25 Random Things About God

1. Jeez, I never thought this "25 Random Things" deal would get so big when I first started circulating it.

2. Why's that airline pilot getting all my glory? After all, I put the Hudson river there.

3. I love getting up in the morning to watch the universe rise.

4. My Addictions: Coffee, "Lost," ultra-marathons (40 years is my limit), my crackberry, wreaking vengeance.

5. TODAY'S TO DO LIST: Start interfaith dialogue (always forgetting this), clean up environment, take out that terrorist training camp at 34 degrees 33'56.80 N 73 degrees 56'31.25 E.

6. I'm really sorry I took a short vacation--just a long weekend, really-- and caused that world financial crisis. Last time I took a vacation I came back and found Bush had stolen the election. Darn! But don't I deserve some time off?

7. Found out this week the music of the spheres is in the wrong format to load on my iPhone. Wouldn't you know it?

8. And yes, I have both a Blackberry and an iPhone. Are you really surprised?

9. My secret fear is that my solution to the problem of evil won't stand up to peer review.

10. I miss the Neanderthals.

11. Prosperity preachers may be surprised that I spend most of my time talking to chaiwalla slumdogs.

12. Don't worry, I'm planning to explain everything on the 400th anniversary of Darwin's birth.

13. Using the Sumerian numerical system, shouldn't I be through now?

14. I'm still a little nervous about that Large Hadron Collider.

15. Can someone please tell me where I left the Ark of the Covenant?

16. Lately I've been stitching together random DNA strings. Started out as a bracelet, but who knows what I'll end up with.

17. Sometimes I flash on being a sunflower and imagine I'm looking at myself.

18. I've been tinkering around with a new moral code. Here's an example: You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours... until you beg for mercy. (Hey, it's just a draft version).

19. What if I were the god of a universe that was really tiny and inside a much bigger macro-universe, controlled by a much bigger god? And what if that god were me, too? This is the kind of thing I think about just before I go back to sleep.

20. I'm tired of this. So I'm reversing the arrow of time, recalling all the world's "Random Things" postings, renaming them "20 Random Things" and chopping off the last five items to conform to what is now my new template. You'll never know the difference. (Most people don't realize it, but I do this sort of thing all the time).

---Skippy R., The Wittenburg Door

Pancake flap upstages Super Tuesday

Well, IHOP would like to make you think so, anyway.

The pancake house chain was alarmed to discover that the 2008 Super Tuesday primaries were set for Feb. 5, a date that coincides with Shrove Tuesday — arguably the most important date in the pancake calendar!

(I didn't realize there was a pancake calendar, but then, why shouldn't every foodstuff have its own way of marking time?)

This isn't just a marketing gimmick for IHOP. Throughout the British Isles and in many other countries, the day before Ash Wednesday is commonly known as Pancake Day.

Ah, Pancake Day! In Ireland housewives run through town, each carrying a skillet with a large, very thin pancake. The idea is for the women to race to the finish line, tossing their pancakes as they run.

There's even a fertility angle. If the eldest unmarried daughter in a household is able to toss a pancake into the air and catch it again in the skillet, she will be married within a year. But if it doesn't flip or she drops it, she'll remain single.

See, this is what people did before Lost. Needless to say, the ladies of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary's "holy homemaking" graduate degree program would have this competition nailed.

In what is being billed as a compromise, IHOP says it will celebrate on Feb. 12 instead. Several state governors have agreed to proclaim Feb. 12 as "National Pancake Day." Lent, apparently, will proceed as usual despite the controversy.

To celebrate Shrove Tuesday, you can watch this video clip featuring an automated "confessional," even though the clip's been out for a while.

(Also, so sorry for the delay in finishing my review of the Picturing the Bible: The Earliest Christian Art exhibit. The subject got me pondering the definition and meaning of art itself, the place of the artist in the body of Christ, one thing led to another, and, well, when I've dug out from under all the research, I'll let you know what I've found out in Part II.)

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Protesters picket 'Living Negativity Scene'

About 20 protesters were on hand as Calvary Free Church members set up their Christmas "Living Negativity Scene" on the church lawn. Pastor Olney Shawshank said the display will focus on the materialism of the season, with scenes of office party debauchery, crass commercialism and overly indulgent spending on gifts to the detriment of aid to the poor and hungry.

Members took their places, some dressed in holiday finery, others as homeless bums or neglected losers spending Christmas alone and forgotten.

The church's neighbors were not impressed. "This makes a mockery of what Christmas is all about," said Sam Stevens, who held a sign that said "Put Christ back in Christmas... Now!"

"How do you expect me and my family to enjoy our holiday when we look out our windows and see them dressed as bums in the gutter? Or look, there's a woman dressed as a drunken call girl," Stevens said. "You can't even see the manger back in the stable."

Pastor Shawshank insists this is the best way to honor Christ.

"Last year they complained about the live camels defecating all over the street," he said, shaking his head. "I'm not sure we'll ever come up with a depiction of the meaning of the incarnation that will satisfy everybody."

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Catholics lose priceless relic... again

Darn! Heeb magazine scooped us on this: The foreskin of Christ is missing!

"The prepuce had supposedly been kept above the altar of a church in Calcata, Italy, for over four centuries, only appearing in public once a year for the Feast of the Holy Circumcision. No one has actually seen the holy hood since 1983 (when it was stolen from a shoebox kept in the back of the parish priest’s wardrobe)."

Several foreskins have popped up throughout history. In 1856, a workman repairing the Abbey of Charroux claimed to have found a reliquary hidden inside a wall, containing another Holy Foreskin the abbey had claimed since the 12th century, but had lost.

(It's always getting lost! Can't anybody keep their hands on the foreskin?)

This led to a heated controversy over which was the legitimate relic. In 1900, the Church solved the dilemma by ruling that anyone writing or speaking of the Holy Prepuce would be excommunicated. In 1954, after much debate, the punishment was changed to the harsher degree of excommunication, vitandi (shunned).

(No penalty was prescribed, however, for blogging about the Holy Foreskin, thank goodness).

The Second Vatican Council later removed the Day of the Holy Circumcision from the Latin church calendar.

That's not where the story ends. Heeb remarks, "It's a comfort to note that the foreskin of the Antichrist is still preserved in a secure location."

Yes, Marilyn Manson's foreskin is for sale.

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WikiPopeia

A Vatican has announced that this year's Christmas message to the world's faithful from Pope Benedict XVI will be released in a novel new format.

"Pope Benedict's URBI ET ORBI* message will be published in the form of a wiki," a spokespriest said. "From now on, Papal encyclicals will be collaborative."

"A wiki is a collection of collaborative hypertext or 'web' pages that can be edited by a group. Wiki wiki means 'rapidly' in the Hawaiian language, and we hope this quickly moves the Roman Catholic Church to the front of the technology wave."

A wiki site allows anyone to edit, delete, link or modify the content on the web. Wikis have been used extensively by technology innovators to quickly move projects forward to completion.

"His Holiness thinks this breakthrough could silence centuries of criticism about the Catholic church's authoritarian structure, bring a breath of fresh air into the Vatican and-- as an incidental side benefit --confer Papal infallibility on everyone... at least those with Internet access."

Visit Pope Benedict's wiki at vaticanwiki.wikispaces.com/

A sample wiki of the encyclical from last year has been provided to give the faithful some practice in expressing their views. Go ahead -- indulge yourself. Ex Cathedra.

*(Urbi et Orbi, literally "to the City [of Rome] and to the World," was a standard opening of Roman proclamations. The term is now used to denote the papal addresses at Christmas and Easter).

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Web: Amazing Ale

You've probably already seen Amazing Grace, the historical movie about British abolitionist William Wilberforce. Now, from our cousin site in England, Ship of Fools, comes this important product announcement: William Wilberforce Freedom Ale!

Brewed at The Westerham Brewery in Kent, England, near the site where Rev. Wilberforce began his fight against the slave trade, it's "a deep mahogany ale characterised by its mellow bitterness and long hoppy finish." Whatever that means.

Anyway, it's also a free-trade beer made with demerara sugar from a smallholders' plantation in Malawi, and a portion of the sales price goes toward the campaign against human trafficking.

Sorry. Can't buy it in the U.S., apparently, but you can order some.

Or, you could strike a blow against your own slavery to alcohol and chew some gum instead. (But that's just the Baptist in me talkin').


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Vernal EquiNOT

"We were completely off this year," confessed Oleg Brohannson, as he and the five other neo-pagan worshippers gathered up their drums, candles and noise makers and put them back into the Volvo wagon.

"We set everything up very carefully. At just the right time, the sunlight was supposed to shine through the cleft in the boulder over there and hit the center of that runestone pillar.

"But that's at the summer solstice. Because of global warming or something-- maybe it was that bad batch of homemade mead-- we showed up at the vernal equinox, not the solstice. We should have been over at the Eisencrag Megalith for that one. That's why nobody else showed up. I guess we just got confused."

"Yeah, and I was all ready to do a real 'Stomp!' impersonation on those drums, too," said his friend, Karl, as he took off his horned helmet and threw it into the back seat.

Their companion, Heatherwind Jasmin, had another explanation. "I think somebody hacked Wikipedia again. The article on the solstice definitely gave today's date for the celebration. Darn it!"

Despite the chance that without their sacred rituals the Great Dragon might swallow the sun and chaos engulf the universe, the group got back in the station wagon and headed over to the Loki and Tokey Tea Room to catch the tail end of the Vernal Equinox afterglow service with their more-clued-in friends.

Later, after a few drinks, none of them could tell much difference between that day and the day before ...or the day after.


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Christian humor, satire, humor

Web: Ask the Buddha Britney!

I've been trying to work Britney Spears into this blog for a while, and now I've succeeded.

Here's a website that has "compiled the wisdom and zen of the Buddha Britney, so that you might discover the answers to your own spiritual questions. Just type them below and prepare to have your minds blown - and maybe your heads shaved."




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Christian humor, satire, humor

Web: Original-recipe Catholics

The Dallas Morning News religion blog alerts us to this breaking story:

"The world's most popular chicken restaurant chain is offering fish for the first time nationally with the introduction of the new KFC® Fish Snacker. The company has asked the Pope himself for his blessing, with KFC President Gregg Dedrick sending a personal letter to the Vatican."

The press release says Vatican officials have "confirmed they received KFC's request, and the company is hopeful to get the Pope's blessing this Lenten season." The new product will be "ideal for American Catholics who want to observe Lenten season traditions while still leading their busy, modern lifestyles. We believe it will be especially popular on Fridays," said James O'Reilly, Chief Marketing Officer for KFC.

Combined with our earlier chicken story below, a trend is developing that we've got to get on top of.

In their Social Responsibility section of the website, the KFC folks say "Yum! Brands, parent company of KFC, is committed to the humane treatment of animals."

I suppose that means all those fish and chickens are persuaded--perhaps after a clergy counseling session-- to sacrifice their lives for American obesity.

Yum. Thou hast almost persuaded me to become a vegetarian.



Technorati Tags: KFC,
Christian humor, satire, humor

Gaither/ Gothard: Separated at birth?

Is this a widespread misunderstanding? 'Cause it could explain a lot.

We were taking a group of foreign exchange students from Dallas to Fort Worth on the train yesterday, and I overheard a couple discussing why the train was so crowded.

"I think they're having a concert at the American Airlines Center," one woman said.

"Who?" another asked.

"I think it's Bill Gothard."

A Bill Gothard concert? This, of course, would be a first. Gothard's Institute in Basic Youth Conflicts has preached often about the evils of contemporary Christian music. I've still got my syllabus somewhere to prove it.

"I didn't even know that guy could sing," I said to nobody in particular.

Another woman looked around. "I think it's probably Bill Gaither, not Gothard."

"That makes more sense," I nodded.
Indeed, we soon passed a sign that said Bill Gaither and his Homecoming Friends were playing two concerts that day.

I was a little sad, because I hoped Bill Gothard had finally found his voice. Although I always say his Institute saved my first marriage, I have strayed from most of his teachings in the past 30 years. I haven't even thought of him in a long time, not since his organization attempted to set up a school in downtown Dallas a few years back.
But I know one thing. Even if Gothard starts singing, I'm not going to review him for "Ugly Christian Band of the Week."

Ever.

But Gaither on the other hand. Hmmm.


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Bill Gaither,
Christian humor, satire, humor

The Borat Translation

There's talk of a second Borat movie, a follow-up to his wildly popular Borat: Cultural Leanings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.

If the Jew-phobic Borat (played by Sacha Baron Cohen, who actually is Jewish) should ever take a break from man-on-man wrestling, making "sexy-time" and disco dancing, and get it in his head to do a Kazakh Bible translation, it might look like this:

In Beginnings: The Borat Translation of Genesis 1

In beginnings, false Jewish God made glorious Kazakhstan and rest of whole plant earth, besides heaven, which was color of horse p*ss. At least so my country.

But everything was blob of dirt like in latrine, slump as dead dog two days floating in fish pond. God saw stinky stuff and thought "Must change before Gypsies come with bags to sell in market." So blew on pile to say, "Lighten up! Or I crush you like we do small weasels in national game of Grazpech."

And God liked blazing light he made.

But soon come time for second morning nap, when grog shops close, and he split light in two so half died. He called Day and Night, and was pretty good. This where comes interesting pastime-- we crack stick in half and push half into ear before nap sleep. In my country all know this.

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Christian humor, satire, humor

Web: I Am Trying To Believe Dot Com

Oh My Gosh. Prepare to be creeped out. Browsing through Metafilter today I ran across a strange and radically weird series of a dozen websites tied together to tell a story of a future devastated by biological warfare and reactionary groups... or something.

If you've got eight or ten hours, take a look at churchofplano.com and iamtryingtobelieve.com and start the adventure.


A new drug, Parapin, is introduced into water systems to boost immune response, but has serious side effects. An addictive drug called OPAL plagues the cities. And the 105th Crusaders leave for fighting in Syria. Mass hallucinations occur of an arm reaching down from heaven to earth. Is it supernatural or psychological? There's even a church at the center of it all, The First Evangelical Church of Plano.

All I know is it's scarier and cooler looking than any of the Left Behind movies.

Bottom line: Apparently it's some kind of publicity ploy for a new Nine Inch Nails CD. But even so, doesn't this kind of marketing manipulation prove that the end is near?

Technorati Tags: Nine Inch Nails,
Christian humor, satire, humor