Survey disrespects churchgoers

A survey of unchurched Americans by LifeWay Research found that almost three quarters of those surveyed think churches are "full of hypocrites." Almost half those surveyed agreed that ''Christians get on my nerves.''

Response to the survey from Christian leaders was focused mainly on speaking to the underlying problem.

Franklin Graham, tripping over his shoes after parking his Harley, replied with a succinct: "Liar, liar, pants on fire."

Southwestern Baptist Seminary President Paige Patterson holstered his revolver and took up his pen: "There are several ways believers can respond to these shocking charges," he wrote. "The first is from Romans 5:15--'I know you are, but what am I?'"

Televangelist Benny Hinn said the standard retort to such complaints, based on Revelation Chapter 3, is "Kindergarten baby, Wash your face in gravy!" repeated five times and to be finished with a flourish of his white Nehru jacket.

Robert Schuller (who lives in a glass cathedral and therefore is reluctant to throw too many stones) smiled as he recalled a popular logical conundrum, "one that gets to the nub of the question, mainly, 'I am rubber, you are glue. What bounces off of me will stick to you!'"

Finally, T. D. Jakes reached into his rich reservoir of folk wisdom for this extended on-air reply, backed by the Grammy Award-winning Potter's House Choir:

"Roses are red, violets are blue,
I'm pretty cute, but what happened to you?
Those roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
your house is empty and so is your head.

I know karate, I know kung-fu,
So I ain't afraid of nobody like you.
No Reese's Pieces, no butter cups,
You mess with me and I'll kick your butt.
(All the way back to Pizza Hut).

Listen up now, you ain't got none of this,
So go home and cry, cause you just got dissed!"

Then the bishop twisted his jump rope into a flail and drove the pollsters out of the sanctuary.

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