Beastie: Tales of Romney and the Evil One

I tuned in to watch the Republican presidential candidates debate last night, because I'd seen a disturbing report about Mitt Romney.

Bill Keller, a St. Petersburg, Fla., evangelist declared on his website, "If you vote for Mitt Romney you are voting for Satan." If Romney, a Mormon, becomes president, he said, it would "lead millions of souls to the eternal flames of hell."

Keller bills himself as the "Dr. Phil of Prayer" and "the next big thing in mass media religion." Howard Stern calls the guy up to have him on his radio show. Keller's ministry brings in more than $2 million annually. Now his TV show is on the i Network (formerly PAX).

So I tuned in, just in case Keller knew something no one else did. But I didn't see anything evil about Mitt Romney--at least not any more evil than the rest of the politicos.

That's when I decided to find out some more about Keller himself. Could this man be the Antichrist? These random thoughts often enter my head, but stranger things have turned up in my decades of supernatural sleuthing. Cabbages and kings, vorpal blades and hand grenades, I always say. Ya never know.

Anyway, turns out Keller has a shady background, which he disguises as part of his "testimony" on his website. In 1989 he became involved in insider trading of the stock market, was convicted, lost everything, and spent the next 2 1/2 years in federal prison. That brought him back to God, he says. He sometimes claims he doesn't solicit donations. But last year he started telling viewers donations are needed to pay off his ministries' $500,000 debt.

One unsettling aspect of Keller's media ministry, however, caught my eye. He refuses to put his programs on religious radio or TV stations. "I'll go sell shoes before I do that," Keller said.

This of course is un-American, and vaguely communistic.

He also once called Oprah Winfrey a "New Age witch." That, of course, is also un-American.

Finally, when I heard that Americans United for Separation of Church and State had asked the IRS to yank Keller's tax-exempt status for his remarks about Romney, I knew we had a live one.

So I entered all his data, hooked together all the bungie cords to the correct levers and kick-started the Beastie machine. Nothing. Clean as a whistle. Undetered, I did more research. I found one news article that included Keller's middle initial-- H. Hmm. Adding that in didn't help.

But is that "H" as innocent as it appears, I wondered? Could it stand for the word "hogmagog," a Celtic version of the biblical "Gog and Magog?"

In fact, "Hogmagog" is a Celtic solar divinity. Britain’s Megg’s Hills are named for her, and several hillside chalk effigies portray her. (One is carved into the earth at Wandlebury near Cambridge). In Scotland, New Year’s Eve is called Hogmanay or "Moon of the Hag" in her honor.

Indeed, typing in "Rev. William Hogmagog Keller" adds up to exactly 666, the number of the Beast, using the Hebrew Gamatria methods I rely on.

In my opinion, Keller just went from being a squeeky-clean televangelist to a groveling minion of the Dark Lord himself. And any thinking person would give him at least half a chance of being the Antichrist, as I have done.

So who's a New Age witch now?


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