Beastie Update: P&G menace at an end?

I guess you've heard the grim news.

Procter and Gamble just won $19.25 million in damages against the Amway Corp. for spreading the rumor that the company donated some of its profits to the Church of Satan. In the 1980s, rumors also circulated that the company logo -- a man-in-the-moon image surrounded by 13 stars-- was satanic. Some people even discerned the number 666 entwined in the character's beard.


The urban legend website Snopes.com has long debunked the stories. The lawsuit was designed to shut down the rumor mill completely, and I suppose it will.

But our feeling is, where there's smoke there's fire.

Consider the history of the partnership of Mr. Procter and Mr. Gamble (and compare it with the alliance of the Beast with the False Prophet, another famous duo). The candlestick maker and soap maker in 1837 conceived the idea for an unholy mixture of their two trades. Then using secret alchemical machinations they produced a soap that defied all natural physics by floating on the surface of the water. They tried to hide the ghastly genesis of this "Ivory" soap: According to the P&G website, "Inspiration for the soap's name—Ivory—came to Harley Procter, the founder's son, as he read the words 'out of ivory palaces' in the Bible one Sunday in church."

A quick check of Psalm 45 will show there is nothing at all about soap in this passage. How like the son of perdition to use holy scripture in the service of deceit. (And notice the similarity of "Harley Procter" and "Harry Potter"?)

The company later introduced such nefarious products as Crisco and Oxydol soap powder. (Oxydol spelled backward could very well be a supplication to the neopagan god Lody in the Old Slavonic language).

The company's Crest toothpaste was the first to include the controversial gateway drug flouride (later used by the Russians to rob Americans of their ''precious body fluids," as proven in the movie Dr. Strangelove).

Pampers, Tampons and Olestra would soon follow.

The media and the courts have each bought into the conglomerate's shell game act on this, so I suppose it's no use raising a public alarm.

Instead, next week we'll examine another suspicious but overlooked partnership from the 19th century--the cough drop magnates The Smith Brothers-- and how their remedy for "humors and eruptions" loosened the nation's moral vigilance and introduced the French-sounding word "lozanges" into American life.

(The lozange shape is found in prehistoric caves and megaliths representing the pubic area of the Mother Goddess).


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Christian humor, satire, humor