Beastie: Sanjay will be back

How did the shape-shifting amateur singer Sanjaya Malakar become a household name in America without even winning the American Idol contest? That in itself was a miracle. And the thought occurred to me, as it often does .... could this be the Beast spoken of in holy scripture?

Indeed, there was ample evidence pointing to something fishy.

After his defeat on the show, Sanjay let slip a peek into his startling, hidden spiritual agenda during an interview with EW.com:

"When I saw the show on Tuesday I felt like I was going home. I tend to be psychic because my name means ''Spiritual Psychic.'' If I am in any way, that was the point where it showed. I felt it in my bones that I was going home. On Wednesday I was just down in the dumps. People were coming up to me all day and saying ''What's wrong?'' I would say ''Nothing.'' I was just really quiet."

Sure enough, Sanjaya is a character mentioned in the first book of the Bhagavad Gita. The meaning of Sanjaya, according to a prominent yogi, is "one who has systematically acquired control over his organs of perception and action." The symbolic meaning is that one is able to see beyond the normal range if one has control of his body and mind. Thus, psychic powers. And thus, Beastie candidate for sure.

Consider: a former character in Hindu myth with psychic powers controlling America's mass media without apparent talents or gifts. I smelled a pact with the Evil One.

All the signs were there-- the 7-ponytail faux-hawk hairstyle, being booed at Dodger Stadium, being named “Today’s Girl” on Maxim Online.

The singer no doubt elicited extreme emotions. Some despised him.
"The first step in your Sanjaya Malakar obsession recovery: releasing the hate until you have no more hate to give," one website explained.

Others swooned. "Sangasm—A special pleasure only Sanjaya can bring upon a person," reads an entry in the Sanjay Malakar Dictionary.

An idolatrous Sanjaya doll baby was even for sale on eBay. And more ominously, there was the sanjayatheapocalypse.com website.

Excited by these prospects, I repeatedly ran his name through the galloping gematria gearsprockets, fine tuning the Wankel wedges and adjusting the eductor-jet pump, but all to no avail.

Numerologically, "Sanjaya Malakar" would only add up to 660, nothing more.

But, surprise! Using the alternate gematria method of the Order of Nazorean Essenes (admittedly not the top quality or latest, cutting-edge method of interpretation) the words Sanjay Malakar combined exactly to create the mystical number of the beast, 666.

Close enough for apocalyptic work.

Sanjay may be gone, but rest assured, we'll be seeing him again, all too soon.


Emergency Beastie Bulletin: What a week! Giant Michael Jackson robot planned for Las Vegas. Could Captain EO be the Antichrist? More soon....


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