Weekly Beastie: Hand Jive

As the "blog of record" concerning all things Antichrist, we felt we should mention this sad story.

An Idaho man, believing he bore the Mark of the Beast on his hand, cut it off with a circular saw and then microwaved it for good measure. Police later determined their were no marks of any kind on the hand. The man remains in protective custody in the mental health unit of Kootenai Medical Center in Coeur d'Alene, where he and the hand were taken by ambulance.

Although we deplore his methods, we can only applaud his zeal in interpreting Jesus' command that if your hand offends you, cut it off. But there's also that injunction not to let your right hand know what your left hand is doing. This is now impossible, having disposed of one of the parties.

Bold action against the wiles of the Devil is no vice. But literalism is, as this man discovered.

If we took the Bible literally, why, who knows what strange doctrines might proliferate. No, the scripture is full of metaphor and allegory, and Satan uses these to hide behind. It's a subtle battle, in which interpretation is everything.

Take the name of the Idaho town, for instance-- Coeur d'Alene. This is obviously a made-up, foreign-sounding name and therefore peopled with strange and exotic characters. I understand that it is indecently beautiful up there. And wasn't there a big neo-Nazi community nearby at one time? I don't even have to run it through the Beastie Machine to know that its numerical value is somewhere near 666. Had the man moved to a more mundane locale-- say, Cleveland-- this whole unsavory incident could have been avoided.

Sometimes it's not about the numbers, it's about location, location, location.

Bottom line? It's something Catholics have known from the beginning, but Protestants frequently forget: Folks, don't try this at home. Leave it to the professionals, like me.

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