In case you missed this on the www.wittenburgdoor.com website, the televangelists are straining to exercise some willpower this year:
• Pat Robertson: I will not make delusional predictions for the coming year unless at least one of my previous predictions at least partially came true. I will repeat this resolution to myself three times a day so I don't forget it.
• Joel Osteen: I resolve to frown at least 15 minutes each day so my smile will look genuine the rest of the time. But I will do it hanging upside down in my gravity boots so that the frown looks like a smile.
• Kenneth Copeland: This year I will speak into existence a world in which Sen. Grassley is a teensy-weensy bumblebee bat, one of the world's most endangered species. Then I will suck him into the engines of my $20 million Cessna Citation as I fly off to the Fiji islands.
• Benny Hinn: Whenever Jesus Christ appears to me visibly onstage, or when I hear his voice audibly as if he were standing right beside me, I will pinch myself, and then have one of my aides pinch me too. Then I will have another aide pinch that aide. And so on.
• Joyce Meyer: I will upgrade my $23,000 commode with a bidet, but switch to a lower grade of toilet paper. And each time I lambaste the concept of separation of church and state as being unconstitutional and "a deception from Satan," I will re-read the Constitution and place a call to the Evil One, just to check my facts.
• Creflo Dollar: I will repeat five times a day, "The decreasing value of U.S. currency this year does not reflect on my personal self-esteem." But I'll still keep tryin' to change my name to Creflo Krugerrand.
• Jan and Paul Crouch: We resolve to simplify our lifestyles away from reflecting the glittering Versailles of the "Sun King" Louis XVI to the more ecologically sensitive regal ostentation of Restoration England under Charles II. We will call this "going green."
• Hal Lindsey: I resolve to be even more confrontational about radical Islam in order to obscure the failure of my 37 years of end-time predictions and remind people that I still exist. Darn, I miss the Soviet Union!
• Rod Parsley: If I ever say "Man your battle stations! Ready your weapons! Lock and load--for the thirty, forty liberal pastors who filed against our ministry with the Internal Revenue Service" again, just shoot me.
• Randy and Paula White: We resolve to remember to pay for private jets we say we're going to purchase, instead of coughing up $112,000 in damages for cancelling the deal. And we resolve to place in our bio only those doctorates we actually earned, and to claim only doctorates at schools that actually exist. Oh, and we resolve to make sure there are no pesky lawyers around when we scam an old lady out of her life savings. Amen.
• Bishop Earl Paulk: I will fast from sex scandals the entire year. Instead I will promote my dominionist theology and the belief that Jesus will not return until the whole world has heard about me.
• Richard Roberts: I resolve to cancel my wife's cell phone contract, skip the annual home remodeling at university expense, return her red Mercedes convertible and white Lexus SUV, and see about the possibility of shredding the document-shredding machine. Oh yeah, and find a way to unplug the Unblinking Eye of Sauron from the ORU Prayer Tower and take it with me.
• John Hagee: I resolve to squeeze my corpulent, jiggling torso into a barrel and roll from San Antonio to the Holy Land to support the State of Israel. Who will join me?
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