Beastie: We vote for Cain's spawn

This Weekly Beastie salutes Sen. John McCain.

We appreciate his service to his country, sure. But as I pointed out in a previous Beastie posting, the name "John McCain" has embedded within it the cursed appellation of history's first recorded murderer: Cain, the elder son of Adam and Eve.

As if no one would notice.

If reason had anything to do with it, McCain should be disqualified from the field of 2008 candidates. But, noooo. Because our Constitution forbids any biblical or religious "test" for public office, he can't be prevented from running. He'll probably continue his campaign even after this blogpost is published. The arrogance of these would-be puppets of the Prince of the Power of the Air (remember, McCain was a pilot).

A brief look at his career shows that trouble follows him at every turn. He crashed several planes, spent years as a prisoner of war and (note this carefully) became an Anheuser-Busch beer distributor. He made a cameo appearance in the 2005 summer movie Wedding Crashers to try to establish his claim to be a hip, "regular guy." Clever.


But did you know that if McCain won the 2008 election, he'd be the oldest person in history to assume the presidency? What better cover than old age for bringing in a New Age Messiah? (You may scoff, but note that Hugh Delehanty, editor in chief of AARP publications, is a practicing Buddhist! More on "Why you should be suspicious of old people" in future posts.)

During his 2000 presidential bid, McCain called televangelist Jerry Falwell an "agent of intolerance," seemingly dismissing any support from the Religious Right. Yet in May 2006, McCain gave the commencement address at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University. Many political observers sensed a deal with the Prince of Darkness behind their new friendship.

Entering the words "John McCain" into our Weekly Beastie calculator gave a gematria result of 365 (too small, but corresponding to the days of the year. Hmm.) Other attempts were no better. Sen. John McCain=715 (too much); President McCain=953 (way too much). Adding his middle name didn't help--John Sidney McCain=739.

But strenuous calculations cut through all McCain's fiendish camouflage.

I entered the words "John S. McCain" into our stepped-drum calculator mechanism (not unlike the Burkhardt Arithmometor, for you tech-minded history buffs), and the pins, levers and gears began to shake and struggle, deep in a mystical, computational agon. Eventually the numerals rolled right into the slots, like greased demons into a herd of pigs. The total: 665.

Well, OK, that's a little off, but with the period counting as a "one," the numbers are a slam dunk at 666.

Mission accomplished.


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