Beastie: Exchange change dange-erous

The town of Reeves, La., announced that the 40-year-long stigma of having a 666 telephone exchange is ending.

The town is getting a new exchange, one without the unsavory reference to the Beast in the Book of Revelation. Residents and businesses can now change the first three digits of their phone numbers from 666 to 749.

"This is a good town. ... We're good Christian people," explained Mayor Scott Walker.

I suppose we should all be happy for the town. Who knows what might have happened if that phone exchange had remained 666? Remember what happened to Bedford Falls in It's a Wonderful Life? It became Pottersville, a town given over to it's own worst impulses, dragged down by vice, crime, corruption and unsecured sub-prime adjustable-rate mortgages.


But I fear that the townsfolk could be jumping out of the frying pan and into the infernal flames. Shouldn't they have examined this new number first? Done a little digging into its background?

As a specialist in numerical matters, I decided to do it for them.

After drinking the last of the eggnog and putting away the tinsel--tinsel can wreck highly sensitive eschatological detecting equipment-- I wheeled the Beastie Machine out of its cupboard, where I had stashed it for the holidays.

The problem as clear. The number 749 is immediately suspect because the last two digits are the square of the first. It has several liminal associations. Apple is selling the iphone in France for 749 Euros, for instance. And from other sources I knew that John of Damascus died in the year 749 A. D. He was a defender of the veneration of images and icons, a master of theology, music, philosophy, astronomy and mathematics.

Gosh, 749 veritably teems with hidden meanings.

I typed in the numerals 7-4-9 and hit the red "go" button.

The result? The Hebrew letters tet, mim and nun have the numerical value 9 + 40 + 700 = 749. The Hebrew word means "hidden." Hmm. This was going to be harder than I thought.

I tried a different approach. Who are some known Antichrist suspects and their numerological equivalents?

Immediately Bill Clinton came to mind. "William Clinton" calculates to 749 with no vowel variation. Easy.

And, hey! Line 749 in Book Six of Milton's Paradise Lost begins a description of the Chariot of Christ in the War in Heaven between God and Lucifer and his rebellious angels. We were getting closer.

But five hours later, neither the Beastie Machine nor I could put the clues together into a coherent whole.

In these trying moments, I try to find the courage to laugh in the face of despair, to sneer at catastrophe.

When I did, a word came to mind: "Dragonball." Of course.

Year 749 A.D. in the Dragonball game timeline records that "Son Goku defeats Yamcha. Muten Roshi uses the Kamehameha ("Turtle Destruction Wave") to put out the flames on Fryingpan Mountain."

The flames of Fryingpan Mountain?

My advice to the township of Reeves, La. -- find another number. It may be that by jumping out of the fire, you're actually heading right back into that frying pan.


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