Beastie: Moviegoers beware!

Danger is looming for Christian moviegoers this Christmas season. A fantasy film teeming with talking animals and impressive special effects has exploded in controversy because of its hidden, anti-christian agenda.

No, I'm not talking about The Golden Compass. That's child's play. The urgent menace facing us is Alvin and the Chipmunks.

The movie opens Dec. 14, but the Chipmunks phenomenon started back in 1958. Does anyone notice this coincides with the beginning of the '60s, a time of unparalleled debauchery in America?

The Chipmunks' creator Ross Bagdasarian was a songwriter at the end of his rope. With $200 left to his name, he purchased a reel-to-reel tape recorder for $190. (It's at this point we speculate he made the Faustian deal with Old Scratch that catapulted him to fame).

Using the tape recorder to stretch and distort the natural sound of the human voice, he put together a hit song called The Witch Doctor.

I hope you're starting to sense the gravity of the situation. Even after 50 years, I still can't get the song out of my mind. That's why I know it's of the Evil One.

"Ooo eee, ooo ah ah, ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang"

Bagdasarian—that's a scary, foreign-sounding name, isn't it?— claims the words came to him when he remembered an uncle who moved to Washington State (walla walla) and he "topped it off with a resounding 'bing bang.' "

Fat chance. These lyrics obviously emanate from the darkest pits of a sulphur-choked hell.

The Chipmunks-- also singing in the same weird, distorted singsong pitch-- eventually recorded The Witch Doctor song, along with their holiday classic, The Christmas Song.

"Christmas, Christmas time is near
Time for toys and time for cheer.
We've been good but we can't last,
Hurry Christmas, hurry fast!"

This advertisement for discontent and giving in to temptation went on to be a Grammy-award-winning smash hit. Bagdasarian later provided the voice for the David Seville character in the Chipmunks' 1961 animated television series The Alvin Show.

I dropped an mp3 recording of The Witch Doctor song into the Beastie Machine. Using a powerful Bose soundwave acoustical displacement grinder, I was able to separate the plane waves just as Newton's Second Law prescribes.

The specific acoustic impedance wasn't right, so I gave it a kick. The machine whirred back into action. The phase velocity c = ω/k, ω = 2πf and k = 2π/λ hit me like a brick! Slowed down to normal speed, the Chipmunk voices emitted a rumbling moan suggestive of demons in severe gastrointestinal distress. How could we have been so naive! At 1000 Hz, the wavelength is 33.3 cm, and the wave number is k = 0.1887 cm-1, so I knew just what to do next. Adjusting the machine, I typed in the lyrics of The Witch Doctor chorus.

"Ooo eee,ooo ah ah ting tang Walla walla, bing bang" totaled only 396, short of the terrible Number of the Beast, 666. "Alvin and the Chipmunks" missed the mark at 775.

Was I mistaken? Should I have been looking elsewhere for the AntiChrist? The Beastie Machine was close to requiring a 50,000-mile tune-up.

Then, with my ears still ringing from the abominable Chipmunk harmonies, it came to me. (The Dark Lord is clever, I'll give him that).

The two names "Alvin" and "Bagdasarian," when fed into the maw of the Beastie Machine's gematria calculator, totalled 665. Throw in a half-point for the space between the names and it's close enough for all good Christians to boycott this holiday Hollywood travesty.


• Furl • StumbleUpon • Technorati Tags: Alvin And The Chipmunks, Christian humor, satire, humor