The stump speech we'll never hear

[As music of the rock anthem Cum On Feel The Noize by Slade slowly fades]

Thank you all for your energy and support! I look out on this crowd of supporters tonight and see, not just a dazzling diversity of races, ages, genders and classes, but a whole stadium full of people who think just like I do, in lockstep with my agenda. I love that. We certainly don't want any divergent ideas spoiling our celebration, do we?

And yes, you all turned out in record numbers to support our platform of transformation of this country into a nation that will bend to my will. And I'm going to let you know what that is soon, very soon. But for a moment let's just exult in the magic of being together and united by the exhilaration that drives out reasoned thinking and logical questioning. It's actually pretty fun.

You have worked diligently for months canvassing neighborhoods, calling and buttonholing your friends and even perfect strangers in support of our campaign. Most of you are volunteers. I have listened to your complaints about government, your desires for change in Washington and your opinions on policy issues. And I will incorporate your concerns into our program. But I will listen even more carefully to those who donated large amounts of cash to keep this drive going. That's only natural, don't you agree?

My vision for America is based on the values and aspirations we all share. Liberty, equality and peace, among others. I also have my own idiosyncratic take on many of these values that you will slowly and with horror come to realize months and years into my presidency. Don't worry, you'll get used to them. (You'd better, if you want to stay on my team).

And let's not let this moment pass without thanking the Lord of your choice, that Higher Power who has been overseeing our cause from the first. He or She is ever faithful to take particular and almost unbelievably minute interest in every single aspect of our campaign. Let's give God a clap offering right now! (We can put the deity back into it's box after the inauguration).

Sadly, after we lay out our positive vision of America, we must talk about the evil we face, the dark shadow that would extinguish America's great light.

No, I'm not talking about foreign terrorists. I'm talking about my political opponents and their ilk, who would presumptuously vote against us at the polls, work against our programs in Congress and badger us in the media and in those detestable blogs and talk shows. Be assured that as we carry forward our policy of bipartisan progress and unity, we will try at every turn to cripple our political opponents and position ourselves for the next election. And remember, we do it all for you.

Surely the lesson of wise leaders through the ages is that every positive movement needs an evil scapegoat. Promoting paranoia helps, too. We promise to stoke that version of unreality at every opportunity.

Finally my friends, let us redouble our efforts to stifle the bad, old politics of the past and bring in the good old politics of the future. Let's get rid of politics as usual. But let's be sure that it remains politics, whether unusual, new-fangled or just revarnished.

Thank you and God bless.

[Cue recessional Won't Get Fooled Again by The Who]

For a milder version of an all-purpose political speech, listen to this 1895 address read by Scott Simon on NPR 's Weekend Edition. And here's a transcript and comment by a Princeton archivist.


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