Pondering a ban on 'hammer boarding'

The envoy from the emperor sat with Pontius Pilate, prefect of the Province of Judea, at a low wooden table. They were joined by a representative from King Herod's palace, several specialists on Judean culture who advised the prefecture, and an observer from the office of Caiaphas the High Priest.

"The subject of our meeting is crucifixion, or as the crowd is calling it, "hammer boarding," Pilate announced. "There has been an outcry by some that the practice is not worthy of a civilized people and possibly ineffective. Some feel the practice may cause us more trouble in the long run. But are there any options?"

Herod's representative spoke first. "Of course it's something none of us likes to apply. It's messy, and requires at least two centuries of soldiers to maintain order during the crucifixion of even a little known bandit. And remember the trouble we had with the Messiah figure. But for special cases it's very effective in humiliating the prisoner and crushing the spirit of any of his supporters."

The envoy from Rome motioned to speak. "Roman policy is clear. Although local conditions may require adjustments, the Empire is behind crucifixion across the board. I don't know what we would have done without it during that Spartacus episode."

The Judean culture specialist cleared his throat.

"Yes, Stephanos, you have something?" Pilate asked.

"Sir, the problem is that ever since the Judean pseudo-messiah Jesus reportedly was 'raised from the dead' a few years ago, the fear factor of crucifixion is in flux. Especially among his supporters, it just doesn't carry the ooh--eee-ooh scariness that it used to. Some of them now don't even seem afraid when they're rounded up. All I'm saying is, maybe we need to try some different tactics."

"I'm sorry," the emperial envoy cut in. "A discussion like this would be fine during times of peace, prosperity and political stability. But these are days of turmoil. Enemies of Rome push at our borders. Treachery lurks even among our citizens. 'Hammer boarding' as you call it is one way we've kept control all these years. It's a national security issue. I'm afraid this council is over."

"Well," sighed Pilate. "I'm glad this decision wasn't put on my plate, at least. I'm washing my hands of the whole thing."

• Furl • StumbleUpon • Technorati Tags: Water Boarding, Christian humor, satire, humor