Uglyband: The Myriad's style coup

The Myriad
Latest CD: You Can't Trust a Ladder
website: www.themyriad.net

The Myriad is a Christian Indie group from Washington State. There's only five of 'em, in case you're thinking their name indicates a Polyphonic Spree-like swarm.

Initially their look doesn't dazzle. But on closer examination, this is a group that believes in detail. Take a gander at the backstage photo, taken this year in Houston. Is that a tie and vest on that guy in the back? When's the last time an Indie group appeared onstage in tie and vest? Never, that's when.

From the birthplace of grunge, The Myriad is breakin' the rules and succeeding (they were all wrapped up in some MTV contest last I checked).

But there's more. On their MySpace page I noticed a prominently placed blurb for....their tailor? "DRESS FOR LESS BUT STILL IMPRESS" the text said. "Check out several companies that are sponsoring The Myriad's bid for style (and reasonably clean laundry) on the road."

That took me to the website of sidearmclothing.com and this great quote:

"I am going to hold a pistol to the head of Modern Man. But I shall not use it to kill him. Only to bring him to life." --G.K. Chesterton

Whoa! Anyway, this is an Indie band with a personal clothier. Unheard of.

One of Sidearm Clothing's t-shirts is called the Fear T. It comes with this muddled quote: "Our air filters work way, way better than FRAM (auto) filters; plus: your respiratory system is far more complex than a car's. So choose us and live cleaner. Besides, Mustard gas is no friend of yours!"

OK, the t-shirt's content is confusing, but it looks cool.

I can only applaud the musical and stylistic pursuits of The Myriad, a group at home both on the concert stage and the fashion runway. May their tribe increase.

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The Mafia Ten Commandments

Police have found the Mafia "Ten Commandments" and they're pretty much like the original Mt. Sinai version, except without the God part.

The rules were among the papers of Sicilian Godfather Salvatore Lo Piccolo when he was arrested.

Under the secret Cosa Nostra code of conduct, the so-called "men of honour" must avoid bars, other gangsters' wives and girlfriends and be on time. It's all about morality. Sounds similar to the behavior rules church staff members learn in seminary.

The 10 'Mafiosi' commandments are:

1. No one can present himself directly to another of our friends. There must be a third person to do it.

2. Never look at the wives of friends.

3. Never be seen with cops.

4. Don't go to pubs and clubs.

5. Always be available for Cosa Nostra, even if your wife's about to give birth.

6. Appointments must be respected.

7. Wives must be treated with respect.

8. When asked for any information, the answer must be the truth.

9. Money cannot be appropriated if it belongs to others or to other families.

10. People who can't be part of Cosa Nostra are anyone with a close relative in the police, with a two-timing relative in the family, anyone who behaves badly and doesn't hold to moral values.

I think I saw all these before in All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten.

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Priest cut from Stalking with the Stars

Catholic priest David Ajemian has been arrested when he tried to attend a taping of NBC’s “Late Night With Conan O’Brien.” He's accused of stalking O'Brien and sending him threatening postcards and letters, some on parish letterhead.

When Father Ajemian was ordained in 2001, The Boston Herald described him as a “former Episcopalian who was turned on to religion partly by Federicio Fellini’s 1960 film La Dolce Vita.” The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston has placed him on leave.

Word is that Fr. Ajemian turned out to be Andy Richter disguised in a collar. He will be strapped to a board and subjected to round-the-clock interrogation by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. (Could this all be just a stunt to pump up interest while the show is in reruns during the writers' strike?)

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Scientists, secular humanists lose piece of universe

Scientists have lost a chunk of the universe again, and its mass is now about 20 percent lighter than just a few years ago, when the universe was thought to be intact and safely stowed away.

"Fast electrons" apparently tricked the astrophysicists into thinking there is more hot gas out there than there really is. In plain English, they dropped the ball.

This should be bad news for Richard Dawkins and his atheist, secular humanist, logical positivist friends--not to mention the rest of us.

Things seemed to go a lot more smoothly when God was in charge and looking after things. Even in his stripped down, Deistic, cosmic watchmaker mode, this kind of thing never happened.

Actually, we should cut the lab-coated bumblers some slack.

Apparently, they've fallen victim to a version of Sod's Law, as stated in the magicians' magazine The Sphinx in 1928: "It is an established fact that in nine cases out of ten whatever can go wrong in a magical performance will do so. The great professors of the art are not immune from the malignancy of matter and the eternal cussedness of inanimate objects."

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The Sprinkling of Russell Crowe

Actor Russell Crowe says he plans to be baptized in the Byzantine chapel he built on his ranch in Australia.

"I do believe there are more important things than what is in the mind of a man," he told Men's Journal. "There is something much bigger that drives us all. I'm willing to take that leap of faith."

(We should have seen this coming. He used to sing in a pub band called "30 Odd Foot Of Grunts." Now his band is called "The Ordinary Fear of God").

At any rate, here's how the ceremony will go:

Priest: "Do you renounce Satan, and all his angels, and all his works, and all his services. and all his pride?"

Crowe: "You're damn right I do. By the way, nobody told me I had to be naked."

Priest: "Yes, usually the child is naked when he's immersed in the baptismal font during the Sacrament of Chrismation. Just as we came out of our mother's womb naked, so we emerge naked out of the womb of God. C'mon, you took a class on this."

Crowe: "But I'm an adult."

Priest: "An adult? Didn't you assault that New York City hotel employee with a telephone a few years back? And what about all the bar fights? Even your publicist can't work with you because of your temper. Your actions show you have the emotional development of a six month old. Now please..."

Crowe: "I've got a Beautiful Mind to smack you into Ash Wednesday, reverend. But I got all my pugilistic urges out of me in Cinderella Man. Sure, I played a bad guy in 3:10 to Yuma, but in American Gangster I'm a crusading policeman on the side of the angels. Not only that, I banned sexy cheerleaders from my rugby league team and eliminated gambling from the sports club I own. Give me a break."

Priest: "Of course, you're right, my son. The whole emphasis of baptism is not on what we do, but on what God does. Now, if you think you can get through the 12 articles of faith in the Nicene Creed, we'll get started.

Crowe: Unleash Hell!

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Breakthrough in relations with Iran

Months of intense secret diplomacy between the U.S. and Iran has produced a breakthrough in relations between the two countries.

The United Sates will drop plans to impose sanctions and will remove Iran from the "Axis of Evil." In return Iran's supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has declared that the United States will no longer be referred to as "The Great Satan."

"As a reflection of our warmer feelings toward America, we will refer to the U.S. as the 'Middle Level Fallen Angel Azazel,' " explained Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. "But arrogant imperialists and Zionists should not take us for fools. At the first sign of aggression, we stand ready at a moment's notice to ratchet up the label to "Impotent Little Red Devil with Pitchfork."

The announcement was timed to coincide with the date--Nov. 5, 1979--when Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini first declared America "The Great Satan."


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Republican hymn-sing deathmatch

Evangelicals and the Religious Right are completely confused about who to support for president, it seems.

They rightly want to know the heart of these candidates. So let's have a good old-fashioned shape-note hymn sing! There's no better way to gauge someone's religious feeling. And a contest among all the leading Republican presidential nominees would certainly narrow the field.

The choice of hymns is crucial.

Rudy Giuliani should avoid Dona Nobis Pacem Domine, which smacks of Catholicism. Instead, he could belt out a version of All Who Love and Serve Your City as a reminder of his service to the Big Apple.

Fred Thompson needs to sing Amazing Grace, if only to balance out all that Law and Order. (Preferably delivered as a duet with his lovely wife Jeri).

Ron Paul? As a Libertarian, the hymn O, Freedom is a no-brainer.

Mike Huckabee's easy, too. Just give a short rendition of Holy Holy Holy and then sit down. (Note: Maybe you shouldn't mention the word "rendition.")

How about Mitt Romney? With backup from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, he could do a great version of the traditional Mormon hymn, Praise to the Man, which extols Joseph Smith:

"Hail to the prophet, ascended to heaven.
Traitors and tyrants now fight him in vain.
Mingling with Gods he can plan for his brethren;
death cannot conquer the hero again."

(OK, OK, maybe that's not such a good choice. Good Christian Friends, Rejoice might be better).

John McCain will surely choose the 19th-century soldier's hymn Faith of Our Fathers, from which the title of his 1999 biography Faith of My Fathers was drawn. The song mentions dungeons, which should steer listeners back to his ordeal as a prisoner in Hanoi. (He should avoid the hymn There Are Many Gifts, which could refer either positively to his push for campaign finance reform or negatively to his role in the Keating Five scandal).

And, hey, why not stretch this out? Dramatically cut a candidate each week, like on American Idol or Dancing with the Stars.

If Evangelicals still can't make up their minds, they could take a cue from Acts 1:26, where the apostles drew lots to choose Matthias to replace Judas. You don't remember Matthias?

That's because he's never ... mentioned ... again.


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