Give Vatican, Star Trek caskets this Christmas

The busiest shopping days of the year are approaching, and many of you are looking for an object that perfectly expresses your feelings for a friend or loved one.

Don't neglect their final hours. A company called Eternal Image can help with "funerary products that celebrate the passions of life."

They offer Precious Moments, Major League Baseball and Cat Fanciers' themes, but those are so 2003. We like two new themes that turn our thoughts to the heavens.

The Vatican Library line represents the first urns and caskets to ever be sanctioned by the Vatican Library. Each includes a Certificate of Authenticity bearing the official Vatican Library Collection seal.

The caskets are "made from a proprietary composite (our own formula) that will not rot," so your loved one will sleep peacefully-- just as if he or she were resting in St. Peter's Basilica.

(Question: Is anybody ever gonna protest at the memorial service, "Hey, that's not a genuine Vatican Library casket. Where's your certificate!" And it's made with a "proprietary composite?" OK, plastic coffins are good. )

The Star Trek-themed ash urns and caskets are "reminiscent of the 24th- century styling of the United Federation of Planets and Starfleet. The styling has been inspired by the popular 'Photon Torpedo' design seen in STAR TREK II: The Wrath of Khan. "

(Wasn't that the movie where Spock's coffin was launched into space and some unstable "proto-matter" set off the Genesis Effect that started that planetary regeneration thing, and he came back to life, and...?)

Oh well. Kitsch, the final frontier.

Via Boing Boing

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Pondering a ban on 'hammer boarding'

The envoy from the emperor sat with Pontius Pilate, prefect of the Province of Judea, at a low wooden table. They were joined by a representative from King Herod's palace, several specialists on Judean culture who advised the prefecture, and an observer from the office of Caiaphas the High Priest.

"The subject of our meeting is crucifixion, or as the crowd is calling it, "hammer boarding," Pilate announced. "There has been an outcry by some that the practice is not worthy of a civilized people and possibly ineffective. Some feel the practice may cause us more trouble in the long run. But are there any options?"

Herod's representative spoke first. "Of course it's something none of us likes to apply. It's messy, and requires at least two centuries of soldiers to maintain order during the crucifixion of even a little known bandit. And remember the trouble we had with the Messiah figure. But for special cases it's very effective in humiliating the prisoner and crushing the spirit of any of his supporters."

The envoy from Rome motioned to speak. "Roman policy is clear. Although local conditions may require adjustments, the Empire is behind crucifixion across the board. I don't know what we would have done without it during that Spartacus episode."

The Judean culture specialist cleared his throat.

"Yes, Stephanos, you have something?" Pilate asked.

"Sir, the problem is that ever since the Judean pseudo-messiah Jesus reportedly was 'raised from the dead' a few years ago, the fear factor of crucifixion is in flux. Especially among his supporters, it just doesn't carry the ooh--eee-ooh scariness that it used to. Some of them now don't even seem afraid when they're rounded up. All I'm saying is, maybe we need to try some different tactics."

"I'm sorry," the emperial envoy cut in. "A discussion like this would be fine during times of peace, prosperity and political stability. But these are days of turmoil. Enemies of Rome push at our borders. Treachery lurks even among our citizens. 'Hammer boarding' as you call it is one way we've kept control all these years. It's a national security issue. I'm afraid this council is over."

"Well," sighed Pilate. "I'm glad this decision wasn't put on my plate, at least. I'm washing my hands of the whole thing."

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O. J. Simpson! Nude!

Since we've been in launch mode for our new Wittenburgdoor.com website, I've been searching for a topic that will bring in the most hits and generate lots of interactive comments. After digging into scientific web surveys, search engine results and reams of site logs--in other words, delving into the very soul of America-- everything is pointing to two terms: " O. J. Simpson" and "nude."

Some folks considered the O. J. trial a sort of mass religious event. And in fact , there were some religious aspects to the hoopla. His longtime girlfriend, Paula Barbieri, became a Christian and broke off their relationship the morning of the murders. Megachurch pastor Rick Warren was reported to have visited Simpson in his prison cell. The publisher of Simpson's book If I Did It turns out to be a "fine Christian man" according to press reports. And Simpson has endorsed Hillary Clinton-- a Methodist-- for president.

But that's where the religious angle stops. And, unfortunately, there are no combined "nude" O. J. Simpson references to talk about. (Would we really want any?)

So, I suppose my quest for a posting that will draw billions of hits is a big bust.

Now-- if I only had a conspiracy theory that linked Pamela Anderson, Dragonball and the Sept. 11 attacks. Stay tuned.

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Iran redefines social security, overcoats

Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has begun a "ferocious crackdown" on un-Islamic behaviour and dress, according to the BBC. Khamenei is calling it a "social security plan."

Earlier this year, the first part of a carrot-and-stick approach kicked in as fashion houses offered women more stylish Islamic clothing to choose from. Apparently that didn't work, so the stick has come out.

Now the police are warning they will deal seriously with any women who dare to wear short trousers, skimpy overcoats or skirts that are revealingly transparent or have slits in them.

I understand completely. At our Baptist youth camp, mixed bathing and shorts were strictly forbidden for much the same reason. Skimpy overcoats are especially dangerous. That's where real trouble can start, and it's a slippery slope thereafter.

Here's how the usual, sad pattern probably develops in Iran:

A girl goes out with a skimpy overcoat. She gets cold. She complains to her boyfriend through the accompanying chaperon. Her boyfriend asks the chaperon to warm her up. Soon she, the boyfriend and the chaperon are all under a big blanket where anything can happen.

Luckily, Iran’s Islamic penal system still follows tried and true sentencing guidelines for petty crimes, such as amputation of limbs, eye gouging, stoning to death and throwing prisoners off a cliff in a sack. So we're confidant millions of Iranian women will be ordering XXX-Large, Plus-sized overcoats this winter, reasoning it's better to look like a bag lady than to end up in a sack.

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Decoding The Last Supper notes

An Italian composer claims to have discovered hidden musical notes encoded into Leonardo Da Vinci's painting, The Last Supper. The code involves the placement of the loaves of bread at the supper and the hands of Jesus and his apostles. If you read the notes right to left, similar to Leonardo's mirror-image writing, they produce a 40-second composition that "sounds like a requiem."

But wait.... If you read the notes in a straightforward manner—with the cutlery and the salt shakers thrown in, too—the notes sound more like Louis Armstrong's 1925 tune Yes, I'm In De Barrel.

Hear the de-coded music clip: (Requires Real Player)

(Thanks to www.jazz-on-line.com)

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New Muslim car replaces discredited model

The Malaysian carmaker Proton has announced plans to develop an "Islamic car" designed for Muslim motorists. The car could boast special features like a compass pointing to Mecca and a dedicated space to keep a copy of the Koran and a headscarf.

Presumably, the carmakers hope the Proton will replace the automobile model most associated with the Middle East, which automotive experts agree has been a public relations disaster for Muslims—the suicide car bomb.

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Swingers say churches are the real hazard

The city council of Duncanville, Texas, responding to neighbors' complaints of traffic and general unsavoriness, voted to shut down a private residential sex club known as the Cherry Pit. But the owners are not taking this lying down (the actual words of the local CBS news affiliate reporter). They're trying to raise $10,000 on their website to hire an attorney and defend the constitutionality of... uh, well... swinging.

Any sex that takes place at private parties in their large suburban home is consensual, the owners said. (And Duncanville-- a suburb of Dallas-- is a "bedroom community" after all).

The TV news folks helpfully explained that swingers are people who are "open minded about their sexual partners." (Much like spadefoot toads, who recently have been observed to mate with other species).

Churchgoers are the real public hazard, the Cherry Pit owners insist.

"At 12 o'clock on Sunday, church lets out. They all flood the streets. They have to have police officers out on the street to direct traffic. There's a hazard. That causes wrecks. We don't do anything like that. We're not a nuisance... That's a nuisance," said Cherry Pit co-owner Jim Trulock.

There may be a lesson here somewhere. Why are all the churchgoers racing to get away from their place of fellowship, and the sex party folks are trying to think of excuses to hang around theirs?

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