Intelligent Design, Live Earth and the shaping of Simian behavior

By Guest Columnist Dr. Zaius,
Minister of Science, Chief Defender of the Faith

Well. Those "damn, dirty apes" have caused quite a ruckus in your human theological and scientific institutions, it seems.

I could have predicted it. Humans are always asking themselves who they are and where they come from, instead of making a difference in the here and now. From my vantage point, living in A.D. 3978 and portrayed in a 1968 film, there are more important questions.

That difficult human, Taylor, played by that difficult actor Charleton Heston, expressed it well: "Does man, that marvel of the universe, that glorious paradox who sent me to the stars, still make war against his brother? Keep his neighbor's children starving?"

I didn't understand him when he remarked, "I can't help thinking that somewhere in the universe there has to be something better than man. Has to be."

The obvious answer is "Yes, there is. Me." After all, aren't I better than him?

Anyway, the first problem I see is your human obsession with sex. As Taylor put it, "Oh, there were women. Lots of women. Lots of love-making but no love. You see, that was the kind of world we'd made."

What would he know about love anyway? His first words to another species were, "Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!" Not very loving. Later he tried to kiss Dr. Zira goodbye, which looks like a clear case of sexual harassment to me.

Intelligent design might not explain everything, but if it succeeds in bringing humans down a peg from their prideful ways, then it may be worth the intellectual muddle that results. As Taylor said to me, "A planet where apes evolved from men? There's got to be an answer." "Don't look for it, Taylor," I responded. "You may not like what you find."

But really, there is no contradiction between faith and science... true science.

Consider just one piece of evidence. Would an ape make a human doll, that TALKS? Clearly, no. Would God make a planet that breeds people like you? I doubt it.

Origins will never be discovered from experiments. I think I've made myself plain on this question repeatedly.

Experimental brain surgery on these creatures is one thing, and I'm all in favor of it. But behavior studies are another matter. To suggest that we can learn anything about the simian nature from a study of man is sheer nonsense. Why, man is a nuisance. He eats up his food supply in the forest, then migrates to our green belts and ravages our crops. The sooner he is exterminated, the better. It's a question of simian survival.

Yes, I have always known about man. From the evidence, I believe his wisdom must walk hand and hand with his idiocy. His emotions must rule his brain. He must be a warlike creature who gives battle to everything around him, even himself.

You know the Forbidden Zone? It was once a paradise. Your breed made a desert of it, ages ago.

Have you forgotten your scripture, the thirteenth scroll? "And Proteus brought the upright beast into the garden and chained him to a tree and the children did make sport of him."

I think the sacred scrolls are clear on this. It may be more true now than ever. Man is a menace. A walking pestilence.

Our great Lawgiver tells us that "never will the human have the Apes’ divine faculty for being able to distinguish between Evil and Good. The only good human is a dead human!”

"Beware the beast man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death."

And this planet of yours? It's a mad house. A mad house.



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