Republican hymn-sing deathmatch

Evangelicals and the Religious Right are completely confused about who to support for president, it seems.

They rightly want to know the heart of these candidates. So let's have a good old-fashioned shape-note hymn sing! There's no better way to gauge someone's religious feeling. And a contest among all the leading Republican presidential nominees would certainly narrow the field.

The choice of hymns is crucial.

Rudy Giuliani should avoid Dona Nobis Pacem Domine, which smacks of Catholicism. Instead, he could belt out a version of All Who Love and Serve Your City as a reminder of his service to the Big Apple.

Fred Thompson needs to sing Amazing Grace, if only to balance out all that Law and Order. (Preferably delivered as a duet with his lovely wife Jeri).

Ron Paul? As a Libertarian, the hymn O, Freedom is a no-brainer.

Mike Huckabee's easy, too. Just give a short rendition of Holy Holy Holy and then sit down. (Note: Maybe you shouldn't mention the word "rendition.")

How about Mitt Romney? With backup from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, he could do a great version of the traditional Mormon hymn, Praise to the Man, which extols Joseph Smith:

"Hail to the prophet, ascended to heaven.
Traitors and tyrants now fight him in vain.
Mingling with Gods he can plan for his brethren;
death cannot conquer the hero again."

(OK, OK, maybe that's not such a good choice. Good Christian Friends, Rejoice might be better).

John McCain will surely choose the 19th-century soldier's hymn Faith of Our Fathers, from which the title of his 1999 biography Faith of My Fathers was drawn. The song mentions dungeons, which should steer listeners back to his ordeal as a prisoner in Hanoi. (He should avoid the hymn There Are Many Gifts, which could refer either positively to his push for campaign finance reform or negatively to his role in the Keating Five scandal).

And, hey, why not stretch this out? Dramatically cut a candidate each week, like on American Idol or Dancing with the Stars.

If Evangelicals still can't make up their minds, they could take a cue from Acts 1:26, where the apostles drew lots to choose Matthias to replace Judas. You don't remember Matthias?

That's because he's never ... mentioned ... again.


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