith of Our Fathers, from which the title of his 1999 biography Faith of My Fathers was drawn. The song mentions dungeons, which should steer listeners back to his ordeal as a prisoner in Hanoi. (He should avoid the hymn There Are Many Gifts, which could refer either positively to his push for campaign finance reform or negatively to his role in the Keating Five scandal).

And, hey, why not stretch this out? Dramatically cut a candidate each week, like on American Idol or Dancing with the Stars.

If Evangelicals still can't make up their minds, they could take a cue from Acts 1:26, where the apostles drew lots to choose Matthias to replace Judas. You don't remember Matthias?

That's because he's never ... mentioned ... again.


FurlStumbleUponTechnorati Tags: Republican Candidates, Christian humor, satire, humor