Beastie: Exchange change dange-erous

The town of Reeves, La., announced that the 40-year-long stigma of having a 666 telephone exchange is ending.

The town is getting a new exchange, one without the unsavory reference to the Beast in the Book of Revelation. Residents and businesses can now change the first three digits of their phone numbers from 666 to 749.

"This is a good town. ... We're good Christian people," explained Mayor Scott Walker.

I suppose we should all be happy for the town. Who knows what might have happened if that phone exchange had remained 666? Remember what happened to Bedford Falls in It's a Wonderful Life? It became Pottersville, a town given over to it's own worst impulses, dragged down by vice, crime, corruption and unsecured sub-prime adjustable-rate mortgages.


But I fear that the townsfolk could be jumping out of the frying pan and into the infernal flames. Shouldn't they have examined this new number first? Done a little digging into its background?

As a specialist in numerical matters, I decided to do it for them.

After drinking the last of the eggnog and putting away the tinsel--tinsel can wreck highly sensitive eschatological detecting equipment-- I wheeled the Beastie Machine out of its cupboard, where I had stashed it for the holidays.

The problem as clear. The number 749 is immediately suspect because the last two digits are the square of the first. It has several liminal associations. Apple is selling the iphone in France for 749 Euros, for instance. And from other sources I knew that John of Damascus died in the year 749 A. D. He was a defender of the veneration of images and icons, a master of theology, music, philosophy, astronomy and mathematics.

Gosh, 749 veritably teems with hidden meanings.

I typed in the numerals 7-4-9 and hit the red "go" button.

The result? The Hebrew letters tet, mim and nun have the numerical value 9 + 40 + 700 = 749. The Hebrew word means "hidden." Hmm. This was going to be harder than I thought.

I tried a different approach. Who are some known Antichrist suspects and their numerological equivalents?

Immediately Bill Clinton came to mind. "William Clinton" calculates to 749 with no vowel variation. Easy.

And, hey! Line 749 in Book Six of Milton's Paradise Lost begins a description of the Chariot of Christ in the War in Heaven between God and Lucifer and his rebellious angels. We were getting closer.

But five hours later, neither the Beastie Machine nor I could put the clues together into a coherent whole.

In these trying moments, I try to find the courage to laugh in the face of despair, to sneer at catastrophe.

When I did, a word came to mind: "Dragonball." Of course.

Year 749 A.D. in the Dragonball game timeline records that "Son Goku defeats Yamcha. Muten Roshi uses the Kamehameha ("Turtle Destruction Wave") to put out the flames on Fryingpan Mountain."

The flames of Fryingpan Mountain?

My advice to the township of Reeves, La. -- find another number. It may be that by jumping out of the fire, you're actually heading right back into that frying pan.


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Punch drunk love in Bethlehem

I had a premonition of this a few days ago when I noticed CNN had mislabeled Bethlehem's Manger Square as Manger "Scare." Hmm.

In a microcosm of everything that's gone wrong in the history of the Christian church, two sects came to blows at the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem today.

It seems the Greek Orthodox and Armenian Apostolic priests were cleaning the church in preparation for the Eastern rite observance of the birth of the Prince of Peace the first week in January.

The dispute started when the Greek Orthodox contingent wanted to place a ladder over the Armenian portion. (I know that always ticks me off). Four people were wounded in the fray.

This is a mere shoving match compared to the annual brawls over at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem. In 2004, Greek and Russian Orthodox believers took offence at a door left open by members of the Franciscan order during a service. Five were injured then.

In 2002, monks from the Ethiopian Orthodox Church and the Coptic Church of Egypt--two groups which for years have been vying for control of the Jerusalem church's roof --fought over the position of a chair on the roof.

According to the BBC article, to prevent squabbling, two Muslim families have had guardianship of the key to the only entrance to the Church of the Holy Sepulchre since 1178, when they were entrusted with it by the Muslim ruler Saladin.

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Casualty in the war on Christmas?

South Church Unitarian Universalist Church in Portsmouth, N. H., had to give up its Christmas trees when someone turned in the church for apparently violating the fire code, which prohibits trees at all places of assembly.

The congregation got as riled up as it's possible for Unitarians to be.

They decided on a ceremony to “reflect on the symbolism of the trees, thank them for gracing our sanctuary for the brief time they were up, and say good-bye to them in ritual.”

There was no report on how the trees felt about that.

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Peace on Earth...

For the day after Christmas, here's Peace on Earth, a 1939 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer cartoon short subject directed by Hugh Harman about a post-apocalyptic world populated by animals.

Not exactly Planet of the Squirrels, but close. It's beautiful, creepy and sad as the animals follow the biblical command to "rebuild the waste places" from human helmets and shell casings.

It was remade in 1955, this time with jets, flamethrowers and rockets, mice instead of squirrels, and the atomic bomb instead of gas warfare.

And so it goes.

(Via Metaflter)

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Hasta La Vista, Baby Jesus

The Greatest Action Story Ever Told, a parody skit from MadTV that blends the life of Christ with Arnold Schwarzenegger's Terminator plot, aired Dec. 14, 1996, on MadTV. It manages to retain the integrity of the gospel story. And, it still rocks. It actually contains more pathos and beautiful cinematography than last year's The Nativity Story. (OK, I actually never saw that one, but I'm guessing...)

Have a merry, merry Christmas.

Oy to the World!

Composer, arranger, and non-stop serial music maker Paul Libman has scored thousands of commercials and composed for the musical theater. He wrote the annoying theme song for Jim Nayder's NPR mainstay, The Annoying Music Show.

Now he's created ex nihilo a band called The Klezmonauts to merge Christmas music and the Klezmer sound of Jewish tradition in an album of Klezmer Carols.

The album contains 10 songs —nine "traditional" tunes and one original work called Santa, Gey Gesunder Heit (Go in Good Health).

Listen to The Klezmonauts' version of Jingle Bells.

And here are more samples from the album.

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Last minute Christmas junk

You've got the tree, the lights, the ornaments, the stockings, the kid's toys, the spouse's present, Santa's cookies and hot chocolate, the special mulled wine recipe, the wood for the fireplace and Bing Crosby on the cd changer. Hmm. What's missing?

Maybe the lifesize Inflatible Nativity Scene. (Only $82)

Over at healyourchurchwebsite.com they do this annual "Twelve Days of Jesus Junk" that can really jog your memory. And disturb your sense of spiritual equilibrium.

I remembered I needed some Jesus pencil toppers as stocking stuffers. And the lifelike Jesus nativity doll was so cute I just couldn't pass it up.

Now, what's the reason for the season again? I forgot.


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