Beastie: Don Imus and the biogas prophecies

Radio host Don Imus has been in the news for calling the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team, the Lady Scarlet Knights, "nappy-headed hos."

And I got to thinking, "what kind of name is Imus anyway?

So I put it into Google, and up came "bio-gas." That's right. IMUS is "a unique biogas system" based in Canada that can "process up to 100 tons of manure daily."

Aha! Now we're gettin' somewhere, I muttered.

And the connections just kept coming, as if divinely inspired. I found that Imus regularly calls women "skanks" and Arabs "ragheads." He famously called Rush Limbaugh "a fat, pill-popping loser." He hung up on Tucker Carlson, calling him "a bowtie-wearing ***sy." He charged that his "Jewish management" at CBS hates the blind and the handicapped. At the same time, he is one of the few people licensed to carry a concealed handgun for personal protection in New York City.

Hmm. Could Don Imus be that dreaded Beast spoken of in the Book of Revelation?

A letter in Salon asked, "Seriously though, isn't Imus starting to look downright Mephistotilian?" A telling comment, one of many on a trail he couldn't cover up.


Blasphemy has long been Imus' stock in trade. His early career included a character called The Right Rev. Dr. Billy Sol Hargis, a thinly veiled cross between disgraced fundamentalist preacher Billy James Hargis and real-life Texas fertilizer swindler Billie Sol Estes. As Billy Sol Hargis, Imus touted on-air the merits of the First Church of the Gooey Death and Discount House of Worship. His 1981 novel God's Other Son depicted Hargis's further adventures, and it went on to be a bestseller.

In 1977, WNBC fired Imus because of a fondness for cocaine and vodka and after missing a hundred days of work in one year. Then he turned over a new leaf, or so it seemed. He phased out Billy Sol Hargis, married a vegan, opened his New Mexico ranch as therapy for kids who have cancer, all perhaps as cover for his nefarious plans for world dominion.

Really, who could pull off all this without a Faustian transaction of some sort? And, Hey!-- "Lady Scarlet Knights?" Just transpose Lady Scarlet as "Scarlet Lady," and Imus' connection to The Great Ho becomes unmistakable.

The final clincher? (This will give you goose bumps). The name Imus turns out to be linguistically similar to Iblis, the Islamic name for Satan."

It was time to put this bag of bio-gas to the Hebrew gematria test.

With trembling hands I placed the character markers for "J. Donald Imus Jr." into the Ronco Weekly Beastie numerical slicer and dicer. After a minute and half, it came to a frothy foam. I turned off the machine and waited for the confection to settle.

The numbers added up to only 664. Darn! But by counting punctuation marks each as a "one," the numbers could morph into the more visually pleasing 666, the Number of the Beast.

The result clearly shows God is "disappointed" with Imus' "inappropriate" remarks, not to mention his plans to replace all the world's governments with his own.

Don Imus will be punished to the max-imus for his on-air remarks, never fear. Not by being fired, but by his perpetual immolation in the Lake of Fire, along with his on-air crew, the False Prophet Charles McCord and the antichrist Bernard McGuirk.

Recede, da locum, exi, discede!



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Christian humor, satire, humor